What’s love got to do with it?

The saying “it is better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage” has become very popular among many folks who quote it to encourage themselves after a broken relationship. But is it a wise saying? Does everyone have to go through a broken engagement before they find the right person? Should negotiations about the relationship/marriage start before or when the parties have agreed to marry? Should anything be strong enough to be a deal breaker when there is love? Should anyone be negotiating from a disadvantaged position? Is anyone really disadvantaged? These questions point to the topic we intend to discuss this week.

In my opinion, the right time to negotiate and talk about what you can and cannot accept in a relationship is before the two parties agree to marry. The first time you feel you like her/him, is the best time to start asking questions about their likes/dislikes, dreams/visions/, faith/belief, attraction and other basic issues. When you get closer and believe that two of you have even the slimmest chance of getting married, you may want to go deeper and talk about more serious topics like finances, sex, family and future expectations. Not talking about these issues early can be dangerous because when you get very close and your hearts have begun to get fond of each other, it may be difficult to break off. Trying to detach from a relationship after you have become emotionally involved with someone can be very painful. Some may want to say it is better to break a relationship when you realize that you two have more disagreements than agreements, more misunderstanding than understanding, but maybe it is much better to not even agree to marry, than to start and then break it halfway thereby hurting yourselves. Before the two of you bond, before you become very attached, before you get to the point where you spend close to half or most of your time thinking about and missing him/her, make sure you know the basic things about them to determine if he/she meets your expectation of a spouse.

Overrated self

Sometimes when I listen to some single people say the things they expect from their prospective spouse, I smile and wonder why some people have bogus expectations.

·        A lady is five (5) feet tall, wears a size sixteen (16), can barely lift herself off the bed to workout and has a “vision” that she will marry a six feet tall well built handsome man who works out daily. Are you being fair on the man?

·         A man has a three (3) feet long pot belly, can barely express himself in his lingua franca, couldn’t finish high school and is still struggling to make ends meet, yet he insists that he must marry a slim (size 6) Master degree holder who works with a transcontinental company and owns a thriving business. If the table was turned and you were the better person, would you think it is a fair deal if you got one like that?

Even the holy book says no one should see himself more highly than he/she is. It is not only spurious to have such imbalanced expectations; I think it is also stupid. It is not feasible to expect someone to give you what you cannot give. Before you set a standard, it is wise to look at yourself, consider your peculiar condition and then determine what is good for you. Evaluate yourself honestly and demand for what you deserve. This does not mean you should not have a big vision. It only means your vision should not be something that will take divine intervention to achieve. You should also be what you expect from the other party, after all the vision is yours why not be “it” too.

When love is not enough

I have always believed that when there is love, marital happiness is guaranteed. I didn’t think there was anything love could not handle. Maybe, it not wrong, but I think it should be rephrased to “all things being equal, when there is love, happiness is guaranteed”. This is so because I realized that you can love someone but for certain reasons you may not be able to have marital bliss with them. Take for instance, two young fellows were in love with each other, but they later realized that they are cousins and could not marry. What do they do? Or, like someone asked on this blog, how can a man have marital bliss with a woman who says she does not enjoy what is given to couples for pleasure? If she does not find pleasure in sex, should she probably marry the other man who is desperate to marry but is impotent? If love is all that matters, should a sexually active lady stay with a lover who is impotent?

How about some people who are in love but found out that they cannot have children as a couple due to certain conditions like Rhesus factor? This does not mean that the man or woman is infertile, but that the woman’s womb cannot carry the pregnancy of certain men and this man happens to be one of such. Yes they are probably incompatible for marriage, but there are many people in such condition who are truly in love; what should they do? Is love enough to hold them together even though they may never have children together? Should they break-up and look for someone more compatible? Is there a time when love is not good enough?

Deal or no deal?

I asked fifty (50) men and fifty (50) women between ages 25-50 to name one major thing they consider a deal breaker. I wanted to know that one thing they cannot take and that will end their relationship. Thirty two (32) women and nineteen (19) men responded. Reading through their responses, I thought that some of them, like not liking to kiss, sports club they support and fashion sense, are a bit too trivial to break a relationship. Race, tribe, social status, denomination, and a couple others I consider not that critical an issue to break a relationship. Interestingly, seven (7) out of the fifty-one (51) responses I received said nothing was strong/bad enough to make them break a relationship with someone they love. Many men and women mentioned the same things and I have categorized them into the following:

1)     Incompatibility in major areas

2)     Unfaithfulness

3)     Fat and out of shape

4)     Habitual liar

5)     Physical and verbal abuse

6)     Too skinny

7)     Trust issues

8)     Unwillingness to improve

9)     Illiteracy

10)  Drug use/Smoking

11)  Insecurity

12)  Dishonesty

13)  Indiscipline

14)  Over 10 inches shorter or taller

15)  Not of the same faith

16)  Cheating with same sex

17)  Dirtiness

18)  Much older or much younger

19)  Impotence/frigidity

20)  Violence

21)  Lack of self control

22)  Bestiality

23) Laziness

Is there something you think should be on this list? Is there any of the above you think should not be there?

One person’s deal breaker may not be the other person’s deal breaker. For instance, I use to think that unfaithfulness was a no, no for most people until a young lady said she had gone back to the man who cheated on her with her close friend while they were still courting. I thought that no one should stay in an abusive relationship, until a young lady sent me a message that she had married the man who beat her several times. I never thought any one could marry someone who cheated on them with an animal until someone said “love is stronger than death, maybe there is a reason why they did it”. It is a matter of belief and perspective. Maybe, love is all that matters, or is it? What do you think? Let me know your thoughts.