What is happening to you?

Just a while ago you had a very terrible experience and you said “never again”, but here you are, back to the same place where you used to be. Here you are, in the same situation you were in the last time. You had sworn that you will never be that stupid again, but here you are, you have played the fool again.

What is wrong with you? You keep making the same mistake again and again and you think nothing is wrong with you? How long does it take for you to realize that you are heading to “sudden death”? How long will it take you to realize that you are on your way to total destruction? Have you not seen that the path you have chosen is the conduit to eternal damnation? Can’t you see this is the highway to permanent failure?

A while ago you started a project and somehow you did not finish; you felt like a failure and you asked for another chance. You promised yourself and the world that if you ever get another chance, you would go all the way and finish. But here you are, you have given up again, you are about to drop out once again. Here you are, at the same cross road where you failed in the past. Looking back to your past, you see all the abandoned projects; while failures of the past challenges and spur others to press on and reach the top, to you it is a sign that you cannot make it. What is wrong with your mind? Is there a reason why you cannot think straight? You started school but did not finish, you started a relationship but did not finish, you started a project but did not finish; you started the weight loss program but did not finish and now you have started yet another and already your heart is faint. What is wrong with you?

What do you see?

Look yourself in the mirror, what do you see? Are you getting closer to the man/woman you dream to be? Are you heading towards your vision/dream? Are you stagnant and have become a pain to those who know you? Do people look at you and pity the woman who begat you? Are you bringing shame to the family whose name you bear? Are you bringing disgrace to the name of the Lord whom you profess to love and serve?

Last year you made a resolution and you said it so seriously that everyone took you serious. That was the same thing you did the year before and the year before that. Yet, after many years, you still have not improved. You still have not lost weight, you still have not gone back to school and you still have not written that book; you still have not made that investment, you have not put yourself together and you are still telling stories about what you wish to do. When people ask you why you are the way you are, somehow you always have the right answer. You play the blame game. “It is my parents’ fault; they didn’t leave any inheritance for me”. “It is the government; they do not have plans for the citizens. “ It is my pastor’s fault, he/she is not anointed and it is affecting me”. “It is because I was raped as a kid, I still cannot get my mind to get over it”. “It is the environment I live in; we are a product of our environment”.

What is wrong with you that you keep going back to your “vomit”? Just the other day you cried and “threw up” all the things you felt were killing you, but now, again, you have gone back to lick that which you threw up.  Isn’t it insanity of some sort, when someone continues to do a thing that’s killing them!? If it is not insanity, do you think someone cast a spell on you? Maybe it is not insanity, maybe it is not a spell. Maybe you have chosen the path of destruction. Maybe it is your choice.

Your choice, your life

Some days ago, I saw a commercial in a public place and each time I see it, I shudder for fear. The commercial shows a pretty young girl who in her teenage years chose to smoke. It showed different stages of her exciting and beautiful life and culminated in her last days before her death. The last days of her life was miserable, her state was deplorable, for want of a better word.   The conclusion was that smoking destroys people and those who engage in it are encouraged to quit. Each time that commercial comes on, it shakes me to my bones and I feel very sad. On this day, as it came on, I watched it with a young girl and when it finished I looked at her and said “sad right?” She said to me “it is just a commercial”. My response was one word “seriously?”  A few minutes later, as I walked out of the building, I saw her smoking and she looked at me and smiled.  I was amazed. But something occurred to me; it is her life and her choice, she can choose to do with it what she wishes and I hope in a few years from now she will proudly sit back and “enjoy” the consequences of the choices she made.

I do not believe you are a failure because of what others did or did not do. It is your choice. I do not believe that it is the spell cast on you that makes you keep going back to your “vomit”; I believe it is your choice. You have chosen not to grow beyond your past and you go back to it because you like the rut. Don’t tell me that the reason you are a failure is because of what your parents did or did not do, accept that you are a product of your choices.  There is a way that seems right to you, but the end of it is destruction, writes the wise man.  

Which one are you?

