How attractive is nagging?

In recent years nagging has become very popular such that, in my opinion, people don’t consider nagging to be nagging. Recently I heard someone say “when I talk about what hurts me people say I am nagging”; well then, we need to look at nagging from another simple perspective. If people say you nag, or fuss about nearly everything and you do not see it that way, then I guess something is wrong.

A few weeks ago a woman said her husband had not been intimate with her and she thinks there is something more than the eyes can see. I asked the man and here is his response:

“Sir, does she expect me to come hug her when she complains about literally everything and she does that every day? Does she think I am not affected by her consistent nagging about how early I wake up, how fast I eat, how slow I drive, how I hold her hands along the streets just once in a week, how my family come to the house too often and bla bla…”

I asked the young man why he doesn’t try to do some of those things his wife was complaining about and he goes:

“…then the complaints will change to exactly the opposite. ‘…why do you eat so slowly? Why do you wake up so late? How come you drive so fast? Is it not too much to hold my hand in the public everyday, don’t you think people will misunderstand us? How come your family members have not been visiting, I feel like you have told them something bad about me isn’t it?” Erm…!?

In as much as I do not think the young man in question is absolutely right in his stand, I think the story proves the key point I want to make about nagging. I think nagging is more of a mental/psychological issue than it is about things not happening right or being mishandled, mistreated or ignored. It seems to me that people who nag do have a psychological problem that makes them unable to see things the way they are. How else can one explain complaints about two opposites? For instance, how can someone complain that his wife’s hair is too short and when she lets it grow he complains that it is too long? How can someone complain that her husband has no time with her and when she does get a moment with him she spends it complaining about the time she does not have? Why will a sane person complain that used baby diapers smell of urine? Well, there has to be only one logical explanation to this; there must be a psychological (if not mental) problem that causes humans to nag. I’m not too sure I’m making sense, but I might just be right. I have thought about things that people thought were not correct, but twenty (20) years later they have become real and true. This too might just be right.

Many of us have read about Abraham Lincoln’s wife who nagged him about nearly everything and created disgraceful scenes in public. We also know that his attitude towards her changed and also some people believe that she nagged him to death. But then again, did we not also hear that her insanity came to public at some point in her life after her husband had died? Is it not possible that all her nagging was as a result of some kind of undiagnosed mental problem rather than real issues? No, tell me, who nags like that if he/she doesn’t have a mental of psychological problem? Who in their right frame of mind complains nearly every day and almost about everything, everybody and everywhere?

Here is my conclusion:

1)      Whoever complains too much and about nearly everything must have issues with their mind. If people think you complain too much, check yourself and don’t blame anyone else.

2)      You cannot eat your cake and have it, if you nag your spouse don’t expect intimacy from them. There are ways to get attention, nagging is not one of them. Rather than get your spouse to get closer, nagging drives them further away from you.

3)      People who nag do not accept that they do so I guess it also proves my point that there has to be an underlying mental cause. Don’t you think that denial of reality itself is a mental problem?

4)      If you do accept that you probably have this problem, then consult a psychologist or probably psychiatrist so they can seek ways to help you.

5)      If you are a victim of nagging, don’t wait till you are nagged to death, seek help too. In many cases a counselor can help you.

More points to note:

1)      Parents need to know the line between training/teaching and nagging, you don’t have to talk about everything your children do, doing that might amount to nagging

2)      Women might be the most popular for nagging, but some men do nag too and it is worse when a man nags

3)      Not all complains are nagging, but constant repetition of a complain amounts to nagging

4)      It is possible that what you are saying is right/good, but to keep talking about it to the point where people around you feel like running away from you, you are nagging.

5)      Nagging does not in any way increase intimacy; in fact, experts say nagging will cause fight or flight. If they won’t fight you, they find things to keep them away from you as much as possible.

How can you tell you’ve become a nag? (According to Weiner-Davis-culled from WebMD)

1)      You're increasingly frustrated because you're not getting through to your partner, despite asking again and again.

2)      Your partner becomes increasingly defensive each time you ask for something.

3)      The things that bother you tend to grow in scope -- you're more bothered by more things, more often.

