How attractive is nagging?

In recent years nagging has become very popular such that, in my opinion, people don’t consider nagging to be nagging. Recently I heard someone say “when I talk about what hurts me people say I am nagging”; well then, we need to look at nagging from another simple perspective. If people say you nag, or fuss about nearly everything and you do not see it that way, then I guess something is wrong.

A few weeks ago a woman said her husband had not been intimate with her and she thinks there is something more than the eyes can see. I asked the man and here is his response:

“Sir, does she expect me to come hug her when she complains about literally everything and she does that every day? Does she think I am not affected by her consistent nagging about how early I wake up, how fast I eat, how slow I drive, how I hold her hands along the streets just once in a week, how my family come to the house too often and bla bla…”

I asked the young man why he doesn’t try to do some of those things his wife was complaining about and he goes:

“…then the complaints will change to exactly the opposite. ‘…why do you eat so slowly? Why do you wake up so late? How come you drive so fast? Is it not too much to hold my hand in the public everyday, don’t you think people will misunderstand us? How come your family members have not been visiting, I feel like you have told them something bad about me isn’t it?” Erm…!?

In as much as I do not think the young man in question is absolutely right in his stand, I think the story proves the key point I want to make about nagging. I think nagging is more of a mental/psychological issue than it is about things not happening right or being mishandled, mistreated or ignored. It seems to me that people who nag do have a psychological problem that makes them unable to see things the way they are. How else can one explain complaints about two opposites? For instance, how can someone complain that his wife’s hair is too short and when she lets it grow he complains that it is too long? How can someone complain that her husband has no time with her and when she does get a moment with him she spends it complaining about the time she does not have? Why will a sane person complain that used baby diapers smell of urine? Well, there has to be only one logical explanation to this; there must be a psychological (if not mental) problem that causes humans to nag. I’m not too sure I’m making sense, but I might just be right. I have thought about things that people thought were not correct, but twenty (20) years later they have become real and true. This too might just be right.

Many of us have read about Abraham Lincoln’s wife who nagged him about nearly everything and created disgraceful scenes in public. We also know that his attitude towards her changed and also some people believe that she nagged him to death. But then again, did we not also hear that her insanity came to public at some point in her life after her husband had died? Is it not possible that all her nagging was as a result of some kind of undiagnosed mental problem rather than real issues? No, tell me, who nags like that if he/she doesn’t have a mental of psychological problem? Who in their right frame of mind complains nearly every day and almost about everything, everybody and everywhere?

Here is my conclusion:

1)      Whoever complains too much and about nearly everything must have issues with their mind. If people think you complain too much, check yourself and don’t blame anyone else.

2)      You cannot eat your cake and have it, if you nag your spouse don’t expect intimacy from them. There are ways to get attention, nagging is not one of them. Rather than get your spouse to get closer, nagging drives them further away from you.

3)      People who nag do not accept that they do so I guess it also proves my point that there has to be an underlying mental cause. Don’t you think that denial of reality itself is a mental problem?

4)      If you do accept that you probably have this problem, then consult a psychologist or probably psychiatrist so they can seek ways to help you.

5)      If you are a victim of nagging, don’t wait till you are nagged to death, seek help too. In many cases a counselor can help you.

More points to note:

1)      Parents need to know the line between training/teaching and nagging, you don’t have to talk about everything your children do, doing that might amount to nagging

2)      Women might be the most popular for nagging, but some men do nag too and it is worse when a man nags

3)      Not all complains are nagging, but constant repetition of a complain amounts to nagging

4)      It is possible that what you are saying is right/good, but to keep talking about it to the point where people around you feel like running away from you, you are nagging.

5)      Nagging does not in any way increase intimacy; in fact, experts say nagging will cause fight or flight. If they won’t fight you, they find things to keep them away from you as much as possible.

How can you tell you’ve become a nag? (According to Weiner-Davis-culled from WebMD)

1)      You're increasingly frustrated because you're not getting through to your partner, despite asking again and again.

2)      Your partner becomes increasingly defensive each time you ask for something.

3)      The things that bother you tend to grow in scope -- you're more bothered by more things, more often.

4)      Your irritation is contagious -- the more irritated you get, the more irritated your partner gets.

5)      The weaknesses in the relationship, such as what your partner isn't doing despite your attempts at effecting change, become the focus, rather than the strengths in your relationship.

6)      The most obvious sign that you tend to nag: You've said the same thing five different ways, five different times, and yet you keep on going

The Bottom line is: Nagging does not help solve the problem rather it makes it worse and makes you loose people who love you. I guess that means it is so unattractive to nag. Again I say; if you nag, don’t expect affection/intimacy, rather expect people to plan their lives as far from you as they can be. Simple isn’t it?

Keep moving-Don't stop

In the last few weeks I have been traveling a lot and the least I can say is that my eyes have seen a lot, my ears have heard a lot, my mind has learnt a lot, my spirit is renewed and I cannot say I am all impressed, but I’m sure not depressed. In the 1st place, I am very convinced that ignorance is not bliss; ignorance is a huge disadvantage and whoever has chosen to remain that way is in the dark; more like living in the dark ages. I pity such people, they are in an unfortunate state. In the 2nd place, I have come to agree with Saint Augustine that “the world is a book and those who do not travel have only read a page” Well, indeed the world is a very informative and educative huge book (a book of several hundreds, if not thousands, of pages) and those who do not travel or move around have not started reading it at all. That’s what I think. The only way to read this book is to start traveling. Start moving. There is no better way to understand life, indeed, the world around us, other than to see it, so move.

