Living in BondRage – A sequel to Paradox of Rotten Eggs

Intro

There is massive rise in domestic violence and now it has reached a disquieting proportion. A child was tied hands and feet to a pole and tortured for several weeks just because he stole his father’s money. No it was not a lot of money, it was about 20 dollars. Another young girl had very spicy pepper smeared on her genitals because she was seen standing along the streets talking to a boy. It was not as if they were seen doing any obscene thing(s), her offense was that she spent time with a boy and her punishment was to grease her privates with spicy red hot pepper! A mother cut over twenty-five holes on her son’s body as a penalty for lying. A woman who had suspected that her husband was cheating on her tried to get a confession from him and when he denied she beat him to pulp and decapitated his penis. A young preacher was rushing out to church one Sunday morning and his wife asked for some money. He said he didn’t have any money but his offering at that moment and would attend to her when he gets back from church. She couldn’t wait. In the “heat of the moment” she poured a hot pot of freshly cooked red soup on him and kicked him out of the house. He did not sustain much burn, but I think he lost his left eye. A woman I know was beaten by her husband until she passed out. He left her motionless body in the house and went to the pub to drink, when he came back late that night…you would not believe what had happened; she had cleaned the whole house, had a bath, prepared dinner and left a portion for him on the dinning table. When he came back she went to meet him at the door, knelt down and asked for his forgiveness. What happened next? Continue to read till the end.

Domestic violence happens every day and it affects children, men and women.

OutRAGEous  

At the root of every violent act is a bad temper. Where ever you find violence, you can trace it to a bad temper. I do not understand how some people allow themselves to be influenced by what someone called “the spirit of rage”. I know that people have a way of getting on your nerves, but some of us have learnt how not to allow anybody or anything unsettle us to the point of breaking out with violence. Not because we are super-humans but because we have learnt how to control our temper. I looked up the synonym for the word control:

·       Manage

·       Be in charge of

·       Have power over

·       Be in command of.

Everybody has a temper but some have learnt to manage it well. When you lose your temper you are completely out of control which means you are not in charge. It means that something else has taken over your spirit, mind and body. Letting your temper rule, means you are under the influence of a strange power. That is why, in many cases, people do not come to themselves until they have done harm. Have you heard about people who “woke up” after they had stabbed someone several times? Did you read about the woman who stabbed her suckling baby 90 times because he bit her while she was breastfeeding him? Read about it here: http://newsone.com/2631948/xiao-bao/ . What would you call that? Some would say a demon spirit came upon her or she was depressed or maybe she has a mental problem. Maybe it is all of the above. She lost it. She lost her mind. She lost control. It is absolutely despicable.

It may not be the same proportion of violence, but I believe that the same rage is what makes a mother hit her child on the face. Same spirit makes a man hit a woman. It is same loss of control that makes a woman attack her man. I do not mean to say that children should not be disciplined when they do wrong or that men should not correct their wives when they ere; I mean to say that whatever you do in anger can hardly ever be decent. Almost everything done in anger result in hurt and regrets. So maybe there is a more excellent way to discipline without abusing.

Discipline VS Abuse

I see many people abuse their children and when you ask they say it is discipline. But discipline does not seek to inflict pain. How can you hit a child with your bare hand and say it is discipline? I am a very firm or sometimes very hard leader, but I never at any point hit anyone with my hands. Do you know why? It is because when someone misbehaves and needs to be disciplined I take my time, go get the cane which acts as the rod of correction; then I start by explaining why I need to whip the fellow and how many strokes is good enough for the offense. Sometimes I explain the right place to “plant” the whip. If I was angry, I would have calmed down between the time I go fetch the cane and when I finish the explanation. Not once did I flog anyone in anger, I usually smile. But many people get angry and hit the person right there and then using their bare hands. That is violence. That is abuse.

NB: In the past I whipped children and young people before I learnt a better way. If you use the right strategy, you do not need to lash anyone.

Discipline is done in love and love is never violent. Discipline seeks to correct and if you use the right approach you may not even need to raise your voice. Discipline is intended to help people improve and if it is not done nicely it is misunderstood. But how do you describe a punch on the chest? What do you call a slap on the face? What do you intend to achieve when you kick a woman in the belly or stomp on a man’s “wuhu”? Do you consider that discipline? No! Those are outward expressions of inward rage.