Is this the first time I am writing along this line? No! Will everybody who reads this choose to do right and do better? No! It may not be the first or the last time anyone will read these lines, but some will choose to make the best out of this and make a decision to be useful and productive and end up enjoying the fruits of the seeds they sow today.  Some will act emotionally and pretend to be touched and in not too long a time, go back to those things that lead to abyss. Some others will look at it and say "it’s just an article” and ignore the message to their own peril.  Which one are you?

Choose today who you will serve, if God, then serve God. Choose today what you must do, if to move beyond your past and rise to the top, why not!? Choose this day to finish that project; the glory is not in beginning but in finishing. Choose today never to go back to your vomit; you may not recover from the next “lick” from your past life. 

Less talk, more action

I spoke to a lady recently who told me how much she loves the Lord. When I met her the first time, I didn’t doubt that she loved the Lord, or so it seemed.  “Thank you Lord!” occurs frequently during every conversation. It doesn’t matter if the discussion was God/church related or not, she would often go “…oh thank you Lord”.  Her love for the Lord seemed very obvious until I quizzed her further on “the things of the Lord” and boy, was I shocked! Indeed, she was a clear example of people “…having a form of godliness but denying the power…”  How do you say the “Spirit” told you who I am, but when I ask how you can support what I do you reply “…I might have to pray for the Lord to tell me if I should support your project”? If by divine revelation, you know I am a missionary, what else do you need to know?

Why will people act very sanctimonious but have no clue of what righteousness and godliness is!? I wonder why people go to church, act very spiritual on Sundays and in church, yet do not live by the instructions in the Holy Book. Why would you call yourself a believer in Christ but do not act like Christ? If Christianity is all about Christ-likeness, then are we not required to live and love like Christ? Do you not know that it is a sign of the end time to love yourself more than you love the Lord? And do you not know that you cannot say you love the Lord when all your concern is about yourself and your “want”?

Driven by greed

The church, as we have it today, has been overthrown by greed, I’m sorry to say. From the pulpit, to the pew, the clergy and laity, the church stinks of selfishness.  Preachers tell the people to come to church so they can be blessed; people go to church looking for what the Lord would do for them.  It seems that the church has lost understanding of the purpose of her existence.  Did God call us out to come ask for more blessings or are we called out to worship and be a blessing to our world?  Is it all about what we get or what we give?

God promised to supply our need, but these days we have allowed our greed to prevent us from being the light of the world. Many of us are even bold enough to display our voracity by showing off our several shoes, clothing, jewelries, and cars and don’t feel any form of shame or guilt. We have become worldlier than the heathen and we portray more of our flesh and less of God. Is godliness about feeding yourself fat when a brother is starving to death? Or have we forgotten that to love God is to “…share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter”?

Why are we here?

If you ask me why the church is still here, I will tell you it is not so we can build more churches. We are not here to acquire wealth and become more famous. The church is not here to prove that we can survive. We are not here to be local noise makers; we are here to reach out and bring healing to a sick world. The church is called to be dynamic and missionary. That’s not to say that everyone in the church should leave their local church and move to the mission field, no! What it simply means is that we are to have a missionary mentality. We are to have a global mindset.  Every one of us must be concerned about the state of other believers around the world. If one is hungry, it should be our concern. If one is sick, it should be our problem.  We cannot afford to isolate ourselves from the need of other members of the fold who are not near us. 

Yes we can!

I suspect that most of you reading this article have your homes full. When I say full, I mean full. Many sisters have the challenge of what to wear every day; your wardrobe/closet is full and over flowing, yet you struggle to find something to wear.  Your refrigerator is full of food and yet you still go grocery shopping that you almost have nowhere to store them.  Some of you are full of food that you are almost about to, erm…do I say explode?! Do you have plenty to eat such that you are sick from eating? Doesn’t that tell you something?  Don’t you think it is time to buy and eat what you need and send the rest to those in need? Don’t you think that your over indulgence has become an obstacle to your life?  Do you know that the price of your new jewelry might just save a dying child or even a family, or maybe, a generation? Instead of another suit, why don’t you send money to support a starving family!? Yes you can be a solution giver, just cut down on your excess purchases and send the extra to the needy.