I realize that one reason people are not growing or progressing is because they don’t move and lack of movement is what they call stagnation. When you are stagnant you become a problem to yourself, your family, your friends, your leaders, in fact, you become a problem to everyone and everything. A stagnant person wakes up in the morning and is frustrated with him/her self and of course everyone who they meet that day gets a taste of their “bitterness”. Like they say stagnant water smells and that is so true.

So why don’t people like to move? One reason comes to mind, attachments-attachments to people, places, things and etc. There is really nothing wrong with attachments, only that any attachment that does not allow you grow and improve has become an impediment. I know someone who was so attached to a house that he didn’t want to move. Several years later most of his friends had moved out from the area and had achieved a lot and he wouldn’t move because it was his first house. No he didn’t build or buy it, it was a rented house and he still pays the house owner. It took him many years to realize how the attachment to the house kept him stagnant, but at that time, most of his contemporaries had gone far ahead of him. His attachment beclouded his reasoning such that he didn’t know that there was life outside his location.

Some of you are attached to a place-like a country or state. You have come to love that country/state so much that you do not think that there might be possibilities/opportunities elsewhere. Well, maybe you don’t have such problem; but if you live in a place and you neither function to your optimum nor prosper at the speed God wants you to, you do yourself great injustice not to move. You don’t know what you are missing.

To some others your attachment might be to a friend, family, relationship, job, church or something you consider important but not productive. Why will you stick with something that is not productive? Why will you continue to be attached to something that is not profiting you or others? Why will you be attached to something/someone God doesn't want for you? When will you ask yourself if your presence in a place has become a problem to you and others? That’s the problem; many times you are the problem but you do not see it and all you do is blame others for your misfortune. Maybe, it is time to move and get some fresh air, fresh ideas, fresh skills…

If right now you feel like you are stagnant and you have run out of ideas of what to do to make progress, then I suggest that it is time to move. Change your environment. Relocate. Move to another house. Move to another state. Look for another job. Take a holiday and go somewhere other than where you have always been. Sometimes, when you move and return, things get better, but others times, you just don’t need to return, relocation might just be what you need to reach the next dimension.

Am I saying that everyone has to travel before they succeed? No. Not at all! All I am saying is that if you have climaxed at the wrong time, or you have observed that you are not making progress where you are; or maybe you have been having a nudge in your spirit that you have stayed too long in your present position, or you have become a problem to the people and the system you are in, then it is time to move out and move up. That may be a step that will help both you and those around you; your moving might just bring you and others unbelievable healing and growth. It is risky, but I think it is better to take this risk and get a better result than stay stagnant and risk losing the things and people dear to your heart. It’s up to you.

Watch your mouth!

These days people don’t seem to care much about what they say, to whom, where and when; they open their mouths and say what they want to say, how they want to say it and not give a ‘hoot’ about the resultant effect. They call it freedom of speech, yes, but I wonder does it mean “freedom of mouth use”?

Recently I have been worried about the way people use their mouth. I have been worried about the way people kiss. Yeah, I’m worried about the whole kissing thing. Many young people think they are smart and they use protection during sex, but many of them have come out with some infections even with the so-called protection. So, is kissing really safe? Is it alright to kiss as many people as you wish? The answers may be scary, but it is my job to tell things that others are scared to say.

“We know that kisses of passion can lead to one thing or another. But did you know that kissing can also lead to an infectious disease? Mononucleosis, or mono, is the prototypical “kissing disease,” and sexually-transmitted diseases are infamous following some romantic interludes. But did you know that there are many infections that can be spread through mere kissing alone?”-Ingrid Koo PhD (http://infectiousdiseases.about.com/od/respiratoryinfections/a/kissing.htm)

Need I say more!? Scientists have said that Epstein-Barr virus EBV), cytomegalovirus (CMV), Streptococcus, Herpes Simplex Virus-1 (HSV-1), Hepatitis B, A, C and some others, all can be spread and shared through kissing. So, there is something called “kissing disease”; no it is not called “kissingitis”  but yes kissing is not as safe as many people think. So what does it mean for us?  Simple! It means we can’t afford to kiss just any body since we don’t know what they carry in their mouth. It means that we have to apply caution, better still lets apply restriction to our kissing activities. So friends, watch where you put your mouth. Watch your mouth.

I have kept this short and simple so you can have enough time to think about what you do with your mouth. Here is a little poem for you. Enjoy!

Love is in the air
Germs are everywhere
Kissers beware
Of infections you can share.

(http://infectiousdiseases.about.com/od/respiratoryinfections/a/kissing.htm)

Marriage, Sex and Babies

Some years ago some young men (between the ages of 28 and 38) hosted a radio show talking about men, understanding how they think and what they want. It was really an interesting program, each week several people call in from all over the place to share their experiences and these young men made suggestions and recommendations. They said that after several years of research and comparing notes with each other, they had discovered the secret to how men react and respond and that they could help women who struggled in/with their relationship (obviously with men). A couple of the callers had very interesting questions/issues but one, only one really kept my mouth ajar-if ajar means half open for a while.

The phone rang and the caller goes “good afternoon gentlemen…” and the men, including the presenter who is also a man , responded “good afternoon”. She went straight to the point; she didn’t want to waste their time as she knows that there are other callers waiting. Her question was direct “what do men want from their wives? That sounded easy for the “experts” but in order to get further clarification the presenter asked the caller if she was married. “Yes” was her answer. He went on to ask how old she was, how long she had been married, is it her first marriage and etc. The caller  answered “I am 65 years old and have been married for 40 years to the same man but I still do not know what Mark (not the actual name) wants from me” Like you will imagine, there was complete silence in the studio. You could hear a pin drop.

Well, this article is not about marriage but read on because I should tell you the end of the story and how the “experts” handled the “young” woman’s question.

