You Can Be Phenomenal

Intro

I know everyone has a right to his/her opinion or perspective, but I have a feeling that I’m not the only one who has observed the unprecedented transformation our world has gone (and is still going) through. Things have changed so much that even the blind can see a whole new World. The advent of bigger and faster air planes, development of advanced communication systems, proliferation of social networking and a new generation of smart phones; these and more tell us that we cannot maintain the status quo ante. The world is moving forward and my dear ladies, you cannot afford to be left behind.

My new book “Winning Ways for Wise Women” was written to motivate every lady to rise and take her place in the forefront. Every woman can be productive and exceptional. Every woman can be phenomenal.

Here is a short extract from the book:

You are too smart to be ordinary

The ideology of what we call “Woman” has changed significantly in the 21^st century. There is a paradigm shift and the world has evolved and grown beyond the old-fashioned pattern of life. It has its good and bad sides, but on a balance of probabilities one should say there are advantages that we should consider great gain. In those archaic days women thought themselves to be home keepers only and a woman who is able to take care of the home front is considered to have achieved something enormous. Some may say the old mentality was imposed on women by some chauvinistic people and system; well, let us not argue that but celebrate the accomplishments so far.

These days, the woman’s place is not just in the home- the kitchen or bedroom, it is much more. Women now play a vast array of roles in board rooms, politics, schools, hospitals, mission field, ministries and many other areas. A woman can be a wife and still be a student, work to support her family, lead a local church, run a business, be a mother to her children and still be effective in her marital responsibilities to her husband (if you know what I mean). Any woman, who must succeed in this fast paced age, must find a way to balance between all these without complaining or getting agitated about being overworked. As a matter of fact, in recent times there are few women who are not involved in at least four of the above. It is not an easy feat, but what exactly is easy these days!?

Stand out

Since things have changed, it therefore becomes critical for you as a woman to change with the times; not to the negative but to become progressive and take your place at the centre stage. This requires a change of mentality. No one puts new wine in an old wine skin; so also, no one can survive and achieve anything meaningful in this new age with an old-school mentality. This is not a call to conform to worldly standards, but a challenge to rise beyond traditional values and do what you have to do to leave your footprint in the sands of time. But you cannot do this without a renewed attitude and deliberate effort to rise and act; “You can’t leave footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sand of time?” -Anonymous. You must aggressively challenge yourself to be a multi-dimensional woman, whose lifestyle redefines acceptable standard for the women folks.

Order your copy now. Click here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/9789358822

Questions and comments are welcome.

When the water runs dry

Curled from "Committed To Purpose"

When I was a little boy, I liked to eat more than was required. Because of my gluttony, I had this ‘handsome’ looking potbelly. You could spot me amongst other children with my potbelly. I would eat myself to stupor such that it became an issue. Apart from that, there was something unusual about my eating habit; when I ate, I wanted the food to last forever. However, it was never that way, so every meal ended with a loud cry for more food. In as much as I wished the food would never finish, it had to finish. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Every phase in life has a beginning and an end. Good experience or bad experience, as long as it has a beginning you should expect the end because it must come.

Consider the experience of Elijah the prophet who called down fire from heaven without long nights of prayer, fasting or vigils. I mean Elijah who declared to Ahab “…there shall not be dew nor rain these years but according to my word” (1kings 17:1 KJV). His experience in the book of 1kings chapter 17 forms the content of this chapter.

Elijah was a no nonsense prophet and he was bold enough to prove this to anyone who came his way.  In an attempt to get Ahab – one of the most unjust kings that ever ruled Israel (cf. 1kings21:25) – to turn back to God, he declared that it would not rain in the land for years.  God had to back Elijah up, because he was God’s man and he must not suffer with an unjust king and a godless generation.

“Go Eastward Elijah” God said “and hide beside the brook called Cherith just before Jordan. You will drink from the brook Cherith and I have instructed some ravens to feed you there” (my paraphrase)

Quickly Elijah packed his luggage and off he went to the brook side.  It was fun for Elijah to have more than enough, when everyone in town was starving. Ravens brought him food morning and evening, and Elijah had the pleasure of drinking from his private stream. I consider it a miracle for those predatory, stingy birds that do not eat healthy food to feed Elijah. Moreover, where were they supposed to find the bread they served Elijah? However, this is God’s doing, He can use anyone and anything, anytime He chooses.  God made wonderful provision for Elijah and I can imagine the excitement in his heart as the days went by. The joy of success, the encouragement you get when things are working right, the applause you receive when you do the right thing, the peace you have within when things work as planned; these and more were the experience of Elijah the Tishbite.