Not all of us can go to the mission field, but all of us can send what we have been blessed with to support mission.  Every one of us can send support to those in need and that makes us all missionaries. I pray that the good Lord will open your eyes to see the millions of brethren who cry to heaven daily, hoping that your hearts will be touched. I pray that the Lord, whom you love, will stimulate your heart and make you remember those who are dying of hunger. I pray that as you read this, you will be motivated to take action.

As you reach out to support missions, may you find peace that passes all understanding (and misunderstanding); may your children never lack. May the Lord hear you even before you cry; may He keep you in sound health and where you are sick and in need of healing, may the Lord heal and make you whole. Amen!

JC dimension: Why don’t you have a man!?

JC dimension: Why don’t you have a man!?

Why don’t you have a man!?

The other day I saw a rather funny story of Jesus Christ and some of his followers. One of his female followers said to him “Jesus, I need a man”. And Jesus answered her “I sent you one, but you keep telling him he’s just a friend”.  I’m not too sure of the origin of that  joke or if it has  theological roots, but it sure did two things to me:  1) I laughed so hard and loud for almost three  minutes and 2) It got me thinking about why many people do not have the needed help or love that they need or deserve. I laughed because I have heard several ladies say things similar to that; some people have the impression that the closer it is, the more unlikely it is to be real. I was wondering “is it possible that what you are looking for “out there” is right “in here”?

I was privileged to visit a village in Democratic Republic of Congo called Mbujimayi and during my stay, I was invited to bless a piece of land where a local business man and his boys were about to dig for diamonds. Yes, diamonds! I blessed the land and left for our own mission-evangelism.  We worked all day in the neighboring village, preaching and praying for people and got back late at night. I didn’t have time to ask if the “diamond diggers” were successful or not. The next morning, as I did my prayer walk, I walked pass the site and to my surprise they were still digging. I didn’t want to stop by again since my translator was not with me. But on a second thought, I decided to go nearer and take a look. When I got there, one of the workers thought to explain to me what was going on.  He probably thought that with my academic credentials, I was also verse in his local dialect. Well, even though I didn’t understand the dialect, I understood his gesticulations and explanations.

He explained to me that they may dig for a couple of hours or even days and not get a single diamond. It is a very hard and tedious task which may or may not yield dividends. I was amazed that with all the risk and hard work put into the project, there is a huge possibility of it being futile; but the interesting part, I found out, is that after all that process, they only need to find a certain kind/quality/specie/type of soil that tells them they might have reached a diamond “zone”.  Soil? Yes, Soil. And when they find that soil, the fellow in the hole scoops them and sends them up. When they get all the “special” soil, they go to the nearby stream to wash/sift it and hope they find even one piece of diamond.  Sometimes they do find and they celebrate it. Other times they don’t find anything; they wash up, go home and try another location, another day.  But another very interesting part of their search for diamond is that when they do find diamonds among the soil, it does not in any way look as attractive or beautiful as we all know diamonds to be. Diamond in its unprocessed state is pretty ordinary and unless you know how to identify it, you may mistake it for a piece of worthless article.

They come disguised

Have you ever heard the metaphor “Diamond in the rough”?  Yes you probably have. But have you considered the reality of it? Has it occurred to you that many people you meet as you go through life are going through a process?  Life is not a bed of roses and nothing comes easy. God did not promise any of us a smooth sail through life, so maybe it is normal to go through hell and high waters in the process of attaining greatness. Every one of us goes through tough times and we are at various stages. While some are still battling with mud and miry clay, others have swum through the river and are looking a bit more polished and clean.  But the sad thing is that many are quick to forget that they once were stuck in the mud and needed some help or attention. Why are we quick to condemn people just because we do not consider them good enough!?  A lot of us are too busy to take a closer look to find the solution, help or even beauty in “simple” places/people.  Has it occurred to you that the young man, whom you consider worthless or inconsequential, may just be the “diamond” you are searching for? There are many who moan and complain of lack of love or help, not knowing that what they need is right around the corner. Many have failed to see that sometimes, things of great quality are wrapped in ordinary and unattractive packages. Yes, there are treasures in vessels of clay.

Foolish girls want “finished” men

To those of you who are still waiting for “Mr Right”, I have a word for you. First let me ask you a couple of questions.

