The Beauty and The Beast

The Hilarious

Life is not always a smooth sail. We all have ups and downs. Sometimes the hard times overwhelm some people and they cry and some worry; others carry the load for as long as they can before they break down. But in the last few years I have learnt to take a break from stress and look for fun things to help relax my mind and get refreshed. Over the weekend, thinking about my childhood, I remembered a lot of things I have not had time to laugh about. For instance, as a kid we used to sing some songs which we considered “worship songs”. When I grew up I realized how ignorant we were. I wouldn’t have shared the song, but I know some of my readers would skin me if I don’t. So here it goes:

 “Amebo ele mu, Amebo ele mu, Igo meji meji, igo meji meji lo ngbe Amebo ele mu”.

Most of us in that kids worship crew didn’t know what it meant and as a matter of fact, we sang the song with interjections of “halleluiah”, “Jesus” and “amen” in between making it feel holy and acceptable to God. I was so tickled and laughed exuberantly when I learnt the meaning. “Amebo” is the name of a gossip who sells local beer in the neighborhood pub. In a popular soap that aired on the Nigerian national TV in the 80s, village men gathered at her bar every evening after work to take some shots of her local brew. When they get drunk, they sing this song to celebrate their home grown star, Amebo. Here is the meaning:

 “Amebo the beer seller, Amebo the beer seller, two bottles, she serves two bottles each, Amebo the beer seller”.

For one second can you imagine four children within the age group 7-9 singing that song, in tears, hands raised and eyes closed as we sang to the Lord a song of worship?

You might agree with me that as children we did some stupid stuff. There is no doubt we were sincere when we sang that song, but did our sincerity make it right? Would God say “they are sincerely ignorant kids so let me accept their worship”? Maybe not! We were probably blessed that He overlooked our ignorance. We were ignorant, but it didn’t make it right.

The beastly

Lately we have been considering the issue of domestic abuse and its devastating effects on people’s lives. The feedback I received from my last two articles opened my eyes and informed me that several people are really hurting from this ravaging plague and a lot others need urgent help. I’m not too sure of which story to share and which not to, but it has reached a sickening proportion that silence on this matter would be considered worse than wickedness. Someone sent me a photo to show what her boy friend did to her. It was a sad sight to behold. Another young man sent me an email asking for help from a woman who has made him her sex slave. He works for her and his job is to have sex with her three times a day and when he does not meet the target he is not paid. As if that is not enough, the woman performs some very weird and beastly acts on him during intercourse and when he complains about the injury inflicted upon him, he gets beaten. He had tried to escape many times but this woman is influential in their community and so far his prison breaks has always been futile. A couple other women wrote in to tell me stories about how they have been mistreated in their homes by their husbands/lovers and some sent pictures to show the extent of damage done to them. 

A lady who just had a baby two weeks ago by caesarean section got a serious beating from her “husband” who also threatened to kill her. She said it was not the first time he hit her but that this time it was worse and now she is afraid that he might actually carry out his threat. Afraid for her life, she consulted a few friends and leaders, sadly they encouraged her to bear it and have faith in God that the man would change.

Contending with a sick culture

Most of the people who contacted me for help claim that they have tried to get help from friends, family and even their places of worship and no one seem to come up with any reasonable solution due to some strange cultural practices. Now, what culture encourages abuse!? Is it culture or are people afraid of something else?  I understand that for some reason, separation and divorce is not an acceptable practice in many places, but I don’t understand why people would not think of a reasonable solution when someone’s life is in danger. Someone may ask “what’s the proof of danger?” If someone shows up with a black eye, what more proof do we need? In any case even without any proof, if someone says he/she is afraid of sleeping at night because they are afraid of being hurt, should he/she not be taken serious? If anyone says they are abused can we look into the matter rather than confess faith or pray? Is fear of a spouse not enough indication of domestic abuse?