Not too long, something happened. Only God knows how long it took to happen but the author puts it very simple “And it came to pass after a while …?” Good times should not end because such times bring you joy like a river, unbelievable comfort and incomparable peace, the fun should continue but “…after a while, the brook dried up” What a tragedy!  Why should bad things happen to good people? Is there something wrong with a righteous man having endless pleasure? Was it God that did this or was it Satan the devil? How do we explain to the world that our God lifted us up and afterwards let us down? Is it not disgraceful for someone to have tasted palace life and then crash back to the slum? Can you imagine the pain Elijah felt when the brook dried up and the ravens stopped delivering fresh meat and bread?

Have you ever been there? I mean have you ever tasted glory or affluence and suddenly you are down. You used to be wealthy, but now you cannot even find money to eat breakfast. You used to have ideas without thinking much, but now ideas are as scarce as diamonds. There was a time when you were the “special one”, but right now, no one even remembers your name. It happens all the time “after a while the brook dried up because there had been no rain in the land”.

No, it is not disastrous that your source dried up, it is not bad news. It is not that God broke your heart or that the devil showed up. It only means that the “brook” is not a place of permanence. God did not make it a place of retirement. Nevertheless, many times you see people who retire and build an empire around their “brook”. It is juvenile to expect your “brook” to be perpetual. No source will remain forever. Only God is our eternal source and He alone can determine what, who and where He uses to provide for us. When a source opens up, maximize it, but do not build the whole of your life around it. It is dangerous to believe that a particular  source will never end.

The “brook” experience is an opening, there are yet more sources to open up and there is a higher level yet ahead. If the Lord brought you to the “brook”, then you can be sure that there is something bigger and better in store for you, so instead of blaming God, the devil, your family, friends or neighbours, why don’t you look up for marching orders! Do not blame yourself, do not blame your enemies, and do not blame your family, friends, leaders or your country’s economy. Rather than play the blame game “…stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near” (Luke 21:28 NIV). Just like David declared “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help.  My help cometh from the Lord…” (Psalm 121:1-2 KJV), when things fall apart and you cannot understand them, it is time to look up.

Your help does not come from anywhere else, not even the “brook”; it comes from the Lord. Take your eyes away from the dead situation, forget the source that is closed up, the Lord says, “look unto me, and be ye saved” (Isaiah 45:22 KJV). You are not finished yet, God is not through with you yet, look up to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith (cf. Hebrews 12:2). Look up and live! The more you look at the “dried brook”, the more depressed, disgruntled and disillusioned you get. Look up, for your lifting is near. Each time a door shuts, God is saying that your lifting is near. Yes, He is your glory and the lifter up of your head (cf. Psalm 3:3).

Elijah did not have to cry to attract the ‘pity crew’, he did not curse God or blame the devil for his predicament, he did not even loose one night sleep; he looked up and the Lord looked down on him and said “Arise …” . When you see the word “arise” in the bible, pay close attention to it, the addressee is either in a comfort zone or in a state of despair. It is possible to stay in your comfort zone and forget that there are greater heights to attain. The “brook” most times, keeps people so comfortable that they do not want to move forward. That is the reason why the enemy of your best is the good that you have. As I take a deeper look into the situation at hand, it seems to me that Elijah had settled by the brook Cherith. By ‘settled’, I mean  ‘pitching a tent’. It looks like he made the brook a place of permanent abode, so God said to him “arise, this is not the end, get up, the journey continues”.

In case your “brook” has not dried up yet and you have pitched your tent by the brook, God is saying you should rise up and move higher. The best is yet ahead. The glory of tomorrow is greater than that of yesterday and today. It does not matter how sweet, exciting and productive this level is; there is something and somewhere much better than where you are, therefore rise and move up. The more you remain at this level, the more you lose sight of greatness.  A Latin proverb says “qui non proficit, deficit”, meaning to say, “He who does not progress, regresses”. If things are going well right now, still keep moving, do not stop or else it will amount to regression. 

To those of you, who right now are in a state of despair, I mean those who are down in frustration, God also says “arise”. You do not have to settle for defeat. You do not have to live forever with a “dried brook”. Get up, awake from your misery and look ahead, for something better is in the offing. The children of Israel got to that point where they laid down in the dust. They stayed so long in the dust that they became complacent. God had to wake and shake them up “Awake, awake, put on thy strength O Zion; put on thy beautiful garments … shake thyself from the dust…” (Isaiah 52:1-2 KJV).

Wake up and go forward, says the Lord. The experiences of your past and present, all work together for your good (cf. Romans 8:28). The good and the beautiful, the bad and the terrible, the ugly and the frightening – all things work together for your good.

What’s love got to do with it?