1.    If you were the one who asked Jesus for a man, what do you think He would have said in response to you? Would he say “you have mistreated the one I sent to you” or “you are not ready to be a wife yet”? Would he say “the last time I sent you one you said he wasn’t your type”? Or “you looked down at the one I sent you last time”. Be honest, what do you think Jesus would say to you if you asked him for a man?

2.    Are you one of those who believe that once you get married, you have “entered your rest”? Do you know that marriage is a call to “more work” rather than “rest”? 

3.    Are you busy cat-walking past the right man because your eyes are set on “the Hollywood” type man?

4.    If you were quarantined to an Island for the rest of your life and you are allowed to choose one man to live in that island with, who will you choose? (Read Chapter 15 of Winning Ways for Wise Women –J C Gogo for tips).

When it comes to relationship/marriage, I believe that the reason why many ladies make the wrong choice is because they have the wrong vision and some others have misplaced priorities. Some know that the guy they say is “just like a brother” or “just a friend” is probably the right person for them. Not in every case though, but why would anyone think of marrying someone who is not as close as a friend? Countless young ladies have gone into marriage to later regret because they realize that the one whom they married is not the one whom they can laugh, pray and play with. 

Worse still, I think it is foolishness to want to marry a man because he is “handsome and rich”. Need I say more? Read about these and more in Winning Ways for Wise Women.

Click here to Order>

http://www.amazon.com/Winning-Ways-Wise-Women-Gogo/dp/9789358822/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391157339&sr=8-1&keywords=j+c+gogo

In Nigeria click here>

http://www.kaymu.com.ng/winning-ways-for-wise-women-49102.html

Your comments and/or questions are welcome!

You Can Be Phenomenal

Intro

I know everyone has a right to his/her opinion or perspective, but I have a feeling that I’m not the only one who has observed the unprecedented transformation our world has gone (and is still going) through. Things have changed so much that even the blind can see a whole new World. The advent of bigger and faster air planes, development of advanced communication systems, proliferation of social networking and a new generation of smart phones; these and more tell us that we cannot maintain the status quo ante. The world is moving forward and my dear ladies, you cannot afford to be left behind.

My new book “Winning Ways for Wise Women” was written to motivate every lady to rise and take her place in the forefront. Every woman can be productive and exceptional. Every woman can be phenomenal.

Here is a short extract from the book:

You are too smart to be ordinary

The ideology of what we call “Woman” has changed significantly in the 21^st century. There is a paradigm shift and the world has evolved and grown beyond the old-fashioned pattern of life. It has its good and bad sides, but on a balance of probabilities one should say there are advantages that we should consider great gain. In those archaic days women thought themselves to be home keepers only and a woman who is able to take care of the home front is considered to have achieved something enormous. Some may say the old mentality was imposed on women by some chauvinistic people and system; well, let us not argue that but celebrate the accomplishments so far.

These days, the woman’s place is not just in the home- the kitchen or bedroom, it is much more. Women now play a vast array of roles in board rooms, politics, schools, hospitals, mission field, ministries and many other areas. A woman can be a wife and still be a student, work to support her family, lead a local church, run a business, be a mother to her children and still be effective in her marital responsibilities to her husband (if you know what I mean). Any woman, who must succeed in this fast paced age, must find a way to balance between all these without complaining or getting agitated about being overworked. As a matter of fact, in recent times there are few women who are not involved in at least four of the above. It is not an easy feat, but what exactly is easy these days!?

Stand out

Since things have changed, it therefore becomes critical for you as a woman to change with the times; not to the negative but to become progressive and take your place at the centre stage. This requires a change of mentality. No one puts new wine in an old wine skin; so also, no one can survive and achieve anything meaningful in this new age with an old-school mentality. This is not a call to conform to worldly standards, but a challenge to rise beyond traditional values and do what you have to do to leave your footprint in the sands of time. But you cannot do this without a renewed attitude and deliberate effort to rise and act; “You can’t leave footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sand of time?” -Anonymous. You must aggressively challenge yourself to be a multi-dimensional woman, whose lifestyle redefines acceptable standard for the women folks.

Order your copy now. Click here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/9789358822

Questions and comments are welcome.