First, the topic of this article is “Marriage, Sex and Babies” but my emphasis is more on the order rather than the three key issues. When I was young that was the due order; you married before having sex and making babies. We started life dreaming about what we would be in the future. I remember telling my teacher once in elementary school that when I grow up I would like to be a professor. I didn’t know what that meant but as a kid three things really appealed to me: I like to teach, travel and write stories. “Well,” said my teacher Mrs. Iriele. (I wonder where she is right now. If anyone ever knows how to reach her, tell her I say her prophesy is coming to pass) “yes you can be a professor but you have to read hard, know a lot about many things and stay focused…you can be what you want to be” She concluded. For many years the words of my teacher reverberated on my mind. I stayed focus on my studies and did not let anything distract me. In high school they taught about sex but the teacher added “…but sex is better experienced in marriage”. I kept that in my heart and did not allow anything drag me into experimenting before the right time. I cannot say it was easy, but I had decided to wait and I was not the only one; several other young people chose the same path-the path of abstinence.

But these days I have seen the reverse of what we believed and practiced in the 90s. These days, people have sex and sometimes have babies before marriage. Is it just me or is there something wrong with this generation?  

Sexperimentation
So, they want us to believe that the world is better off with sexual exploration as long as protection is used huh? Well, that really worries me and several other observers; how does “protection” protect the heart of several young girls broken every hour? How does “protection” erase the shame and embarrassment that accompany these uncontrolled passions and experiments? Tell me how “protection” restores the dignity of the people involved!? And when the so called protection fails what happens when the repercussions that come with pre-marital sex starts. Has anybody discovered how to protect the mouth yet? So they want us to believe that one can use protection to prevent infections and yet people kiss everyday without oral protection!? Why can’t we just tell young people the truth about condom and stop giving them false impressions and false hopes? We are raising a generation of “mini prostitutes”, a generation without discipline or self dignity, a generation without control and we call it what, Sexual exploration?

In those days people end up having one sex partner in their lifetime and if for any reason you had two you felt ashamed about it. A few days ago I was talking to an 18 year old boy who was talking about his ex and I went “you already have an ‘ex’ at 18?” Most of his colleagues present at that time laughed and one of them said “…no, he doesn’t have an ‘ex’, he has several ‘exes’. At 18 he has been naked before more than one woman, how many women would he have been naked before when he is in his 40s? Well, that is if he makes it to 40.

I used to think that when you see a man and a woman (Boy or girl) getting intimate they are either married or planning to marry but it seems that I’m wrong. Boys see girls as “objects of relaxation” and girls seem to enjoy it until they get tired of playing around. Then after all the games the girl thinks  she should settle down and the boy finds a reason to end it and he moves on to find another “fool” And we call this “information age”? I thought people who live in this age should have access to information? Why can’t people read and learn from the mistakes of others. Freedom seems to be killing us so maybe, just maybe we should revert to those days when sex was kept for one person alone. Let’s revert to those days when people were rewarded because they kept themselves until marriage. There were fewer diseases, less heart breaks, less divorces and more fun. Sex is a lot like driving; you need to be trained, and you need a license.

…after the baby then what?
I have also observed that many people have children and then begin to wonder what to do with them. These days we hear people say things like “since I had this kid I have lost my life, I wish I know what to do with this child” It’s a shame. If you are not ready for a baby, should you make one? Should you be having sex? If you cannot stand heat, what are you doing in the kitchen, why are you looking into the oven? I do not see the sense in having a child when you are not ready for the responsibility, when you’re unprepared for the commitment to care and nurture. What more can I say? It is foolish to put the cart before the Horse; no one gets anywhere that way! It only brings frustrations and disorder. Let’s have our priorities in proper perspective. When things are done right it saves everyone involved pain and misery. A child born at the wrong time will upset a whole family. But what worries me is when they tell you the first one was a mistake, you wonder what the second and third is. And the shame in many cases is that the kids have different fathers. This is a shame indeed but worse still a complicated and confused childhood for innocent children.

I know you want to know how the young experts handled the callers question; well, the story, as it were, may not have any correlation to this article, I used it because some people claim to have “complete” knowledge about men. No one can fully understand the heart of man or woman; it has been described as “desperately wicked”. The human thought pattern is hardly comprehensible and even though we might learn a bit of it, yet we cannot lay claim to full or perfect understanding of any humankind. Anyway, the “experts” couldn’t help her, at least not in my opinion. After a brief silence, they asked her a few more questions and when he realized that the caller had survived 40 years without their counsel, the presenter told her “whatever you have done that has kept the two of you together all this while, keep doing it.” Well, that is good enough although I guess she knew that before she called.

I can’t say I know what men want or what women crave for, but I know that everyone desires a good life; so I suggest that we, the people of the 21^st century, re-arrange our priorities, plan for the future and live according to the God ordained order. We will be better off.

Identity theft- Are you a victim?

 I lost my ID once and I was so sad to have lost it. It meant so much to me because without it I would not be able to get some of the free stuff and discounts that come with the card and lots more. Later that week a friend called me and as we were talking I mentioned to him “…I am battling with Identity theft…”  My friend sounded really worried and hoped I resolved the ‘issue’ as soon as possible. A few years later I realized that Identity theft is much more than what I had told my friend. I might have lost my ID, but indeed, that is not my identity. What I lost was an identification card. Identity theft is a whole different ball game from loss of identification card.