The saying “it is better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage” has become very popular among many folks who quote it to encourage themselves after a broken relationship. But is it a wise saying? Does everyone have to go through a broken engagement before they find the right person? Should negotiations about the relationship/marriage start before or when the parties have agreed to marry? Should anything be strong enough to be a deal breaker when there is love? Should anyone be negotiating from a disadvantaged position? Is anyone really disadvantaged? These questions point to the topic we intend to discuss this week.

In my opinion, the right time to negotiate and talk about what you can and cannot accept in a relationship is before the two parties agree to marry. The first time you feel you like her/him, is the best time to start asking questions about their likes/dislikes, dreams/visions/, faith/belief, attraction and other basic issues. When you get closer and believe that two of you have even the slimmest chance of getting married, you may want to go deeper and talk about more serious topics like finances, sex, family and future expectations. Not talking about these issues early can be dangerous because when you get very close and your hearts have begun to get fond of each other, it may be difficult to break off. Trying to detach from a relationship after you have become emotionally involved with someone can be very painful. Some may want to say it is better to break a relationship when you realize that you two have more disagreements than agreements, more misunderstanding than understanding, but maybe it is much better to not even agree to marry, than to start and then break it halfway thereby hurting yourselves. Before the two of you bond, before you become very attached, before you get to the point where you spend close to half or most of your time thinking about and missing him/her, make sure you know the basic things about them to determine if he/she meets your expectation of a spouse.

Overrated self

Sometimes when I listen to some single people say the things they expect from their prospective spouse, I smile and wonder why some people have bogus expectations.

·        A lady is five (5) feet tall, wears a size sixteen (16), can barely lift herself off the bed to workout and has a “vision” that she will marry a six feet tall well built handsome man who works out daily. Are you being fair on the man?

·         A man has a three (3) feet long pot belly, can barely express himself in his lingua franca, couldn’t finish high school and is still struggling to make ends meet, yet he insists that he must marry a slim (size 6) Master degree holder who works with a transcontinental company and owns a thriving business. If the table was turned and you were the better person, would you think it is a fair deal if you got one like that?

Even the holy book says no one should see himself more highly than he/she is. It is not only spurious to have such imbalanced expectations; I think it is also stupid. It is not feasible to expect someone to give you what you cannot give. Before you set a standard, it is wise to look at yourself, consider your peculiar condition and then determine what is good for you. Evaluate yourself honestly and demand for what you deserve. This does not mean you should not have a big vision. It only means your vision should not be something that will take divine intervention to achieve. You should also be what you expect from the other party, after all the vision is yours why not be “it” too.

When love is not enough

I have always believed that when there is love, marital happiness is guaranteed. I didn’t think there was anything love could not handle. Maybe, it not wrong, but I think it should be rephrased to “all things being equal, when there is love, happiness is guaranteed”. This is so because I realized that you can love someone but for certain reasons you may not be able to have marital bliss with them. Take for instance, two young fellows were in love with each other, but they later realized that they are cousins and could not marry. What do they do? Or, like someone asked on this blog, how can a man have marital bliss with a woman who says she does not enjoy what is given to couples for pleasure? If she does not find pleasure in sex, should she probably marry the other man who is desperate to marry but is impotent? If love is all that matters, should a sexually active lady stay with a lover who is impotent?

How about some people who are in love but found out that they cannot have children as a couple due to certain conditions like Rhesus factor? This does not mean that the man or woman is infertile, but that the woman’s womb cannot carry the pregnancy of certain men and this man happens to be one of such. Yes they are probably incompatible for marriage, but there are many people in such condition who are truly in love; what should they do? Is love enough to hold them together even though they may never have children together? Should they break-up and look for someone more compatible? Is there a time when love is not good enough?

Deal or no deal?

I asked fifty (50) men and fifty (50) women between ages 25-50 to name one major thing they consider a deal breaker. I wanted to know that one thing they cannot take and that will end their relationship. Thirty two (32) women and nineteen (19) men responded. Reading through their responses, I thought that some of them, like not liking to kiss, sports club they support and fashion sense, are a bit too trivial to break a relationship. Race, tribe, social status, denomination, and a couple others I consider not that critical an issue to break a relationship. Interestingly, seven (7) out of the fifty-one (51) responses I received said nothing was strong/bad enough to make them break a relationship with someone they love. Many men and women mentioned the same things and I have categorized them into the following:

1)     Incompatibility in major areas

2)     Unfaithfulness

3)     Fat and out of shape

4)     Habitual liar

5)     Physical and verbal abuse

6)     Too skinny

7)     Trust issues

8)     Unwillingness to improve

9)     Illiteracy

10)  Drug use/Smoking

11)  Insecurity

12)  Dishonesty

13)  Indiscipline

14)  Over 10 inches shorter or taller

15)  Not of the same faith

16)  Cheating with same sex

17)  Dirtiness

18)  Much older or much younger

19)  Impotence/frigidity

20)  Violence

21)  Lack of self control

22)  Bestiality

23) Laziness

Is there something you think should be on this list? Is there any of the above you think should not be there?

