Stand and be responsible

If two is company…what’s five?

The other day I saw the news about a young lady who was sentenced to 20 years in prison for firing a warning shot into the air to halt her alleged abusive husband from attacking and hurting her. Her punishment surprised me and several other sympathizers, considering that just recently someone else shot and killed a young man and was acquitted of his crime. Is it a case of different strokes for different folks? Troubling times you say!? It was some kind of relief to hear that her conviction was eventually overturned; but I am still startled that the so called husband had five baby mamas. F.I.V.E (5) different women had children for this man and…what!? How does a man do that? How can a young man make babies with five different women? What makes him jump from one to the other until the fifth? If he treated them well would he need five of them to make all those babies? And how does a woman get entangled with such complex and tricky situation? What blinded her eyes and mind to think that if he didn’t treat other women nicely, he would be different with her? Is it wisdom, desperation or foolishness that makes a lady go into such? If two is company and three is a crowd, then what would five and six be?

Over the years, as I relate with and counsel people, I have come across several relationship-related situations that some would consider simple “open and close” case; but that it keeps happening again and again means it requires attention and someone needs to address them properly. I have heard and read a couple of people’s opinion about matters of irresponsibility, child care and support, but many approach it differently. So I chose to proffer my opinion here.

There are 3 groups of people I want to address:

1)     Those who have the guts to have sex but do not have the means to take responsibility

2)     Those who keep taking and never give back.

3)     Those whose kids are well supported but yet the women still act irresponsible.

Warning: If you are one of those people who do not like the truth and shy away from reality, please do not continue reading. The following will be an honest evaluation of things happening around. If you are a sincere person and find yourself erring, you should find some tips to help you do better.

Go further

I am a strong believer in people taking responsibility for their actions. For instance, I think it is irresponsible to blame your parents (or anyone for that matter) for your present predicament. It is juvenile to blame your husband, wife, lover, or an ex for your inability to take care of your children. It is also irresponsible for a man to ignore and not provide for his child/children for whatever reason. If you considered yourself old, bold and strong enough to have sex and produce children, is it not commonsensical to also take responsibility for the fruit of your sexual act? If you do not have the means to provide for your children, should you make babies? Why should you think of making babies when you know you cannot afford to provide for them? Why would someone say he has no job, or that he is so broke that he cannot take care of his child? It beats me! I do not understand how a man that is not crippled could say such a thing. If there is no job to do, what about doing a few businesses here and there? How about some services you can provide to friends and family that can earn you income? I think several men look for good excuses not to take responsibility. Don’t cover up your laziness and stupidity with excuses. Oh man, you are inexcusable.

Some men, however, do make attempt to support their children and I doff my cap for such men. Everyday as I drive through the streets, I see several young men working hard to market some products. DVDs, clothes, perfumes, wrist watches, books, and many other items; they do what they can to make money. While some people say they do not trust such boys, I do. I trust them. I believe in them. And yes, I do patronize them even though sometimes I do not really need the things I buy from them. Would you rather they go about armed with weapons, attacking and stealing from people? Probably not! I like the fact that they make goods and services readily available. First I thought all of them use the money they get for illicit drugs and etc, but I found out that many of them are out there hustling to take care of their families. Some people sit in their posh cars, with their aristocratic mind-set and judge them, but the boys are only taking steps to provide for those who look up to them.

I also see some others who wear designer shoes, fancy shirts and cool face caps; they love to drive fancy cars, play video games, eat 5 times a day and like cute girls with cash. When I ask them what they do for a living, they answer “I got no job; the government ain’t helping the people”. In many cases, some of these boys have children and many of them do not support their children. So I wonder: “how can you find the money for expensive things and not afford to support your children?” You eat daily, you change your cloths from time to time, you can afford a smart phone, you even have some money to buy cards and gifts for your girlfriend, or friends on their birthdays, but you do not have anything to support your children. Does that sound normal? Is that fair on your children? Did those children ask to be born? If you have a problem with their mother, does it mean you should punish the children?

C’mon guys, lets be real. We should not, for what ever reason, ignore our responsibilities. If you do not have all that is required to take care of your children, you should at least have something to support. Some women are nice enough to pay all the bills for the children; we should be appreciative and supportive by making regular contributions to help such women. If you are privileged to have a wife or baby mama who makes any kind of contribution towards the upkeep of your children, be appreciative by augmenting what she does. There are few men on earth who have such women who would work or do business to fund their children’s bills, don’t take such women for granted. Please support them. You have taken the first step to make babies; nobody forced you into making them. Take the next step, go further, show that you are a man and provide for your children.