When the water runs dry

Curled from "Committed To Purpose"

When I was a little boy, I liked to eat more than was required. Because of my gluttony, I had this ‘handsome’ looking potbelly. You could spot me amongst other children with my potbelly. I would eat myself to stupor such that it became an issue. Apart from that, there was something unusual about my eating habit; when I ate, I wanted the food to last forever. However, it was never that way, so every meal ended with a loud cry for more food. In as much as I wished the food would never finish, it had to finish. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Every phase in life has a beginning and an end. Good experience or bad experience, as long as it has a beginning you should expect the end because it must come.

Consider the experience of Elijah the prophet who called down fire from heaven without long nights of prayer, fasting or vigils. I mean Elijah who declared to Ahab “…there shall not be dew nor rain these years but according to my word” (1kings 17:1 KJV). His experience in the book of 1kings chapter 17 forms the content of this chapter.

Elijah was a no nonsense prophet and he was bold enough to prove this to anyone who came his way.  In an attempt to get Ahab – one of the most unjust kings that ever ruled Israel (cf. 1kings21:25) – to turn back to God, he declared that it would not rain in the land for years.  God had to back Elijah up, because he was God’s man and he must not suffer with an unjust king and a godless generation.

“Go Eastward Elijah” God said “and hide beside the brook called Cherith just before Jordan. You will drink from the brook Cherith and I have instructed some ravens to feed you there” (my paraphrase)

Quickly Elijah packed his luggage and off he went to the brook side.  It was fun for Elijah to have more than enough, when everyone in town was starving. Ravens brought him food morning and evening, and Elijah had the pleasure of drinking from his private stream. I consider it a miracle for those predatory, stingy birds that do not eat healthy food to feed Elijah. Moreover, where were they supposed to find the bread they served Elijah? However, this is God’s doing, He can use anyone and anything, anytime He chooses.  God made wonderful provision for Elijah and I can imagine the excitement in his heart as the days went by. The joy of success, the encouragement you get when things are working right, the applause you receive when you do the right thing, the peace you have within when things work as planned; these and more were the experience of Elijah the Tishbite.

Not too long, something happened. Only God knows how long it took to happen but the author puts it very simple “And it came to pass after a while …?” Good times should not end because such times bring you joy like a river, unbelievable comfort and incomparable peace, the fun should continue but “…after a while, the brook dried up” What a tragedy!  Why should bad things happen to good people? Is there something wrong with a righteous man having endless pleasure? Was it God that did this or was it Satan the devil? How do we explain to the world that our God lifted us up and afterwards let us down? Is it not disgraceful for someone to have tasted palace life and then crash back to the slum? Can you imagine the pain Elijah felt when the brook dried up and the ravens stopped delivering fresh meat and bread?

Have you ever been there? I mean have you ever tasted glory or affluence and suddenly you are down. You used to be wealthy, but now you cannot even find money to eat breakfast. You used to have ideas without thinking much, but now ideas are as scarce as diamonds. There was a time when you were the “special one”, but right now, no one even remembers your name. It happens all the time “after a while the brook dried up because there had been no rain in the land”.

No, it is not disastrous that your source dried up, it is not bad news. It is not that God broke your heart or that the devil showed up. It only means that the “brook” is not a place of permanence. God did not make it a place of retirement. Nevertheless, many times you see people who retire and build an empire around their “brook”. It is juvenile to expect your “brook” to be perpetual. No source will remain forever. Only God is our eternal source and He alone can determine what, who and where He uses to provide for us. When a source opens up, maximize it, but do not build the whole of your life around it. It is dangerous to believe that a particular  source will never end.

The “brook” experience is an opening, there are yet more sources to open up and there is a higher level yet ahead. If the Lord brought you to the “brook”, then you can be sure that there is something bigger and better in store for you, so instead of blaming God, the devil, your family, friends or neighbours, why don’t you look up for marching orders! Do not blame yourself, do not blame your enemies, and do not blame your family, friends, leaders or your country’s economy. Rather than play the blame game “…stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near” (Luke 21:28 NIV). Just like David declared “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help.  My help cometh from the Lord…” (Psalm 121:1-2 KJV), when things fall apart and you cannot understand them, it is time to look up.