Identity theft is:

1. You living someone else's life
2. Someone else living your life

On a certain day, on His way from one of His crusades, Jesus met this guy who was infested with a demon, indeed, some demons. The devils had taken over his whole life and this man did not live with humans anymore; he made his abode in the mountains and tombs. If you think you could bind him with chains you are wrong, he tore chains in pieces with ease and taming him was an impossible thing (at least from a human perspective). In any case who will think of taming a man whose life had been hijacked by demons and who could shake off chains like a piece of cloth!?

Now this demon infested man sees Jesus as He alights from a ship and runs to worship and plead with the Lord not to torment him (isn’t it strange  that a tormentor fears being tormented!?). When Jesus saw this man, he quickly recognized that the man was not himself. The master saw beyond the outward look and He discerned that the man who lived in the tomb and could not be tamed, was not in his right mind; there was something else inside that mass of clay. To prove His point Jesus asked his name and the demons spoke through this man and said “…my name is Legion, we are many”.  That is it, some one else (indeed some other thing (s)) was living the life of this nameless man. His identity had been hijacked (cf. Mark 5:1-13).

There are several people walking on our streets who are in the same condition as this man; they may look like everyone else, they could even dress, talk and act like us, but their identity has been hijacked. There are some other people who we wonder why they are not living up to expectation and when we try to encourage them they flip out on us; it will not be wrong if we say such  people’s identities have been hijacked. When a young man goes out to blow himself up and kill others, you know he has lost his real person.  Do you know that when a young person is visionless, not motivated and is waiting for some sudden event to happen and change his life, he/she too has lost his/her identity?

You know your identity is stolen when:

1. You keep trying to be what you are not
2. You find yourself doing what you do not want to do
3. You cannot do what you want to do
4. You find yourself chasing someone else’s vision and not yours
5. You try to do the will of God but find yourself doing something else
6. You live to please other people
7. You give your body for money (prostitution of any kind)
8. You do not have control over your appetites (food, sex, shopping etc)
9. You do not know your purpose and you live without a vision
10. You are confused about your sexuality

There are forces against God and against you that battle to take possession of you and use you against your will and it is your responsibility to wage war and fight against these forces. If you find yourself experiencing any of the above it is an indication that your identity has been hijacked and you are not yourself. This is the right time to go to the master and cry for help and say “Lord I am not what I ought to be, something strange has got a hold on my mind and body and I need your help”. Jesus will not deny you, He will help you. He will deliver you. He will restore you to your right mind and lift you to where you belong. And you can be sure that when the master touches you, the real you will return. Your lost identity, your lost glory, indeed your lost life will be restored after the master has worked on you.

The enemy has come to steal, kill and destroy you, but guess what? Jesus came to save, deliver and restore you. Give Him a chance to do His work in your life and set you free from the shackles of the invaders. You will be free indeed, free to be whom you were born to be; free as a dove.

Whoever the Son sets free is free indeed!

Something worse than death

Lately I have had people call me to say ‘I’m afraid, I might lose my life!’ and I look up and wonder, ‘is death the worse thing ever?’ Is there really a cause to worry about death? What really is death? Does it matter what happens after death?

Some years ago in England I heard a radio advertisement inviting people to get a Masters Degree in… you don’t want to guess do you? OK! They called it Masters of Arts degree in Death and Immortality. I was like ‘what?’ Who wants to learn about death and the afterlife? Are they trying to teach people how to die or what? “Maybe we will start the course here on earth and finish the rest on the other side” I teased. Ha ha! It sounded strange to me and I wondered how the school would get even one student. But not too long ago it dawned on me that maybe death is not the course of study, maybe it is all about preparing for death, teachings on how to handle death (other people’s obviously) and etc. Maybe we all should take that course; I guess it will help us somehow.

First of all I think, like they say, worse than death itself is the fear of it. Many people spend valuable ‘living’ time worrying about dying. I think that is foolishness of another kind. If we all will die someday, I think there are things we must do rather than worry about dying.

1)      Live well/live a meaningful life: If I will not be aware of what happens here on earth when I die, then it is my responsibility to live well and live right so that when I am not here, I would have lived a good life. In my opinion, death is total annihilation from earth. It means you are in extinction. No more in existence on earth. Cut off from friends, family and worldly affairs. I have not been dead before, as you can see, but I have a feeling that dead people don’t feel anything; that is why it is called death- lacking animation. That is deep right there! It means, therefore, that I have to enjoy my life while I have it. Play, laugh, love, dance, smell the roses, make everyone in my world happy and be the best that I can be. Life is too short to hate, frown or be a sadist. Why spend the short life that you have fighting others, destroying, killing and making other people miserable? It is not worth it. If all we got is one life, then live it well so that when you die, I mean,  when you are cut off from here, you would have left a footprint in the sands of time and people who live after you will have a blessed memory of you.

2)      At peace with God: You will be a fool if you do not believe in the existence of God. You can call it anything you want, (divine being, ultimate reality or whatever), but you do yourself a huge favor to believe in God. Living well and living right ensures that you have the best life here and afterward you experience a life of righteousness, peace and joy. Now that’s heavenly! If you have not made peace with God, do it now. Take a moment and talk to God; He is listening, He wants you back. He wants you to have a home with Him when this life is over. Indeed if in this life alone we have hope…we are of all men most miserable (Cf. 1 Cor. 15:19). Being at peace with men helps you live well here and being at peace with God guarantees you a sweet life when you die

3)      Understanding purpose: I thought I should squeeze this in as a bonus, I hope you appreciate it. Everything has its purpose. Everyone on earth has a purpose. If you must live life well and be the best, you must identify your purpose on earth. The best way to know that purpose is by asking God to show you. You see, you can’t avoid Him can you? For more clues, get any of my books “A Date with Destiny” or “Committed to Purpose”.