One person’s deal breaker may not be the other person’s deal breaker. For instance, I use to think that unfaithfulness was a no, no for most people until a young lady said she had gone back to the man who cheated on her with her close friend while they were still courting. I thought that no one should stay in an abusive relationship, until a young lady sent me a message that she had married the man who beat her several times. I never thought any one could marry someone who cheated on them with an animal until someone said “love is stronger than death, maybe there is a reason why they did it”. It is a matter of belief and perspective. Maybe, love is all that matters, or is it? What do you think? Let me know your thoughts.

Don’t marry this woman!

A couple of men sent me messages asking for tips on how to choose the right woman, especially after the article “would you play Russian roulette with your heart?” So, here we go!

Before you say “I do”

Before we start, let us first understand the purpose of marriage. I know we live in a twisted world where things are all muddled up, but everything has a purpose and its right timing. Marriage is a good thing and whoever finds a wife, happy is he. Every woman may have potential to be a good wife but only one woman is built with all you need to be happy. Therefore every man has to take time to understand the purpose of marriage, the right time for marriage and the right person to marry. You may be a joyful, young and flourishing man right now, if you marry the wrong woman, your sorrows just began. Let us ask a few questions and seek for answers:

Q: Why does a man need a wife?

A: For:

1) Companionship- At some point in life a man would need to have a companion with whom he can share his joys, pains and challenges. When he feels a void inside and when “hanging with the boys” no longer gives him the satisfaction and happiness he needs, that is when a man needs a wife.

2) Help/support- As a boy, he probably was busy doing what boys do-play around, show-off to girls, go back home to mama, eat and sleep. But when he becomes a man, his brain swings into action, thinking of how to make an income. Some men go for further training, others look for a job and yet others start a business. Many get so busy working to meet up and take care of their responsibility that they get overworked (emotionally, physically and psychologically); that’s why they need a wife to support them in every area. Note: If you are still a boy who is not working to take care of business, then you don’t need any help.

3) Procreation- One of the reasons for marriage is to raise children. Although nowadays, many people choose to have children before marriage, in the beginning it was not so. No man should think of making babies until he is ready to shoulder the responsibility of feeding, clothing and training them. In those days, part of parental responsibility was saving up money to give children the best education, these days people make babies without adequate preparation. Having children is a good thing, but no man should make babies when he is not ready to provide for them. If you can’t foot the bill, zip-up until you are ready. Read more here: http://coach-jasper.blogspot.com/2013/10/stand-and-be-responsible.html

4) Balance- I wonder what it would look like if the world was full of men only. Unimaginable! If the world was full of only women, erm…maybe we would have lots of sweet smelling flowers everywhere, cute bow shaped ribbons all over the streets, huge mirrors on phones, cars, trains, aircrafts, and in most public places so ladies can adjust themselves very often. The whole world would probably be decorated with so many pretty things; but it would be beauty and sweetness of a boring proportion. Men are the opposite of women so we probably expect the exact opposite if the world was all men. What men are not is what women are. For example, a man’s body is strong and muscular but a woman is built soft and tender. This is not bad but all good. It is the reason why men need women and women need men- for balance. A man’s mindset/lifestyle may be one-sided but when he marries, she is expected to help him find a balance.

Q: When is a man ready for marriage?

A:

•             When he knows his purpose. If he does not know why he is here, he definitely is not ready to marry. The first challenge before every man (indeed everyone), is to know why you are here. Many young men are still struggling to figure out what they are here for. It is not wise to start a relationship while you are yet to understand what it is you are here to do. When you understand why you are here, then we can say you are half ready for life.

•             When he is matured. Marriage is not for boys but for men. It is for those who are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. And please do not ask me what age is the right age. It is not about the number; when you meet a matured man, you don’t need anyone to tell you how matured he is. A matured man is emotionally stable, mentally strong, has a clear vision of where he is heading, and of course, physically developed.

•             When he has work. Marriage is for men who are busy with work and need help to do what they do. It is unfortunate that these days many boys go into marriage because they think they have to, even when they are not ready. An idle man needs work and not a wife. A working man needs a wife. “Work” does not necessarily mean a regular office job. It could be a project you are working on. Art, design, farming, fishing, photography, writing, mission, computer, fashion, ministry, weaving, import/export, real-estate, acting, carpentry, music, research…it could be a small venture you are working on, you just got to have work. When your work grows beyond what you alone can handle, you probably need a wife to come in and help you; not only to help you work better, but to help you in every area. Women are built to help and support, and where you don’t have anything that needs support, you don’t need her.

