Exposed

Exposed-subtle ways to kill

…not funny

My romance with Twitter does have its good, bad, funny and not so fun side. Recently I followed the hashtag #AfricanParents and like everyone else, I laughed about many of the tweets; but it later dawned on me that some children actually use the forum to make a public show of their parents. While some make general jokes, others go on to give gory and dirty details that should not be out there in the public space. For instance, why will someone tell the world that his mother’s snore can wake up a dead man!? If you want to make a joke, do you have to do that by giving people disgusting details about your private/family life? Every family has them-shortcomings, but it is childish to bring that to the public and the consequences could be dire.  

“He’s only a kid”-Does it hurt less?  

My work with children has made me understand that Kids say stupid things. Even though many times they are innocent, it still doesn’t mean that public exposure of some “indecent” family issues does not do damage. It is not their fault, they are kids and nobody can place adult demands on them (unless you want to mess up their childhood), but nonetheless, a slap on the face hurts no matter who does it. For kids, it is understandable, but why do some grown people say things without first processing them? How can an adult open his/her mouth to expose their leader or parent to public humiliation?  Many people are still childish in their thinking. Many of us have opened our mouths to speak before we think. But that’s not the real problem. The real problem is that rather than apologize, make amends and say you were wrong or that you spoke too soon or that you said what you should never have said, many would back their stupidity with all sorts of absurd excuses. It is childish to talk about sensitive family issues with people, especially when the people listening are “witches” waiting to use such information to defame and mock your family.    

Oh ladies please!

Social media has given everyone a platform to say what they want to say and I have no problem with that. You may say “there he goes again” but honestly, sisters, it is a shame how some of you talk about your relationships and many other sensitive issues in public. First I thought it was just me, but recently, many institutions and companies have started training people on Social Media Ethics and that tells me that many people on social media are absolutely clueless. It is terrible! But again, it goes to show the way some people think and live. Many are quick to wash their dirty underwear in public all in the name of “I’m trying to let it off my chest”. How many people really care that your lover or husband is mean to you? How many of the people you told about his behaviour has offered to help you solve the problem? I understand that some men act foolishly, but how does public posting/exposure of a misunderstanding between two of you solve the problem? It was just a few days ago you posted “…boo and I enjoying life…” “…life is sweet with XYZ”: but now you just tweeted “…why do men act like dogs?” Are these posts really necessary? Is there not a more excellent way?

You cannot throw your man under the bus just like that (especially if it is a minor issue). It is unethical and unacceptable to put your private life up for debate. Everyone does have their shortcoming, even you; telling the world about your family’s shortcoming is a breach of trust. No, your friends should not know your family’s shortcomings. Maybe you think people really care about your private life; but in reality, they go back to laugh, mock at you and tell other people how foolish you are.

MENtally unstable

And guys, some of us are really acting shamelessly these days. It is a shame to see men gossip, stay home all day looking for who is free to “gist”, watch soap operas and worst of all, take selfies with. At first when I read that some men take selfies, I didn’t believe it until I checked it out myself. I have heard about idle boys who take selfies, but it is kind of awkward for a full grown man to take selfies and post on social media. Who are you trying to impress? What are you trying to achieve? Are you that idle and have nothing else to do but take selfies? While other men are busy hustling, making money and solving problems you are busy doing what? Oh no! Something is not right. It is an error!!! Now I see why some men have lost respect. Why will a woman respect you when she goes out all day working her butt off to make ends meet and you hang around the “hood” gossiping, sagging your pants and taking selfies?

I shouldn’t be saying this, but a man should never be caught in the web of idleness; that is what leads to all sorts of crazy things. Every man should wake up in the morning and get busy with something productive.  If you don’t have a regular job, then find something to work on. Write/compose a song/rap, poem, book or story. Go volunteer somewhere. Seek for ways to improve your community. You should not be found among talebearers. No! Do not allow anyone turn you into a “houseboy” and tell you to stay home, change diapers, clean, and do things that are not your role. I’m not saying you should not help, but if anyone ever tells you “you are the best cook ever, stay home and cook for me” no bruh! No! You can help when you have time, but it is not your obligation.  That’s so out of order. Tell them I said so. Your responsibility is to be THE breadwinner. Yes, you are the leader and provider of the house. Not the story teller, gossip coordinator, house chef and selfie chief.  Anything other than what you ought to be, affects your mind, body and spirit; indeed it affects you, your family and the society.