4)      Your irritation is contagious -- the more irritated you get, the more irritated your partner gets.

5)      The weaknesses in the relationship, such as what your partner isn't doing despite your attempts at effecting change, become the focus, rather than the strengths in your relationship.

6)      The most obvious sign that you tend to nag: You've said the same thing five different ways, five different times, and yet you keep on going

The Bottom line is: Nagging does not help solve the problem rather it makes it worse and makes you loose people who love you. I guess that means it is so unattractive to nag. Again I say; if you nag, don’t expect affection/intimacy, rather expect people to plan their lives as far from you as they can be. Simple isn’t it?

Keep moving-Don't stop

In the last few weeks I have been traveling a lot and the least I can say is that my eyes have seen a lot, my ears have heard a lot, my mind has learnt a lot, my spirit is renewed and I cannot say I am all impressed, but I’m sure not depressed. In the 1st place, I am very convinced that ignorance is not bliss; ignorance is a huge disadvantage and whoever has chosen to remain that way is in the dark; more like living in the dark ages. I pity such people, they are in an unfortunate state. In the 2nd place, I have come to agree with Saint Augustine that “the world is a book and those who do not travel have only read a page” Well, indeed the world is a very informative and educative huge book (a book of several hundreds, if not thousands, of pages) and those who do not travel or move around have not started reading it at all. That’s what I think. The only way to read this book is to start traveling. Start moving. There is no better way to understand life, indeed, the world around us, other than to see it, so move.

I realize that one reason people are not growing or progressing is because they don’t move and lack of movement is what they call stagnation. When you are stagnant you become a problem to yourself, your family, your friends, your leaders, in fact, you become a problem to everyone and everything. A stagnant person wakes up in the morning and is frustrated with him/her self and of course everyone who they meet that day gets a taste of their “bitterness”. Like they say stagnant water smells and that is so true.

So why don’t people like to move? One reason comes to mind, attachments-attachments to people, places, things and etc. There is really nothing wrong with attachments, only that any attachment that does not allow you grow and improve has become an impediment. I know someone who was so attached to a house that he didn’t want to move. Several years later most of his friends had moved out from the area and had achieved a lot and he wouldn’t move because it was his first house. No he didn’t build or buy it, it was a rented house and he still pays the house owner. It took him many years to realize how the attachment to the house kept him stagnant, but at that time, most of his contemporaries had gone far ahead of him. His attachment beclouded his reasoning such that he didn’t know that there was life outside his location.

Some of you are attached to a place-like a country or state. You have come to love that country/state so much that you do not think that there might be possibilities/opportunities elsewhere. Well, maybe you don’t have such problem; but if you live in a place and you neither function to your optimum nor prosper at the speed God wants you to, you do yourself great injustice not to move. You don’t know what you are missing.

To some others your attachment might be to a friend, family, relationship, job, church or something you consider important but not productive. Why will you stick with something that is not productive? Why will you continue to be attached to something that is not profiting you or others? Why will you be attached to something/someone God doesn't want for you? When will you ask yourself if your presence in a place has become a problem to you and others? That’s the problem; many times you are the problem but you do not see it and all you do is blame others for your misfortune. Maybe, it is time to move and get some fresh air, fresh ideas, fresh skills…

If right now you feel like you are stagnant and you have run out of ideas of what to do to make progress, then I suggest that it is time to move. Change your environment. Relocate. Move to another house. Move to another state. Look for another job. Take a holiday and go somewhere other than where you have always been. Sometimes, when you move and return, things get better, but others times, you just don’t need to return, relocation might just be what you need to reach the next dimension.

Am I saying that everyone has to travel before they succeed? No. Not at all! All I am saying is that if you have climaxed at the wrong time, or you have observed that you are not making progress where you are; or maybe you have been having a nudge in your spirit that you have stayed too long in your present position, or you have become a problem to the people and the system you are in, then it is time to move out and move up. That may be a step that will help both you and those around you; your moving might just bring you and others unbelievable healing and growth. It is risky, but I think it is better to take this risk and get a better result than stay stagnant and risk losing the things and people dear to your heart. It’s up to you.