Your help does not come from anywhere else, not even the “brook”; it comes from the Lord. Take your eyes away from the dead situation, forget the source that is closed up, the Lord says, “look unto me, and be ye saved” (Isaiah 45:22 KJV). You are not finished yet, God is not through with you yet, look up to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith (cf. Hebrews 12:2). Look up and live! The more you look at the “dried brook”, the more depressed, disgruntled and disillusioned you get. Look up, for your lifting is near. Each time a door shuts, God is saying that your lifting is near. Yes, He is your glory and the lifter up of your head (cf. Psalm 3:3).

Elijah did not have to cry to attract the ‘pity crew’, he did not curse God or blame the devil for his predicament, he did not even loose one night sleep; he looked up and the Lord looked down on him and said “Arise …” . When you see the word “arise” in the bible, pay close attention to it, the addressee is either in a comfort zone or in a state of despair. It is possible to stay in your comfort zone and forget that there are greater heights to attain. The “brook” most times, keeps people so comfortable that they do not want to move forward. That is the reason why the enemy of your best is the good that you have. As I take a deeper look into the situation at hand, it seems to me that Elijah had settled by the brook Cherith. By ‘settled’, I mean  ‘pitching a tent’. It looks like he made the brook a place of permanent abode, so God said to him “arise, this is not the end, get up, the journey continues”.

In case your “brook” has not dried up yet and you have pitched your tent by the brook, God is saying you should rise up and move higher. The best is yet ahead. The glory of tomorrow is greater than that of yesterday and today. It does not matter how sweet, exciting and productive this level is; there is something and somewhere much better than where you are, therefore rise and move up. The more you remain at this level, the more you lose sight of greatness.  A Latin proverb says “qui non proficit, deficit”, meaning to say, “He who does not progress, regresses”. If things are going well right now, still keep moving, do not stop or else it will amount to regression. 

To those of you, who right now are in a state of despair, I mean those who are down in frustration, God also says “arise”. You do not have to settle for defeat. You do not have to live forever with a “dried brook”. Get up, awake from your misery and look ahead, for something better is in the offing. The children of Israel got to that point where they laid down in the dust. They stayed so long in the dust that they became complacent. God had to wake and shake them up “Awake, awake, put on thy strength O Zion; put on thy beautiful garments … shake thyself from the dust…” (Isaiah 52:1-2 KJV).

Wake up and go forward, says the Lord. The experiences of your past and present, all work together for your good (cf. Romans 8:28). The good and the beautiful, the bad and the terrible, the ugly and the frightening – all things work together for your good.

What’s love got to do with it?

The saying “it is better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage” has become very popular among many folks who quote it to encourage themselves after a broken relationship. But is it a wise saying? Does everyone have to go through a broken engagement before they find the right person? Should negotiations about the relationship/marriage start before or when the parties have agreed to marry? Should anything be strong enough to be a deal breaker when there is love? Should anyone be negotiating from a disadvantaged position? Is anyone really disadvantaged? These questions point to the topic we intend to discuss this week.

In my opinion, the right time to negotiate and talk about what you can and cannot accept in a relationship is before the two parties agree to marry. The first time you feel you like her/him, is the best time to start asking questions about their likes/dislikes, dreams/visions/, faith/belief, attraction and other basic issues. When you get closer and believe that two of you have even the slimmest chance of getting married, you may want to go deeper and talk about more serious topics like finances, sex, family and future expectations. Not talking about these issues early can be dangerous because when you get very close and your hearts have begun to get fond of each other, it may be difficult to break off. Trying to detach from a relationship after you have become emotionally involved with someone can be very painful. Some may want to say it is better to break a relationship when you realize that you two have more disagreements than agreements, more misunderstanding than understanding, but maybe it is much better to not even agree to marry, than to start and then break it halfway thereby hurting yourselves. Before the two of you bond, before you become very attached, before you get to the point where you spend close to half or most of your time thinking about and missing him/her, make sure you know the basic things about them to determine if he/she meets your expectation of a spouse.