Innocent conversation, great damage

In my journal, I wrote about an experience that made me feel exposed. I am sharing this because sometimes, people do not know the adverse effect of their careless talk.  

For years I built relationships with various groups of people. I do not give everyone and all the groups the same level of closeness. Some I relate with from afar while others I bring home and allow them connect with me beyond the “veil”. The ones who get very close get to know a little more about me than everyone else. They get to know, not just my strengths but also my weaknesses. Yes, my weaknesses.  They know when my smile is real and when it is just a façade, they know my signals and signs and they know my facial expressions and understand what to do when I am silent. For some reason, I tend to give everyone the opportunity to prove that they are worthy to be in my inner circle and when they do, I allow them more access to me. Sometimes, due to lack of personnel, I skip some levels of training and ‘mature’ people too early (a step which I have come to regret). But not everyone makes it close enough to know me. Some remain in the outer circle for as long as it takes them to either grow up and step up or remain stagnant and eventually fade away.

So, just like most leaders, I have people in my inner circle and plenty others hanging around me who do not really know much about me. Not because I do not want them to know me, but maybe because they are not ready to grow.

As I travel around the world, it has become difficult to raise new sets of people and bring them into my inner circle so I thought “I know a couple of people who have been close enough to know me and they probably have caught some ‘fire’; maybe if I use them to influence others, we can multiply and achieve more”.  And that’s exactly what I did. I used people from my early years of leadership to help with the work in new territories. That turned out to teach me one of the greatest lessons of my life: “never assume that everyone who comes very close to you has the same passion and the right motive”.  

I have sent people to represent me in a place where I’ve developed strong and healthy ministry relationships and after a few months I returned and what did I meet? Rather than focus and do the work, they spent time talking about things they should never talk about. They let their mouths loose and made my personal life a subject of discussion/laughter. As a young leader, I made many mistakes, but I was very sincere and never thought that some people were gathering information to use against me. I never knew that a time would come when people I consider “friends” would ever open their mouths to talk about me in ways that will bring me and the name of the Lord I had professed to disrepute. Even though many of the things said were either lies or their personal interpretation of my word or actions, their hearers believed the lies because it was told by my trusted allies.  The result: a decade old reputation was brought down by a so-called “innocent conversation”.

Let us assume that your leader or parents hurt you consciously or unconsciously (past or present), should your response be to expose them to wolves?  Maybe it was a joke, but should you play with things that leave permanent bruises?

But the Bible says...

Before some of you put on your religious hat and start quoting scriptures in an attempt to prove yourself right, let me quickly tell you another story:

Then Noah began farming and planted a vineyard. He drank of the wine and became drunk, and uncovered himself inside his tent.Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside. But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it upon both their shoulders and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were turned away, so that they did not see their father’s nakedness. When Noah awoke from his wine, he knew what his youngest son had done to him. So he said, “Cursed be Canaan; A servant of servants he shall be to his brothers”. He also said, “Blessed be the Lord, The God of Shem; And let Canaan be his servant.  “May God enlarge Japheth, And let him dwell in the tents of Shem; And let Canaan be his servant.” Genesis 9:20-27

Many people in this generation are like the young man, Ham. They think everything they see or hear should be talked and laughed about. But no, when you expose your father, what you get is a curse-bound to servitude .Your father/leader/mentor may not read your post, or hear the gossip or rumour, but nature conspires to curse anyone who exposes his/her father’s nakedness.

Some of you have been labouring all your life and yet you cannot say you have made progress. Stop and think, ask yourself “have I gone the way of Ham?

Selah!