•             When he is ready to lead his family. No man should think of marriage if he is not ready to be a leader. In marriage, a man exercises his leadership prowess which he has developed over time. This is not to say he has to know everything about leadership or be a very strong leader, but he has to know the basic principles and methods of leadership. I believe that as part of preparation for marriage, every man should be taught leadership. God has put the responsibility of leading the family on the man. Before marriage comes preparation and part of the preparation is developing leadership skills.

•             When he is strong enough. Marriage is not for the weak. It is for the strong. Just like in other aspects of life, a married man will face lots of challenges from work, family and friends. If you are not strong enough, you would probably crumble under the pressure and hurt the people who care about you. Many men have destroyed their marriages because they do not have enough strength to handle life. Others have abandoned their responsibility and ran away because their strength failed them. It takes courage to be a husband, until you have such courage; you are not ready for marriage.

Don’t try bending a dry wood

While some things can easily bend, others are tough to bend and many others would never bend. For instance, there is a limit to which you can bend a dry wood. Some would break as you try to bend them and others would bend a little bit before breaking. Same goes to women. There is a woman who will easily and willingly bend for you. When it comes to choosing a life partner, a man should not be thinking of a woman he can bend but one who bends to him  on her own accord.

Any woman who is not ready to bend and submit to you cannot be your wife. Contrary to popular belief, submission is not a difficult task for women. Every woman has somebody they naturally will submit to, if you are not that man, then she is not your woman. It is nothing to fight or fuss over. If you realize that she is not submissive to you, it is better to look for another rather than to go into marriage and realize that you are walking alone. If you do not find her submissive, then don’t expect her to develop it after you marry her. The morning tells the day. If she is not submissive to you, she may never be. It is frustrating to have a wife who does not submit to your leadership, so I advice you to make sure you find one who respects you enough to submit to you.

Believers or deceivers?

Never marry a woman who does not believe in you and your vision. Never! Understand that when a woman does not believe in you, she is against you and when the one who you love and trust is against you, you are treading on treacherous ground. The pain and frustration is inexplicable. When you start dating, one key thing you must do is to identify if your vision excites her. If it does not, please my friend, she is not the one. Do not forget that your wife is someone who complements you, if she does not believe in whom you are and what you do then how can she complement you? How can she help you? Someone may be wondering “can a woman be in love with a man and not believe in his vision?” Oh yes! Things happen these days. For some reason, some women do not see the importance of accepting some men’s vision. Some believe that they can love but not be committed to their husband’s vision. As a matter of fact, some women would marry one man but give their support to another man’s vision. I’m not sure what leads to this. I don’t really understand how, one can be in love with a man but not believe in his vision. Or maybe she believed in him and his vision but something changed after they got married.  Honestly, whatever it is, do not wait to become a victim of this to understand how and why it happens. Don’t be deceived, if she does not believe in your vision, she is not the one.

Partnership that works

I have always told men to choose a wife whose purpose is complementary to theirs. If, for instance, your purpose is to be “bread”, you would need to marry someone whose purpose complements yours. Maybe you should marry “butter”, or “milk” or probably “cheese”. Why would you want to marry “sand” or “stick” or “cotton wool”, when you are “bread”? How does that complement or enhance your purpose? Your wife should be someone who complements you. She should help you become a more useful “you” while you help her become more relevant. Your wife should be the woman who brings out the best in you.

To complement is not the same as to compete. Couples should never be in competition to outshine each other, rather, each should find ways to promote and push the other to the top and in doing so, both parties rise to greatness. But where they are rivals, none of them progresses because when one comes up with a creative idea to bring about growth, the other castigates and puts it down. So guys, in choosing the right woman for marriage, make sure she is one who balances and enhances what you are.

#Quotes: By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher-Socrates

Would you play Russian roulette with your heart?

One of the most common issues I deal with daily is about relationships. “Don’t you think I’m ready to be married?” “Who do I marry among all my suitors?” “How do I know if he is for real?” “When should I start dating?” “Are there warning signs I should look out for?” I thought to pen down some of my thoughts here so every one else can benefit.

A choice that could help or hurt you

I see the frustration expressed by many young single ladies when they get to a certain age range and don’t have the right man; but like I say, why allow worry harm your health now and damage your future!? It may take you a long time before you find the right person with whom you will be happy, but it is worth the wait. So many people do not like to hear anything else when they believe they are old enough, so they rather play Russian roulette with their hearts. Who plays such games with their heart!? Who gambles with such a sensitive and important life decision like marriage?