Dilemma of a housewife

As a young leader from a moderately traditional spiritual background, I didn’t know how to counsel victims of abuse. Not that I didn’t know how to encourage the family to embrace dialogue or seek counsel; I did all that. I prayed for/with them, did what I could to keep the family together but somehow I still couldn’t give a clear cut counsel. I couldn’t see a reason why any couple should separate until a friend of mine almost got killed. Her story is so heart rending that as I write I feel shivers all over me. I wonder why anyone would be that mean to someone he claims to love or loved at some point in his life.

They met in the university and were both involved in their school fellowship. I guess their interactions in the things of God got them closer and he proposed marriage to her. During their courtship she saw a few signs that gave her clues of his character issues and violent temper, but she probably didn’t think it was that serious. A few years later, she got married to the love of her life and that was how her life took a “Wrong Turn at Tahoe”  

The man she married turned out to be what I’ll describe as an aggressive and heartless bully who cheats on her with anything in skirt. Maybe it would have been nicer to say he cheats with anyone that comes his way, but I realize that his cheating instincts and choices are so poor that when you see who, indeed what he cheats with, in comparison with his wife, you can’t but wonder how contemptible he must be. To add to his cheating antics he violates the woman with abandon. Several times he beats her up and while she is busy nursing her wounds he goes further to rape her. I never believed that a married woman could be raped by her husband, but can someone tell me, how can you explain this? If a woman is beaten, battered and bruised and yet the same person goes on to have sex with her, what would you call that?

This is not just a story from a movie or some tale told by a wounded woman, they are true and certifiable encounters. Relatives, church members and their family doctor can substantiate that the woman was terribly abused. In one case he beat her till she had a miscarriage. And he didn’t bother to take her to the hospital. On another occasion he kept hitting the woman until a relative in the house intervened and knocked him out to save the day. Observers were wondering why a man who could not provide for his family (for whatever reason) is this iniquitous. The troubling part of this saga is that this cheating bully of a husband was also a pastor. His immoral behavior got him expelled from the church and as the manner of many proud men is, he egoistically started his own business (he calls it a church). Even at that, his wicked and atrocious behavior towards his wife did not change. It went from bad to worse. He kept abusing and cheating on her. The abuse was all inclusive, spanning across verbal, emotional and physical boundaries and even included frequent threats to kill her.

Is it worth it?

This woman remained in that marriage for many years and each time she asked for help people told her “trust God”.  She prayed, fasted and spoke to his friends to help him with his temper, but nothing changed. The police couldn’t do anything, they were probably his friends. The church could not help, they could only pray. Pastors disassociated themselves from the matter and only encouraged her to keep holding on. And she lived with that for many years until she couldn’t take it anymore. I’m not too sure we need to know how it ended.

So what makes people stay in a relationship that threatens to take their life?

1)   Love: Some say their love is so strong that no affliction can separate them

2)   Fear of  a) being alone b) being hurt by the abuser c) fear of  people’s opinion d) fear of rejection

3)   Religious belief

4)   Cultural belief

I am not very sure why people choose to stay in abusive relationships. The above list is not exhaustive and not necessarily connected to cases mentioned here. They are some of the reasons why some people remain in a bad relationship/marriage.  I do not want to delve into matters of faith and personal conviction; let everyone hold on to what they believe. But if you are involved in an abusive relationship you should ask yourself these questions:  I) is the relationship worth fighting for? II) Is your life in danger? 

After many years of standing between the lines and not taking any clear cut stand, I have seen people maimed and even some killed.  Now I have taken a stand and here is my suggestion:

1)   If you are experiencing abuse, seek counsel immediately

2)   If you have gone for series of counseling and the abuse continues, move to a safe place as dialogue and negotiations continue

3)    If all attempts to keep you safe from violence fail, stay away from your tormentor, you may not live to tell your story.

4)   If you need help before or after you leave an abusive relationship, there are several organizations out there to assist you through the process. If you are not sure of what organization to contact, send an email to ysaintlag@yahoo.com or Jaspergogo@gmail.com with your name and location and we will arrange help for you.

Do you remember the story of the abused woman in the first paragraph of this article? You are not going to believe what happened the next morning.