Why do we tell someone who has been hurt by a partner to hold on and keep faith when we can do more? Why are we subjecting people to bondage just because we want to keep a good name?  Is there not a better way to keep the abused safe while trying to foster peace? It beats me how some people hide their ignorance behind culture but if your culture is causing harm to people, then away with such culture. Life is more precious than any culture or belief. We cannot hold on to culture while our sons and daughters are bruised, battered and killed. There has to be a change. We can no longer continue to live in denial; there are abused people around us everyday and they need urgent help. It is time for us to break free from primitive cultures and reach out and help the needy. The only culture that makes sense right now is the one that upholds the sanctity of human life. So let’s all look around us and find a way to help hurting people in our neighborhoods. Luckily, domestic abuse is one thing that does not hide; it is easy to identify:

·       When you ask someone about their spouse and  they tell you “it is well” then something is not right

·       When a woman breaks into tears during a conversation related to her relationship, it is a sign

·       If he/she fears their spouse, there may be abuse

·       If he/she gets intimidated by their spouse in public, you know that’s not a good sign

·       Most abusive people have a bad temper so most people married to bad tempered men/women are abused. Look for other signs

·       If someone often shows up with strange injuries, it could be a sign of abuse

·       Overly possessive people in many cases are also abusive, so if you have a friend/colleague/family member whose partner is extremely possessive, he/she might be abused

·       If someone is abruptly Ostracized from the public, check, there might be abuse

·       A sudden change in temperament is a sign of abuse

·       If someone clearly says they have been beaten, even if it is once, that’s abuse. It could get worse, offer to help

Message to the rookies

Maybe it is almost late to save some bad marriages, but there is a lot we can do to help those who are still single. If you are single, here are a few tips to help you choose a good partner:

·       Make sure your purpose compliments his/her purpose

·       Whatever you do, please marry because you are in love and not due to pressure

·       Get counsel from experienced people before you choose a spouse (ladies, ask your father/male leader/male mentor to give you an honest assessment of the man you intend to marry. Guys ask your mum/female leader/female mentor to give you an honest assessment of the woman you intend to marry)

·       Ladies, never marry a man who cannot lead you

·       Look for signs of violence. If he/she has a bad temper, in your best interest don’t go any further

·       If your self esteem drops during the relationship, you might be in the wrong relationship

·       Never marry anyone who does not respect you

·       If he/she ever hits you (at most once), end it immediately

·       Whoever yells at you, especially in public, will do much more when you get married.

·       If he/she is always suspicious of your every move, it is a sign of more serious problems ahead

·       If your date mostly ends up in a fight, advice yourself. You may be in the wrong relationship

·       If you have more sad than happy days, it’s a bad sign

·       If you are not good friends, you cannot make a good couple.

Tragic end to a miserable marriage

Several abusive marriages have ended in the death of the abused partner. If only families, friends and the communities in which they lived had intervened, the story would have ended differently. A woman I know was beaten by her husband until she passed out. He left her motionless body in the house and went to the pub to drink, when he came back late that night she had cleaned the whole house, had a bath, prepared dinner and left a portion for him on the dinning table. When he came back she went to meet him at the door, knelt down and asked for his forgiveness. This was not the first time she had been beaten by the wild man. A few weeks after their wedding, she showed up in church wearing sun shades. Her pastor had described her as an angel who loved God, loved every one and would not attempt anything that was unholy; to see her with sun shades on a rainy day was suspicious. But she told the pastor she had an accident in her house.

When her husband saw how close she was to the leaders and members of their local church, he moved the family to an isolated town which meant she had to look for another church and make new friends. She left her job, family and friends and started a new isolated life with her husband. The night in question, after she had prepared dinner and apologized to him, they made up and as usual he asked for sex and she did not resist.

Early in the morning the man woke up and rushed to get ready for work. Something didn’t look normal. Usually his wife would have been up and getting breakfast ready for him. But this time she was still asleep. When asked what happened that morning, the husband said “after calling out to her a couple of times without response, I went to the room to wake her up and I found her dead”.

The police said she died of a “natural cause”, but her close friend said she sent a text the night before saying “good night girl, see you when I see you”. Her friend, the recipient of that text, said she was a beautiful woman who married a beast. She had told her of all the times she was beaten, how she had told the police of her problem without help, how her family told her they had no room for her if she left her marriage and even how the church told her they did not believe in divorce. Her good friend believes she must have chosen to exit her marriage by poisoning herself, a view her husband denies claming they were happy even though they had one or two misunderstandings.

Take a stand

We may never know the whole truth about what happened to that beautiful lady and who or what killed her, but many people will not go blameless on account of her death. Her family may be hurting but could they have done something to save her life? How about her friend who knew the story, could she have raised alarm? Her church may claim ignorance of her condition or of what they could have done to help, but does it make their action acceptable?

We can all do something to make sure we never loose anyone else to domestic abuse. Take a stand. Make a positive move to help someone who has been abused. We can make a difference. We can cause a change. Help save a life. #StoptheAbuse