Of serious concern also, is the speed at which many people who claim they have been hurt, rush into another relationship/marriage. Recently I was talking with a young lady who told me how much her ex hurt her and how she had learnt her lesson. The way she sounded as she wailed and lamented about how miserable she was, weakened me and honestly, if I was not tough, maybe I would have cried with her. Two weeks later, while I was still feeling her pains, she said she wanted to tell me about some other “nice” guy she just met. I couldn’t say a word for almost thirty seconds. And she goes; “it is not like that, he is such a nice guy and he is very tender, loving and caring. If you meet him you will like him”. “But that was exactly what you said about the last one that hurt you” I said, “what makes you think he is better?” Is it just me or does anybody else out there think some people are in too much of a hurry to get into a relationship? Doesn’t nature teach us that healing takes time? Are you not aware that half-healed is as dangerous as not healed?

For those who are ready and need a little advice on how to make the right choice, here are a few tips

Friendship

I’m going to talk about friendship and love as if they are the same because I believe that a friend loves at all times and without friendship love cannot grow. I admit that developing friendship is a process; it might take a while but when you develop friendship you’ll be glad. As you develop friendship you get more understanding of each other. Your friend is someone you can laugh, play, pray, cry and share trivialities with. A friend is not perfect but because you two can talk about everything it makes it easier to flow and face challenges together. Your friend is not necessarily someone who condones your mediocrity; it is the one who makes you uncomfortable to live lower than you ought to. When you meet that friend, you will continue to improve, learn and grow. A friend never allows you stay stagnant

I have heard some ladies say “he is my very good friend and I cannot date or marry him” and I’m bewildered. Maybe that statement has another meaning but if it means that he is too close to be a husband, then you are making a mistake. I think friendship is the main fiber that holds a relationship together and if you find a friend in him/her, you should take it further. Never think of going into a lifetime venture like marriage with someone who you cannot share, laugh and play with. If you don’t have the bond of friendship, don’t make it permanent.

Compatibility

In my opinion, the reason why many relationships fail is because the two people involved are unequally yoked. Many people have a wrong idea of compatibility. Some think it means being the same. It is not. It might mean being in agreement about most things, but it does not mean being the same. Two hot-headed people may not make it because neither of them would want to calm down for the other. Two very slow people may have a very boring marriage because none of them has the “heat” to warm up the relationship. Compatibility means that even though you are different, you two are able to find a common ground and can operate harmoniously. It means that you two can agree and work together. Two of you should be able to perform tasks without arguing and fighting all the time. If you two can hardly agree on anything, there is a good chance that you will not make a good couple.

Passion

When someone is not passionate about life or what they do, it is not a good sign. We are passionate beings. It could be Sports, School, Church or Business; you got to be passionate about something. If he has passion, it should also show when he is in love. If he is not passionate about anything, then two things:

1) He might not have the drive to make income to care for his family

2) He probably would not be passionate even about his relationship.

That is not to say you should not settle with him, it is to let you know what to expect before you sign the dotted lines.

The law of thermodynamics states that “Energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another”

Passion is not like skill or trade. You can teach someone a trade but you cannot teach them passion. It cannot be created, you either have it or you do not. Someone can go to school to train as a teacher but no one can give him/her the passion to communicate to her students. Show me a passionate person and I show you someone whose spirit cannot be quenched. You do not need many words to motivate a passionate person; but nothing you say will get a slipshod person off their butt. Trying to motivate a non passionate person is like trying to wake up the dead. If you are that anointed, save it for something more important. As you search for the “chosen one”, make sure you look for someone with passion.

Never settle with an idle person

Whoever you want to settle with must not be idle. An idle mind, they say, is the devil’s workshop. He/she must have work and work is not necessarily an office job. If he is not doing anything then he/she is not ready for Marriage. This a key factor to consider my dear ladies. You have no business relating with idle boys. It is alright if he is a student, especially if you are not going to marry him while he is still in school. But let him be a student who is industrious and ambitious. You can know what someone is capable of doing in the future by what they do right now. Many students are very industrious. They find ways to make income; holiday jobs, businesses and etc. Most of such students go on to be very prosperous after school.

Do not let anyone fool you by telling all those “pipe dreams”; making you feel like they have great plans. If you do not see what they are doing right now, then you can be certain that they are up to no good. By what they do now, you know what they can do tomorrow.

There are so many more tips for singles. Let me have your ideas and let us discuss further. I have made it easier for everyone to comment, so send me your comments and questions. I’ll be ready to respond.

Stand and be responsible

If two is company…what’s five?