Overrated self

Sometimes when I listen to some single people say the things they expect from their prospective spouse, I smile and wonder why some people have bogus expectations.

·        A lady is five (5) feet tall, wears a size sixteen (16), can barely lift herself off the bed to workout and has a “vision” that she will marry a six feet tall well built handsome man who works out daily. Are you being fair on the man?

·         A man has a three (3) feet long pot belly, can barely express himself in his lingua franca, couldn’t finish high school and is still struggling to make ends meet, yet he insists that he must marry a slim (size 6) Master degree holder who works with a transcontinental company and owns a thriving business. If the table was turned and you were the better person, would you think it is a fair deal if you got one like that?

Even the holy book says no one should see himself more highly than he/she is. It is not only spurious to have such imbalanced expectations; I think it is also stupid. It is not feasible to expect someone to give you what you cannot give. Before you set a standard, it is wise to look at yourself, consider your peculiar condition and then determine what is good for you. Evaluate yourself honestly and demand for what you deserve. This does not mean you should not have a big vision. It only means your vision should not be something that will take divine intervention to achieve. You should also be what you expect from the other party, after all the vision is yours why not be “it” too.

When love is not enough

I have always believed that when there is love, marital happiness is guaranteed. I didn’t think there was anything love could not handle. Maybe, it not wrong, but I think it should be rephrased to “all things being equal, when there is love, happiness is guaranteed”. This is so because I realized that you can love someone but for certain reasons you may not be able to have marital bliss with them. Take for instance, two young fellows were in love with each other, but they later realized that they are cousins and could not marry. What do they do? Or, like someone asked on this blog, how can a man have marital bliss with a woman who says she does not enjoy what is given to couples for pleasure? If she does not find pleasure in sex, should she probably marry the other man who is desperate to marry but is impotent? If love is all that matters, should a sexually active lady stay with a lover who is impotent?

How about some people who are in love but found out that they cannot have children as a couple due to certain conditions like Rhesus factor? This does not mean that the man or woman is infertile, but that the woman’s womb cannot carry the pregnancy of certain men and this man happens to be one of such. Yes they are probably incompatible for marriage, but there are many people in such condition who are truly in love; what should they do? Is love enough to hold them together even though they may never have children together? Should they break-up and look for someone more compatible? Is there a time when love is not good enough?

Deal or no deal?

I asked fifty (50) men and fifty (50) women between ages 25-50 to name one major thing they consider a deal breaker. I wanted to know that one thing they cannot take and that will end their relationship. Thirty two (32) women and nineteen (19) men responded. Reading through their responses, I thought that some of them, like not liking to kiss, sports club they support and fashion sense, are a bit too trivial to break a relationship. Race, tribe, social status, denomination, and a couple others I consider not that critical an issue to break a relationship. Interestingly, seven (7) out of the fifty-one (51) responses I received said nothing was strong/bad enough to make them break a relationship with someone they love. Many men and women mentioned the same things and I have categorized them into the following:

1)     Incompatibility in major areas

2)     Unfaithfulness

3)     Fat and out of shape

4)     Habitual liar

5)     Physical and verbal abuse

6)     Too skinny

7)     Trust issues

8)     Unwillingness to improve

9)     Illiteracy

10)  Drug use/Smoking

11)  Insecurity

12)  Dishonesty

13)  Indiscipline

14)  Over 10 inches shorter or taller

15)  Not of the same faith

16)  Cheating with same sex

17)  Dirtiness

18)  Much older or much younger

19)  Impotence/frigidity

20)  Violence

21)  Lack of self control

22)  Bestiality

23) Laziness

Is there something you think should be on this list? Is there any of the above you think should not be there?

One person’s deal breaker may not be the other person’s deal breaker. For instance, I use to think that unfaithfulness was a no, no for most people until a young lady said she had gone back to the man who cheated on her with her close friend while they were still courting. I thought that no one should stay in an abusive relationship, until a young lady sent me a message that she had married the man who beat her several times. I never thought any one could marry someone who cheated on them with an animal until someone said “love is stronger than death, maybe there is a reason why they did it”. It is a matter of belief and perspective. Maybe, love is all that matters, or is it? What do you think? Let me know your thoughts.