Stand and be responsible

If two is company…what’s five?

The other day I saw the news about a young lady who was sentenced to 20 years in prison for firing a warning shot into the air to halt her alleged abusive husband from attacking and hurting her. Her punishment surprised me and several other sympathizers, considering that just recently someone else shot and killed a young man and was acquitted of his crime. Is it a case of different strokes for different folks? Troubling times you say!? It was some kind of relief to hear that her conviction was eventually overturned; but I am still startled that the so called husband had five baby mamas. F.I.V.E (5) different women had children for this man and…what!? How does a man do that? How can a young man make babies with five different women? What makes him jump from one to the other until the fifth? If he treated them well would he need five of them to make all those babies? And how does a woman get entangled with such complex and tricky situation? What blinded her eyes and mind to think that if he didn’t treat other women nicely, he would be different with her? Is it wisdom, desperation or foolishness that makes a lady go into such? If two is company and three is a crowd, then what would five and six be?

Over the years, as I relate with and counsel people, I have come across several relationship-related situations that some would consider simple “open and close” case; but that it keeps happening again and again means it requires attention and someone needs to address them properly. I have heard and read a couple of people’s opinion about matters of irresponsibility, child care and support, but many approach it differently. So I chose to proffer my opinion here.

There are 3 groups of people I want to address:

1)     Those who have the guts to have sex but do not have the means to take responsibility

2)     Those who keep taking and never give back.

3)     Those whose kids are well supported but yet the women still act irresponsible.

Warning: If you are one of those people who do not like the truth and shy away from reality, please do not continue reading. The following will be an honest evaluation of things happening around. If you are a sincere person and find yourself erring, you should find some tips to help you do better.

Go further

I am a strong believer in people taking responsibility for their actions. For instance, I think it is irresponsible to blame your parents (or anyone for that matter) for your present predicament. It is juvenile to blame your husband, wife, lover, or an ex for your inability to take care of your children. It is also irresponsible for a man to ignore and not provide for his child/children for whatever reason. If you considered yourself old, bold and strong enough to have sex and produce children, is it not commonsensical to also take responsibility for the fruit of your sexual act? If you do not have the means to provide for your children, should you make babies? Why should you think of making babies when you know you cannot afford to provide for them? Why would someone say he has no job, or that he is so broke that he cannot take care of his child? It beats me! I do not understand how a man that is not crippled could say such a thing. If there is no job to do, what about doing a few businesses here and there? How about some services you can provide to friends and family that can earn you income? I think several men look for good excuses not to take responsibility. Don’t cover up your laziness and stupidity with excuses. Oh man, you are inexcusable.

Some men, however, do make attempt to support their children and I doff my cap for such men. Everyday as I drive through the streets, I see several young men working hard to market some products. DVDs, clothes, perfumes, wrist watches, books, and many other items; they do what they can to make money. While some people say they do not trust such boys, I do. I trust them. I believe in them. And yes, I do patronize them even though sometimes I do not really need the things I buy from them. Would you rather they go about armed with weapons, attacking and stealing from people? Probably not! I like the fact that they make goods and services readily available. First I thought all of them use the money they get for illicit drugs and etc, but I found out that many of them are out there hustling to take care of their families. Some people sit in their posh cars, with their aristocratic mind-set and judge them, but the boys are only taking steps to provide for those who look up to them.

I also see some others who wear designer shoes, fancy shirts and cool face caps; they love to drive fancy cars, play video games, eat 5 times a day and like cute girls with cash. When I ask them what they do for a living, they answer “I got no job; the government ain’t helping the people”. In many cases, some of these boys have children and many of them do not support their children. So I wonder: “how can you find the money for expensive things and not afford to support your children?” You eat daily, you change your cloths from time to time, you can afford a smart phone, you even have some money to buy cards and gifts for your girlfriend, or friends on their birthdays, but you do not have anything to support your children. Does that sound normal? Is that fair on your children? Did those children ask to be born? If you have a problem with their mother, does it mean you should punish the children?

C’mon guys, lets be real. We should not, for what ever reason, ignore our responsibilities. If you do not have all that is required to take care of your children, you should at least have something to support. Some women are nice enough to pay all the bills for the children; we should be appreciative and supportive by making regular contributions to help such women. If you are privileged to have a wife or baby mama who makes any kind of contribution towards the upkeep of your children, be appreciative by augmenting what she does. There are few men on earth who have such women who would work or do business to fund their children’s bills, don’t take such women for granted. Please support them. You have taken the first step to make babies; nobody forced you into making them. Take the next step, go further, show that you are a man and provide for your children.