The other day I saw the news about a young lady who was sentenced to 20 years in prison for firing a warning shot into the air to halt her alleged abusive husband from attacking and hurting her. Her punishment surprised me and several other sympathizers, considering that just recently someone else shot and killed a young man and was acquitted of his crime. Is it a case of different strokes for different folks? Troubling times you say!? It was some kind of relief to hear that her conviction was eventually overturned; but I am still startled that the so called husband had five baby mamas. F.I.V.E (5) different women had children for this man and…what!? How does a man do that? How can a young man make babies with five different women? What makes him jump from one to the other until the fifth? If he treated them well would he need five of them to make all those babies? And how does a woman get entangled with such complex and tricky situation? What blinded her eyes and mind to think that if he didn’t treat other women nicely, he would be different with her? Is it wisdom, desperation or foolishness that makes a lady go into such? If two is company and three is a crowd, then what would five and six be?

Over the years, as I relate with and counsel people, I have come across several relationship-related situations that some would consider simple “open and close” case; but that it keeps happening again and again means it requires attention and someone needs to address them properly. I have heard and read a couple of people’s opinion about matters of irresponsibility, child care and support, but many approach it differently. So I chose to proffer my opinion here.

There are 3 groups of people I want to address:

1)     Those who have the guts to have sex but do not have the means to take responsibility

2)     Those who keep taking and never give back.

3)     Those whose kids are well supported but yet the women still act irresponsible.

Warning: If you are one of those people who do not like the truth and shy away from reality, please do not continue reading. The following will be an honest evaluation of things happening around. If you are a sincere person and find yourself erring, you should find some tips to help you do better.

Go further

I am a strong believer in people taking responsibility for their actions. For instance, I think it is irresponsible to blame your parents (or anyone for that matter) for your present predicament. It is juvenile to blame your husband, wife, lover, or an ex for your inability to take care of your children. It is also irresponsible for a man to ignore and not provide for his child/children for whatever reason. If you considered yourself old, bold and strong enough to have sex and produce children, is it not commonsensical to also take responsibility for the fruit of your sexual act? If you do not have the means to provide for your children, should you make babies? Why should you think of making babies when you know you cannot afford to provide for them? Why would someone say he has no job, or that he is so broke that he cannot take care of his child? It beats me! I do not understand how a man that is not crippled could say such a thing. If there is no job to do, what about doing a few businesses here and there? How about some services you can provide to friends and family that can earn you income? I think several men look for good excuses not to take responsibility. Don’t cover up your laziness and stupidity with excuses. Oh man, you are inexcusable.

Some men, however, do make attempt to support their children and I doff my cap for such men. Everyday as I drive through the streets, I see several young men working hard to market some products. DVDs, clothes, perfumes, wrist watches, books, and many other items; they do what they can to make money. While some people say they do not trust such boys, I do. I trust them. I believe in them. And yes, I do patronize them even though sometimes I do not really need the things I buy from them. Would you rather they go about armed with weapons, attacking and stealing from people? Probably not! I like the fact that they make goods and services readily available. First I thought all of them use the money they get for illicit drugs and etc, but I found out that many of them are out there hustling to take care of their families. Some people sit in their posh cars, with their aristocratic mind-set and judge them, but the boys are only taking steps to provide for those who look up to them.

I also see some others who wear designer shoes, fancy shirts and cool face caps; they love to drive fancy cars, play video games, eat 5 times a day and like cute girls with cash. When I ask them what they do for a living, they answer “I got no job; the government ain’t helping the people”. In many cases, some of these boys have children and many of them do not support their children. So I wonder: “how can you find the money for expensive things and not afford to support your children?” You eat daily, you change your cloths from time to time, you can afford a smart phone, you even have some money to buy cards and gifts for your girlfriend, or friends on their birthdays, but you do not have anything to support your children. Does that sound normal? Is that fair on your children? Did those children ask to be born? If you have a problem with their mother, does it mean you should punish the children?

C’mon guys, lets be real. We should not, for what ever reason, ignore our responsibilities. If you do not have all that is required to take care of your children, you should at least have something to support. Some women are nice enough to pay all the bills for the children; we should be appreciative and supportive by making regular contributions to help such women. If you are privileged to have a wife or baby mama who makes any kind of contribution towards the upkeep of your children, be appreciative by augmenting what she does. There are few men on earth who have such women who would work or do business to fund their children’s bills, don’t take such women for granted. Please support them. You have taken the first step to make babies; nobody forced you into making them. Take the next step, go further, show that you are a man and provide for your children.