My point here is, why worry about dying when you can live a fantastic and fruitful life and leave behind a great legacy; and when you are no more here you arrive at a future full of fun- an awesome “hereafter”.  If you are alive and wishing you were dead, then that is worse than death. If you are alive and not living a meaningful life, you are already dead, so why fear death?! If you are alive and do not have hope for a better life hereafter, then I should say you have every reason to fear death because after you die here, your misery just began.

“Fear not that thy life shall come to an end, but rather that it shall never have a beginning.” John Henry Newman

Raw Passion Unrated 3

In other not to make the same mistake she made with Greg, Paula asked Chris straight up if he left a wrist watch in her laptop bag and Chris was surprised to hear that there was a male wrist watch in her bag “how did it get there?” asked Chris “that’s what I’m trying to know you moron, if I knew who did it I wouldn’t ask you will I?” Paula is getting really twitchy and she took it out on Chris who is not finding it easy to understand why Paula chose to ask him about the watch. He has never opened anybody’s bag talk less of touching a girl’s bag who although he considers beautiful and good enough for him, yet he thinks she could be rude and arrogant sometimes. Chris really loves Paula, but he thinks calling him a moron was a bit too harsh but before he could hit back at her she went on “…I’m sorry Chris I didn’t mean to insult you; I feel like I’m loosing my mind. Please forgive me” and she dropped the phone. “It is ok baby, I understand…” Chris responded, not realizing that Paula had hung up “…do you think we have a chance?” he asked. After waiting a few seconds without any word from Paula he went “…hello darling, hello? Are you still there?” It then dawned on him that she had hung up. To the ordinary person that would be rude, but to Chris it meant something different.

Even though many people look at Chris as a nerd, he thinks he is handsome, intelligent, and the best guy a girl can date. He feels as handsome and confident as Nicholas Cage such that he even has Mr Cage’s picture juxtaposed with his own picture on his office and room wall. So while others think of him as a geek, he thinks of himself as the most exiting guy in town. Paula’s call made him think that she has considered his offer so hanging up the phone to him was an invitation to call back. Even though it is rude, yet he thinks that is "romantic rudeness", kind of. Confidently he picks up the phone and calls her back “sweetheart I know sometimes it could be exasperating to be all alone weekends and I know you need some attention and loving. I hereby volunteer to spend time with you at a place of your choice. And don’t think about the bill, wherever you choose for us to go and what ever we choose to eat or drink, the bill is on me.” While he was speaking Paula was busy crying her heart out, so thinking things were working in his favor, he continued “…I feel the pain that you feel, I understand why you cry, but don’t worry darling, everything is going to be alright I promise you.”

Strange enough Paula was not offended by Chris’ words rather she was inspired and encouraged, or so it seemed. “Chris, what are you doing today by 2:30pm?” She asked. “Well, if you want me then I should be available to you, I’m all yours baby!” Chris responded exuberantly. “Could you pick me up today at 2pm so we can go somewhere?” Paula requested “why, not?! Sure” He answered. She gave him her address and you need to see the smile on Chris’ face when he got off the phone “Yeah! I did it!” he exclaimed. He went straight to choose the right garb (that’s what he calls it) for the day.

Meanwhile Paula calls up the girls (Trisha and Sheila) to know where they were going to hang out and all arrangements were made. The weekend was set and Paula, it seemed, was about to have a swell time. Although it started with frightening experiences, she was glad that things had eventually fallen in place so she thought she should straighten up things with Greg. Greg wanted them to go to a bigger restaurant, but she called him up to let him know she was fine with IHOP. She gave the excuse that it was nearer her house and that she was expecting a friend home after their date. This didn’t go too well with Greg but “…half bread is better than none” he thought.

Greg was getting ready for his first date with the girl he dreams of marrying. Although he was a bit apprehensive, (who wouldn’t be), yet he thinks this was his day and planned to get the best out of it. He read through a magazine he bought a few days earlier. The front page read “what to and what not to do on your first date’. He read through the various points over and over again until it stuck in his brain. He also put his house in order in case the girl agrees to come home with him that night. He ordered some flowers, got a hair cut, polished his shoes, got his manicure and pedicure and got a new cologne, the best of the best. He had learned that ladies don’t like guys who don’t smell sweet and he was ready to impress.

Chris on the other hand thought he had won the girl so he thought about ways to further impress ‘his girl’. He got her a little gift to surprise her (don’t ask me what was inside) and he also arranged with some of his old pals to come to the venue and sing her a special song. He didn’t bother to know what kind of music interests her, he guessed she would love country music, and that was what he arranged for. He got some special gel to style his hair, chose his best jeans and practiced the jokes he would tell her. He knew that ladies like guys who can make them laugh and he thought if he told many jokes he would further impress the girl and ultimately get her to fall for him.

Trisha and Sheila planned a surprise for Paula but they didn’t know that Paula also had a surprise for them too. Trisha and Sheila were the other girls among Paula’s friends who are not married yet. And, although they had dated a few guys, none of them seem to have found the right guy. Trisha is not too class conscious, but she likes what every girl likes for a husband-Rich, handsome, Godly and friendly-and in addition to that she believes that her mum and friends must endorse the man. Once she met a guy who met her taste and even got her mum and friends’ approval, but there was a hitch-he had a bad breath. She tried to help him though, but her help was not good enough to cure his ‘ailment’. It was hard, but she had to call it off.

Sheila on the other hand has not been too lucky with guys, so to say. Most of the guys she dated were either unemployed or casual workers. So she has always had to pay their bills, teach them how to use cutlery, when to wear what and almost everything. As if that was not enough, some of them still had enough guts to hit her and she caught the others cheating on her. She could have gone ahead with one of them even though he was a pathological liar; she believed that love can change anyone but one of their friends (Jane-who has been married twice) told her it was an illusion to ever think of changing a man after marriage. Even after the counsel she tried everything she could to change him, but it was all to no avail. The relationship died a natural death, but not before they had a son.

