Don’t marry this woman!

A couple of men sent me messages asking for tips on how to choose the right woman, especially after the article “would you play Russian roulette with your heart?” So, here we go!

Before you say “I do”

Before we start, let us first understand the purpose of marriage. I know we live in a twisted world where things are all muddled up, but everything has a purpose and its right timing. Marriage is a good thing and whoever finds a wife, happy is he. Every woman may have potential to be a good wife but only one woman is built with all you need to be happy. Therefore every man has to take time to understand the purpose of marriage, the right time for marriage and the right person to marry. You may be a joyful, young and flourishing man right now, if you marry the wrong woman, your sorrows just began. Let us ask a few questions and seek for answers:

Q: Why does a man need a wife?

A: For:

1) Companionship- At some point in life a man would need to have a companion with whom he can share his joys, pains and challenges. When he feels a void inside and when “hanging with the boys” no longer gives him the satisfaction and happiness he needs, that is when a man needs a wife.

2) Help/support- As a boy, he probably was busy doing what boys do-play around, show-off to girls, go back home to mama, eat and sleep. But when he becomes a man, his brain swings into action, thinking of how to make an income. Some men go for further training, others look for a job and yet others start a business. Many get so busy working to meet up and take care of their responsibility that they get overworked (emotionally, physically and psychologically); that’s why they need a wife to support them in every area. Note: If you are still a boy who is not working to take care of business, then you don’t need any help.

3) Procreation- One of the reasons for marriage is to raise children. Although nowadays, many people choose to have children before marriage, in the beginning it was not so. No man should think of making babies until he is ready to shoulder the responsibility of feeding, clothing and training them. In those days, part of parental responsibility was saving up money to give children the best education, these days people make babies without adequate preparation. Having children is a good thing, but no man should make babies when he is not ready to provide for them. If you can’t foot the bill, zip-up until you are ready. Read more here: http://coach-jasper.blogspot.com/2013/10/stand-and-be-responsible.html

4) Balance- I wonder what it would look like if the world was full of men only. Unimaginable! If the world was full of only women, erm…maybe we would have lots of sweet smelling flowers everywhere, cute bow shaped ribbons all over the streets, huge mirrors on phones, cars, trains, aircrafts, and in most public places so ladies can adjust themselves very often. The whole world would probably be decorated with so many pretty things; but it would be beauty and sweetness of a boring proportion. Men are the opposite of women so we probably expect the exact opposite if the world was all men. What men are not is what women are. For example, a man’s body is strong and muscular but a woman is built soft and tender. This is not bad but all good. It is the reason why men need women and women need men- for balance. A man’s mindset/lifestyle may be one-sided but when he marries, she is expected to help him find a balance.

Q: When is a man ready for marriage?

A:

•             When he knows his purpose. If he does not know why he is here, he definitely is not ready to marry. The first challenge before every man (indeed everyone), is to know why you are here. Many young men are still struggling to figure out what they are here for. It is not wise to start a relationship while you are yet to understand what it is you are here to do. When you understand why you are here, then we can say you are half ready for life.

•             When he is matured. Marriage is not for boys but for men. It is for those who are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. And please do not ask me what age is the right age. It is not about the number; when you meet a matured man, you don’t need anyone to tell you how matured he is. A matured man is emotionally stable, mentally strong, has a clear vision of where he is heading, and of course, physically developed.

•             When he has work. Marriage is for men who are busy with work and need help to do what they do. It is unfortunate that these days many boys go into marriage because they think they have to, even when they are not ready. An idle man needs work and not a wife. A working man needs a wife. “Work” does not necessarily mean a regular office job. It could be a project you are working on. Art, design, farming, fishing, photography, writing, mission, computer, fashion, ministry, weaving, import/export, real-estate, acting, carpentry, music, research…it could be a small venture you are working on, you just got to have work. When your work grows beyond what you alone can handle, you probably need a wife to come in and help you; not only to help you work better, but to help you in every area. Women are built to help and support, and where you don’t have anything that needs support, you don’t need her.