Give back time

I would also like to address those who keep receiving and never give back. There are several people who have been privileged to receive support from parents, guardians, or even non family members. When you were young, in need and helpless, people invested into you. It is only normal if, when you are grown, you pour back into them. But for many this is not the case. Some grow up and instead of finding ways to support those who helped them, they begin to think of how to enjoy and get all the fun they believe they deserve. If someone stood by you and helped you stand, is it not wise to find a way to support them in return when you settle? If someone puts you through school, what is the first thing you should think of when you graduate? Is it to upgrade your wardrobe? Or is it to find a way to alleviate the burden of your helper(s)?

This generation seems to be more materialistic than ever. People no longer pay attention to what’s important. Always learning, but hardly coming to knowledge. It looks like many young people have not come to understand that life is about give and take. They probably do not understand that if you keep taking from a source and do not give back, it dries up. Few of them see visions of the future, they rather emphasize on immediate gratification and things ephemeral. In our days, when we came out of school, we went all out to make income and support our parents and extended family. These days, many come out of school and ask for more; more money, money shoes, more clothes and more of everything. And when you think they are getting to understand their responsibility, they tell you they are in love and want to start a new family. I have nothing against starting a new family, but I do believe that there is time for everything. Every one who plows does so in hope; why dash their hope by your negligence!

You may have very good excuses for acting irresponsibly; “things are not going too well for me”, but you still survive somehow. “I’m waiting to do something big for my helper”, but you can start small; if you are not faithful in little things, you probably will not be faithful when you have much. “I have other responsibilities too”, everyone has responsibilities yet someone chose to support you”. Act responsibly, reciprocate every kind gesture. Remember, one good turn deserves another.

It takes two…

The other side of this story is that, whereas so many men do a lot to provide for their children, some mothers are actually very irresponsible and ungrateful. It is not enough to confess love for your children, the least a mother can do to show her love is to support in paying their bills. It may sound rather awkward and rare, but there are woman who do not add a cent to pay for mortgage/rent, school fees and other utilities. I know a friend whose wife said her culture forbids a woman from paying bills or even making any contribution to support her family. She earns income but uses it for, well, you know what! Some men are actually over burdened by bills while some women sit back and watch. A man once told his leader “I hear that some women contribute financially to take care of their children, but I have never had a single financial support from my wife” He certainly is not alone as many other men have made such complaints. There are two things I believe are responsible for this:

a)    Laziness  

Let’s be honest, some ladies are actually very lazy. These days we see several ladies getting very involved in every sector of the society, making things happen and some even make more money than men. Still a number of women are too lazy to even get up and take a walk. Last week I was at the mall and walked into an argument. A staff of the mall was struggling to explain to a young lady why she gave the last motorized shopping cart to an elderly handicapped woman. Nothing he said convinced the young woman contrary to her argument. One of the security men stepped in and asked her “ma’am can I ask you, ‘what is your handicap?’” At that point she felt she lost the argument. She couldn’t say what her handicap was because she was too shy to say what it was. The security man said to her “yes you cannot say what it is, you are too ashamed to say that your handicap is fat. You are too fat to walk around and buy food but you stand here to give the impression that you were mistreated”. At this point she bent her head in shame and walked away. I left the scene wondering how many women out there act like they are handicapped when indeed the only malady is that they are too lazy to carry themselves up and around.

There is nothing wrong if you do something to help in footing the bills. It is not enough to love your children, do something to help with paying their bills too. Don’t cover it up, if you are lazy, face it, motivate yourself and get busy. If not for yourself, do it for your children.

b)    Backwards mentality

Some women still live in the archaic mindset that says it is the man’s responsibility to pay all the bills. No darling, it is not so. It takes two to tango. Two of you made the babies and it is both your responsibility to provide for the children. Even if you think the man has enough to pay all the bills, common sense should make you take up one or two of the bills and make it your own. If you cannot take up one of the bills, then at least, make regular contributions to the bills.

It is a shame to think that some mothers have never supported in the payment of bills and when you ask them they tell you “he should be paying me for watching over them”. Or “Is he not happy to see his children taken care of?” Not as if they are ill or that they have no means. Some are probably impious. Woman, it is an act of irresponsibility not to make contributions to your child/children’s bills.

Share the responsibility.

Maybe the best approach is for both parents to bear the burden of taking care of the children. No man should ignore the needs of his children and no woman should leave any man to carry the entire load. Teamwork makes a lot of sense. If you are the one who shoulders the entire bill (mother or father), it would be right if you ask for help from the irresponsible one. And if you are the one who has been unhelpful, find a way to make contributions. If you cannot get a job and you have no business ideas, then sell your shoes, cloths, and whatever else you have to support your family. You cannot have good things but deny your children of support. In my opinion, the same way you get all those good stuff you use is the same way you should provide for your children; but since you do not have a means to take care of them, then sell those things and pay their bills. That’s a good way to prove your good intentions.