Of the three girls-Paula, Trisha and Sheila- Paula probably is the most inexperienced. She has had fewer dates and she is the youngest of them all. She lives a moderate live, she never drinks, has never been to a club and cannot even think of one crazy think she has done in life. There is no Sunday she doesn’t go to church and unlike the others, she can tell you the preacher’s name, the text from which he preached from and what she learned from the message. Although sometimes her friends think she doesn’t have a life, but she always has a way of making them wish they had her kind of life.

It is 2:30pm on Saturday at IHOP on Bloomfield Avenue Newark NJ. As usual there were many people either eating or on the line waiting to be shown a table. Trisha, Sheila and their little surprise for Paula were at the small room that acted as a reception for those either waiting to be shown their table or those waiting for other members of their group. They were waiting for Paula to show up. Unknown to Trisha and co, Greg also was there waiting but since they didn’t know Paula had invited someone else they didn’t bother to talk with him.

At 2:45 Trisha thought it wise to call Paula up and find out if there was any problem. At the same time, Greg went out to get his mobile phone. Greg thinks it is not courteous to use a mobile phone when you are on a date so he left his phone in his car. While he went out, Trisha called Paula’s home phone and left a voice mail. She also called her mobile and also left a message. Greg did the same, but instead of waiting at the reception he chose to wait in his car.

Never again!

My dad may not have been the best teacher, and his methods of teaching may not have been orthodox, but he did teach me certain things that have stuck with me all my life. He taught me, from his lifestyle especially, how to fight hard and fight smart. He taught me that until I am ready to change something about myself and my environment, everything will remain ‘normal’. My dad taught me not to be satisfied with the status Quo. He really didn’t like me fighting in school but he also didn’t like that I came home telling stories about being bullied and harassed by some lad in class. Almost every week I came home telling him about a guy who beat me and took my pencil and he always asked me ‘what did you do in response?’ I told him I cried and ran back home. And for a while his answer did not change ‘OK!’ was the answer. I guess he was expecting me to do something about it, but I was clueless. One Monday morning I asked him for another pencil and he said “the reason why you keep coming back is because when you ask I give you another pencil, so, I will not give you anymore pencils”. I got the message. Yes I did.

I went to school that day and the same boy came to harass me again but this day, he met another ‘me’. Since I didn’t have a pencil to loose and I was sure my dad was not going to give me another pencil I had no option but to stand up for myself and fight. He hit me and I hit him back. He hit me again and I fell. I almost gave up, but I stood up to fight back. I was ready for that to end. I had taken enough. I stood up and hit him with my ‘reserve energy’ and when he fell I rushed over him and…the rest, they say, is history. At the end I took all the pencils in his bag (I wasn’t sure who owned all the pencils in that bag but I had lost enough pencil to worry) and that was the end of his ‘terror’ over me.

The reason why your enemy keeps ‘terrorizing’ you is because each time they beat you, you cry and retreat. Your tears empower your enemy, it exposes your weakness. Until you can’t take that mess anymore, it will reign over you. Until you stand your ground and ‘resist evil’ it will continue to harass you.

You must come to a place where you decide that nothing will keep you down and hold you back. You must get to that point where you are not willing to stay on the floor but rise from the rubbles of your loss and reach for greatness. You have to come to the point where you do not tolerate that insult and do something about it. Yes you can! Yes you can stop that mess!

Who should have fun on my birthday?

Usually on your birthday people say to you “happy birthday” and some go on to add ‘enjoy your day’. But strange things happen sometimes and I don’t know if it is just me… Why is it that on your birthday people gather together, cook food that they will eat, buy you gift’s that they like and treat you to things they expect you to like? Why do people expect you to celebrate your day their way?

Some years ago someone bought me a shirt and goes ‘I know you don’t like this kind of shirt but I got it anyway’ and I was confused. I thought it was a joke but it seems to happen every now and then.

I think people have a right to do what they love to do on their special day (so long as it is not ungodly). I think people should find out what you love and get it for you on your special day instead of giving you stuff they know you do not like and go ‘try it, you will love it’. Hello!

I like to use my birthdays for reflections and projections. I like to take time out to look back at the year past, evaluate my self, work out how to correct my mistake (s) and make projections for the future. I like to use such time to fine tune my vision vis-à-vis my achievement and failure the last year. I do not like to be tensed on my birthday so gatherings may not help me. Birthdays for me are not for partying; I think I have eaten enough cakes, seen a lot of sights and read enough cards. If there are things I need to see, I do not want to see such on my birthday; if there is a new kind of food I have to try, my birthday is not the right time to try that.

So on behalf of those of us who do not like partying or sight-seeing on our birthdays I’d like to request: please help us to have a happy birthday, find out what we need and help us with it.

Raw Passion Unrated (2)

Paula looks forward with excitement to her weekends but this weekend has turned out to be full of unexpected events. She is not sure if she has enjoyed it so far. First, her high school sweetheart calls after a long while of abandoning her and as if that was not enough, her mum calls to encourage her to give him a chance. She is not ready to allow anybody toil with her emotion “I have allowed people tell me what to do all my life and I don’t think I want to allow that happen to me any more” She thought. Like most young girls, she always wanted to get the opinion of her mum and friends on matters relating to relationships. She didn’t want to date anyone who didn’t meet the expectations off those who love her, but this doesn’t seem to be working. That leaves her confused. Is her mum wrong about Michael? If she is wrong why did she dream about Michael last night? Could that be God’s way of telling her that Michael is the right man? Some people say that dreams are sometimes a continuation of ones thought and imaginations during the day, so did she dream about Michael because he called and because her mum thinks he is a good candidate for marriage? There are too many questions and few answers.