•             When he is ready to lead his family. No man should think of marriage if he is not ready to be a leader. In marriage, a man exercises his leadership prowess which he has developed over time. This is not to say he has to know everything about leadership or be a very strong leader, but he has to know the basic principles and methods of leadership. I believe that as part of preparation for marriage, every man should be taught leadership. God has put the responsibility of leading the family on the man. Before marriage comes preparation and part of the preparation is developing leadership skills.

•             When he is strong enough. Marriage is not for the weak. It is for the strong. Just like in other aspects of life, a married man will face lots of challenges from work, family and friends. If you are not strong enough, you would probably crumble under the pressure and hurt the people who care about you. Many men have destroyed their marriages because they do not have enough strength to handle life. Others have abandoned their responsibility and ran away because their strength failed them. It takes courage to be a husband, until you have such courage; you are not ready for marriage.

Don’t try bending a dry wood

While some things can easily bend, others are tough to bend and many others would never bend. For instance, there is a limit to which you can bend a dry wood. Some would break as you try to bend them and others would bend a little bit before breaking. Same goes to women. There is a woman who will easily and willingly bend for you. When it comes to choosing a life partner, a man should not be thinking of a woman he can bend but one who bends to him  on her own accord.

Any woman who is not ready to bend and submit to you cannot be your wife. Contrary to popular belief, submission is not a difficult task for women. Every woman has somebody they naturally will submit to, if you are not that man, then she is not your woman. It is nothing to fight or fuss over. If you realize that she is not submissive to you, it is better to look for another rather than to go into marriage and realize that you are walking alone. If you do not find her submissive, then don’t expect her to develop it after you marry her. The morning tells the day. If she is not submissive to you, she may never be. It is frustrating to have a wife who does not submit to your leadership, so I advice you to make sure you find one who respects you enough to submit to you.

Believers or deceivers?

Never marry a woman who does not believe in you and your vision. Never! Understand that when a woman does not believe in you, she is against you and when the one who you love and trust is against you, you are treading on treacherous ground. The pain and frustration is inexplicable. When you start dating, one key thing you must do is to identify if your vision excites her. If it does not, please my friend, she is not the one. Do not forget that your wife is someone who complements you, if she does not believe in whom you are and what you do then how can she complement you? How can she help you? Someone may be wondering “can a woman be in love with a man and not believe in his vision?” Oh yes! Things happen these days. For some reason, some women do not see the importance of accepting some men’s vision. Some believe that they can love but not be committed to their husband’s vision. As a matter of fact, some women would marry one man but give their support to another man’s vision. I’m not sure what leads to this. I don’t really understand how, one can be in love with a man but not believe in his vision. Or maybe she believed in him and his vision but something changed after they got married.  Honestly, whatever it is, do not wait to become a victim of this to understand how and why it happens. Don’t be deceived, if she does not believe in your vision, she is not the one.

Partnership that works

I have always told men to choose a wife whose purpose is complementary to theirs. If, for instance, your purpose is to be “bread”, you would need to marry someone whose purpose complements yours. Maybe you should marry “butter”, or “milk” or probably “cheese”. Why would you want to marry “sand” or “stick” or “cotton wool”, when you are “bread”? How does that complement or enhance your purpose? Your wife should be someone who complements you. She should help you become a more useful “you” while you help her become more relevant. Your wife should be the woman who brings out the best in you.

To complement is not the same as to compete. Couples should never be in competition to outshine each other, rather, each should find ways to promote and push the other to the top and in doing so, both parties rise to greatness. But where they are rivals, none of them progresses because when one comes up with a creative idea to bring about growth, the other castigates and puts it down. So guys, in choosing the right woman for marriage, make sure she is one who balances and enhances what you are.

#Quotes: By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher-Socrates