Give back time

I would also like to address those who keep receiving and never give back. There are several people who have been privileged to receive support from parents, guardians, or even non family members. When you were young, in need and helpless, people invested into you. It is only normal if, when you are grown, you pour back into them. But for many this is not the case. Some grow up and instead of finding ways to support those who helped them, they begin to think of how to enjoy and get all the fun they believe they deserve. If someone stood by you and helped you stand, is it not wise to find a way to support them in return when you settle? If someone puts you through school, what is the first thing you should think of when you graduate? Is it to upgrade your wardrobe? Or is it to find a way to alleviate the burden of your helper(s)?

This generation seems to be more materialistic than ever. People no longer pay attention to what’s important. Always learning, but hardly coming to knowledge. It looks like many young people have not come to understand that life is about give and take. They probably do not understand that if you keep taking from a source and do not give back, it dries up. Few of them see visions of the future, they rather emphasize on immediate gratification and things ephemeral. In our days, when we came out of school, we went all out to make income and support our parents and extended family. These days, many come out of school and ask for more; more money, money shoes, more clothes and more of everything. And when you think they are getting to understand their responsibility, they tell you they are in love and want to start a new family. I have nothing against starting a new family, but I do believe that there is time for everything. Every one who plows does so in hope; why dash their hope by your negligence!

You may have very good excuses for acting irresponsibly; “things are not going too well for me”, but you still survive somehow. “I’m waiting to do something big for my helper”, but you can start small; if you are not faithful in little things, you probably will not be faithful when you have much. “I have other responsibilities too”, everyone has responsibilities yet someone chose to support you”. Act responsibly, reciprocate every kind gesture. Remember, one good turn deserves another.

It takes two…

The other side of this story is that, whereas so many men do a lot to provide for their children, some mothers are actually very irresponsible and ungrateful. It is not enough to confess love for your children, the least a mother can do to show her love is to support in paying their bills. It may sound rather awkward and rare, but there are woman who do not add a cent to pay for mortgage/rent, school fees and other utilities. I know a friend whose wife said her culture forbids a woman from paying bills or even making any contribution to support her family. She earns income but uses it for, well, you know what! Some men are actually over burdened by bills while some women sit back and watch. A man once told his leader “I hear that some women contribute financially to take care of their children, but I have never had a single financial support from my wife” He certainly is not alone as many other men have made such complaints. There are two things I believe are responsible for this:

a)    Laziness  

Let’s be honest, some ladies are actually very lazy. These days we see several ladies getting very involved in every sector of the society, making things happen and some even make more money than men. Still a number of women are too lazy to even get up and take a walk. Last week I was at the mall and walked into an argument. A staff of the mall was struggling to explain to a young lady why she gave the last motorized shopping cart to an elderly handicapped woman. Nothing he said convinced the young woman contrary to her argument. One of the security men stepped in and asked her “ma’am can I ask you, ‘what is your handicap?’” At that point she felt she lost the argument. She couldn’t say what her handicap was because she was too shy to say what it was. The security man said to her “yes you cannot say what it is, you are too ashamed to say that your handicap is fat. You are too fat to walk around and buy food but you stand here to give the impression that you were mistreated”. At this point she bent her head in shame and walked away. I left the scene wondering how many women out there act like they are handicapped when indeed the only malady is that they are too lazy to carry themselves up and around.

There is nothing wrong if you do something to help in footing the bills. It is not enough to love your children, do something to help with paying their bills too. Don’t cover it up, if you are lazy, face it, motivate yourself and get busy. If not for yourself, do it for your children.

b)    Backwards mentality

Some women still live in the archaic mindset that says it is the man’s responsibility to pay all the bills. No darling, it is not so. It takes two to tango. Two of you made the babies and it is both your responsibility to provide for the children. Even if you think the man has enough to pay all the bills, common sense should make you take up one or two of the bills and make it your own. If you cannot take up one of the bills, then at least, make regular contributions to the bills.

It is a shame to think that some mothers have never supported in the payment of bills and when you ask them they tell you “he should be paying me for watching over them”. Or “Is he not happy to see his children taken care of?” Not as if they are ill or that they have no means. Some are probably impious. Woman, it is an act of irresponsibility not to make contributions to your child/children’s bills.

Share the responsibility.

Maybe the best approach is for both parents to bear the burden of taking care of the children. No man should ignore the needs of his children and no woman should leave any man to carry the entire load. Teamwork makes a lot of sense. If you are the one who shoulders the entire bill (mother or father), it would be right if you ask for help from the irresponsible one. And if you are the one who has been unhelpful, find a way to make contributions. If you cannot get a job and you have no business ideas, then sell your shoes, cloths, and whatever else you have to support your family. You cannot have good things but deny your children of support. In my opinion, the same way you get all those good stuff you use is the same way you should provide for your children; but since you do not have a means to take care of them, then sell those things and pay their bills. That’s a good way to prove your good intentions.