Now for the wrist watch; who owns it and how did it get to her bag? Paula knew that whoever kept the watch in her bag must be a colleague in the office and if he/she intentionally left it there he/she must have a motive. If the motive is getting her attention, then the person has succeeded because she is curious to know who and why. The first person that comes to her mind is Chris Potter. He has asked her out twice and she laughed it off. Nobody likes to date Chris because he is considered socially unaware- a geek of some sort- and he always says the wrong things at the wrong time, to the wrong people. The only thing he is good at is work and mathematics. Paula considers herself unlucky to be the one to catch his fancy. If not it could be Greg her boss. Greg is always on her neck. There was never a weekend when Greg didn’t ask Paula for a date. He has a huge crush on her. But Paula thinks it is not right to date her boss. She is a great believer in office ethics -Business is business and pleasure is pleasure. Although she doesn’t think the two can go well, her friends think otherwise. They think Greg is handsome, intelligent, and rich and what more, he has a crush on her. If office ethics is the only reason why she doesn’t want to date him, they think she doesn’t have a good reason.

“Wait a minute” Paula said to her self, “Greg didn’t ask me out this weekend. Could this be his way of getting my attention?” Now Paula thinks that there are two possibilities here; it is either Chris or Greg that left the watch. The two of them has asked her out, they work in the same office with her, and they have a motive for leaving the watch in her bag. If it is not so then Paula didn’t dream about Michael’s visit last night. Michael is a very interesting person and probably could have sneaked in and out of Paula’s house that night to get her thinking and needing more of him.

Immediately she picked up her phone and calls Greg. “Hey Greg, how are you doing?” “Great…woo! What a surprise, you never call me so what do we owe this special call to?” asked Greg. Greg’s response caught Paula aback. She expected Greg to either apologize for mistakenly leaving his wrist watch in her laptop bag, or say something like “I finally got your attention!” So not knowing what to say she went “well, I thought I should say hi and ask what you are doing this weekend”. Wrong answer to the wrong person! If there ever was anything Greg wanted to do, it would be to have a date with Paula and that is exactly what Paula doesn’t want. But here she is asking a guy out who she doesn’t think is right for her. “Oh I can shelve everything to be with you angel” said Greg “just give me the place and time and I will be there”. He concluded. Paula is already into it so she has no choice but to finish what she started “there is an IHOP shop along Bloomfield, beside the fire station, we can meet there for 2:30. Is that fine by you?” she asked. “Why don’t we do something classier, I mean something like a five star restaurant? Something that suits a beauty queen like you” Greg suggested.

This is not what Paula bargained for. Her Saturdays is usually spent with the girls but it doesn’t seem this one will be like that. She doesn’t know what to discuss with Greg. They have never really had any intimate time, this will be the first and she is not only apprehensive, she is dead nervous. What will she discuss with a man so rich, intelligent and handsome and who has a crush on her? She doesn’t even love him one bit. “As they say, when we get there we cross that bridge” she said to Greg.

Since it didn’t sound to Paula as if Greg did it, she called Chris and, you don’t want to know the next thing that happened?!

Raw Passion Urated

It was 10 30 pm on Friday night and after all the hard week’s work, Paula was just glad to be home and she was happier to know she will have the weekend off work. Although it usually is a boring experience for lots of our working class single ladies, but you cannot beat the joy they have when they think about the work free days ahead. For Paula, it is sweet and sour; sweet because she will have time to rest, go to the cinema, or hang out with the girls, sour when she remembers that six out of her eight closest girl friends are married and she doesn’t even have a date. As if that was not enough, her mum calls from Texas every weekend to know if she caught any “fish” during the week. While having this mixed feelings, her phone rang “oh my, not again. Is it mum calling to know if I got a date or Trisha calling to know when we are hanging out”? She reluctantly walked to the phone and, it was not a familiar number.

“Hello” she said, “hi Paula, it’s been a while” replied the voice on the other side of the phone. The voice didn’t sound familiar and…it was a male voice. “Erm, yeah…yeah, it’s been a while. And where have you been all this while?” Said Paula, still confused about who this strange caller is. “Well, I moved to Tulsa after I lost my mum and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you I was moving. It was not easy for me and my brothers after we lost our mum. I chose to move to Tulsa and start afresh and…” While he was yet talking, Paula recognized the voice, she couldn’t control her emotion and she broke in “…stop it Michael, stop it. You did not treat me right. You hurt me so bad when you left without notice or any forward address. You chose to leave, and you left, you left me and I have been fine, now stay away from me and never come back” she yelled and dropped the phone.

Michael and Paula were childhood friends. They went to Greenwood high school and they were the two best students of the 1999 set. They were always together; Michael was in the school’s basketball team and Paula was a cheerleader. After every game they went home together and all their friends and neighbors thought they were good together. And were they? Maybe! Michael had a girl he wanted to go out with and he always told Paula about her. But there was a hitch; the girl had a boyfriend and the way they were, it seemed she was crazily in love with her boyfriend. Because of this, Paula never thought he had a chance with Michael, but in her heart, she really loved him but wouldn’t tell him. After several months of futile effort to get this girl, Michael eventually gave up. But he still told Paula how much he would have loved to have the other girl. As time went on, the two of them kept their friendship but it didn’t go beyond that.

The death of Michael’s mother brought them closer. In fact it was Paula whom the family used to break the news to Michael. And when she broke the news, Michael broke down and wept like a baby on Paula’s shoulder. She couldn’t go home that night; she had to stay over at his place to console him and make him dinner. That was their first night together and even though Michael was mourning, he still had time and courage to get his first kiss from Paula. It was passionate.

Now Michael is trying to come back into her life and she didn’t want that to happen because as they say “history has a way of repeating itself”; will Michael come back to her life to disappear after a while again? Is he coming back to get serious with her this time? Is he just checking on her? What if Michael is married? By the way, how did Michael get her number? “Oh my, could it be that my family want to use Michael to break the news of my mother’s death to me?” Paula thought. She quickly called her mother’s number and got her voice mail. This was unusual, her mother always pick her phone. “Oh my Lord! Jesus Help me” Paula cried
And as she cried her phone rang again and quickly she picked up the phone “Hello…hello” She stammered.

"Hey baby, how are you doing?” asked the voice on the other side of the phone. Paula took a deep breath when she heard the voice; it was her mother’s voice. They went on and on and talked for almost thirty minutes and her mother didn’t do her usual quizzing about a date. This got Paula suspicious. Even though she never enjoyed that part of their discussion, it was very unusual for her mum not to ask if she had any date. Could it be that Michael got her phone number through her mum? She couldn’t pretend about it so she asked her mum right away; “mum, are you in touch with Michael?” “Yeah, I spoke with him a while ago and he told me you hung up on him… baby” she continued, “He is a good boy with a good heart. He was hurting when his mama died and he couldn’t bear the pain and the only way he knew to respond was to change his environment. Please forgive him and take him back”. Paula was quiet while her mum spoke. She didn’t want to be rude to her mum. And of course she knew her mum thinks she is due for marriage and as usual is trying to suggest who she thinks is a good candidate. She is sincere in her suggestions and nobody will query that.

“Thank you mum, I will think about it and get back to you” she said. “I got to go now mum. Do have a good night” When she hung up she was really confused. How could she go back to a relationship that really hurt her? And by the way, Michael made it clear to her that she is not the kind of girl he wanted for a wife. He preferred the other girl. Why did he suddenly change his mind? He was a nice guy though and Paula can testify that among all the guys she has met so far, Michael was the most courteous of them all and if she has to think of a man to marry, Michael may qualify. But her concerns are legitimate. No girl likes to play ‘second fiddle’ in any relationship and Michael made it clear that he preferred someone else to her.

While she was thinking over it all, someone knocked on her door. “This is strange” she thought. “I’m not expecting anybody at this time of the night…could it be one of my neighbors?” She opened the door and “Oh my world! What are you doing here by this time of the night?” Paula asked. Michael didn’t bother to answer the question; he grabbed her and, like the first time, gave her a good kiss. Although Paula didn’t respond at first, but Michael continued until she opened up. After the kissing session, they talked about almost everything; their high school days, first kiss, life as adults, work and etc. In between as their faces met, they kissed and laughed and touched. Michael’s favorite program came up and Paula lay on his lap while he watched.

When Paula woke up the next morning she had slept on the sofa. There was no Michael and the television was not even on. She had been dreaming. Or so she thought. Everything was the way she left them; her laptop was on top of the study table, her shoes under it, her jacket on the sofa and the lights on. She was glad that Michael’s visit was a dream. She went on to unpack her laptop and she couldn’t believe it, there was a male wrist watch in her laptop bag. Her heart skipped a beat. How did this wrist watch get here? She wondered.
To be continued…

Getting old or too young?

Some years ago one of my young friends  told me she was getting old and needed to marry as soon as possible. For a few seconds my mouth was left open. I thought she was too young to talk about marriage so I didn't really know what to say. Later I asked her 'So what do you want to do? You cannot marry yourself and I don't think you should rush into marriage, you still have time'. Well, I guess my sermon was in vain; I realized that when a young girl thinks she is ready for marriage, no sermon can stop her. In many cases they go on and agree to marry the next suitor that comes their way. And all the way they go, they get married and what next?

I wonder what people mean when they say they are getting old-as if they want to remain young. Is growth not supposed to be a good thing? Is there something wrong about growing to certain ages?  Is there a stipulated age when someone must be married? Should young men and women succumb to family/societal pressure when it comes to the issue of marriage? Is marriage all there is to life? Which is better; to be an old single and happy woman or to be a young miserable wife? To be old and free or to be young and in bondage? Is it better to live single and be focused or to be married and loose your vision and zest for life?

Not long after, the young girl came back to me, having been married for three years, and this time the story changed. "I am too young for what I am going through, I don't want to die young...". She begins, "...this is not good for me and if nothing is done I might loose my mind...or even my life" Erm...! Is it just me or is this confusing? lol! Can you be too old and too young at the same time? OK! I see. It was pressure. People made her think she was getting old and needed to marry. She couldn't face it and tell people she was not ready for the challenge of marriage. She didn't know that marriage is a whole new school of higher learning and that you have to be trained and fully prepared before you go into it and even at that, no one can assure you of happiness in a marriage because it is a complex institution that only God can show you how to make it through.

Consider this: A wise man/woman is profitable to himself (Cf. Job 22:2). The best thing you can do is to be useful to yourself and for yourself. Don't live your life trying to please people because when all is said and done, you alone will take the blame for your failure. But the 'sweet' side is that everybody will claim a part of your success story. So why not take your time, enjoy the various stages of your life. Maximize every moment, learn from every experience; take one day at a time, work smart, dance, smell the roses, sing, laugh, relax, pray, touch lives, make the most of life and enjoy 'you'. You are never too old to be happy and you can't be too young to be profitable. This is the one life you have, use it well.

Come to think of it, I am getting old you know. *wink*