Give back time

I would also like to address those who keep receiving and never give back. There are several people who have been privileged to receive support from parents, guardians, or even non family members. When you were young, in need and helpless, people invested into you. It is only normal if, when you are grown, you pour back into them. But for many this is not the case. Some grow up and instead of finding ways to support those who helped them, they begin to think of how to enjoy and get all the fun they believe they deserve. If someone stood by you and helped you stand, is it not wise to find a way to support them in return when you settle? If someone puts you through school, what is the first thing you should think of when you graduate? Is it to upgrade your wardrobe? Or is it to find a way to alleviate the burden of your helper(s)?

This generation seems to be more materialistic than ever. People no longer pay attention to what’s important. Always learning, but hardly coming to knowledge. It looks like many young people have not come to understand that life is about give and take. They probably do not understand that if you keep taking from a source and do not give back, it dries up. Few of them see visions of the future, they rather emphasize on immediate gratification and things ephemeral. In our days, when we came out of school, we went all out to make income and support our parents and extended family. These days, many come out of school and ask for more; more money, money shoes, more clothes and more of everything. And when you think they are getting to understand their responsibility, they tell you they are in love and want to start a new family. I have nothing against starting a new family, but I do believe that there is time for everything. Every one who plows does so in hope; why dash their hope by your negligence!

You may have very good excuses for acting irresponsibly; “things are not going too well for me”, but you still survive somehow. “I’m waiting to do something big for my helper”, but you can start small; if you are not faithful in little things, you probably will not be faithful when you have much. “I have other responsibilities too”, everyone has responsibilities yet someone chose to support you”. Act responsibly, reciprocate every kind gesture. Remember, one good turn deserves another.

It takes two…

The other side of this story is that, whereas so many men do a lot to provide for their children, some mothers are actually very irresponsible and ungrateful. It is not enough to confess love for your children, the least a mother can do to show her love is to support in paying their bills. It may sound rather awkward and rare, but there are woman who do not add a cent to pay for mortgage/rent, school fees and other utilities. I know a friend whose wife said her culture forbids a woman from paying bills or even making any contribution to support her family. She earns income but uses it for, well, you know what! Some men are actually over burdened by bills while some women sit back and watch. A man once told his leader “I hear that some women contribute financially to take care of their children, but I have never had a single financial support from my wife” He certainly is not alone as many other men have made such complaints. There are two things I believe are responsible for this:

a)    Laziness  

Let’s be honest, some ladies are actually very lazy. These days we see several ladies getting very involved in every sector of the society, making things happen and some even make more money than men. Still a number of women are too lazy to even get up and take a walk. Last week I was at the mall and walked into an argument. A staff of the mall was struggling to explain to a young lady why she gave the last motorized shopping cart to an elderly handicapped woman. Nothing he said convinced the young woman contrary to her argument. One of the security men stepped in and asked her “ma’am can I ask you, ‘what is your handicap?’” At that point she felt she lost the argument. She couldn’t say what her handicap was because she was too shy to say what it was. The security man said to her “yes you cannot say what it is, you are too ashamed to say that your handicap is fat. You are too fat to walk around and buy food but you stand here to give the impression that you were mistreated”. At this point she bent her head in shame and walked away. I left the scene wondering how many women out there act like they are handicapped when indeed the only malady is that they are too lazy to carry themselves up and around.

There is nothing wrong if you do something to help in footing the bills. It is not enough to love your children, do something to help with paying their bills too. Don’t cover it up, if you are lazy, face it, motivate yourself and get busy. If not for yourself, do it for your children.

b)    Backwards mentality

Some women still live in the archaic mindset that says it is the man’s responsibility to pay all the bills. No darling, it is not so. It takes two to tango. Two of you made the babies and it is both your responsibility to provide for the children. Even if you think the man has enough to pay all the bills, common sense should make you take up one or two of the bills and make it your own. If you cannot take up one of the bills, then at least, make regular contributions to the bills.

It is a shame to think that some mothers have never supported in the payment of bills and when you ask them they tell you “he should be paying me for watching over them”. Or “Is he not happy to see his children taken care of?” Not as if they are ill or that they have no means. Some are probably impious. Woman, it is an act of irresponsibility not to make contributions to your child/children’s bills.

Share the responsibility.

Maybe the best approach is for both parents to bear the burden of taking care of the children. No man should ignore the needs of his children and no woman should leave any man to carry the entire load. Teamwork makes a lot of sense. If you are the one who shoulders the entire bill (mother or father), it would be right if you ask for help from the irresponsible one. And if you are the one who has been unhelpful, find a way to make contributions. If you cannot get a job and you have no business ideas, then sell your shoes, cloths, and whatever else you have to support your family. You cannot have good things but deny your children of support. In my opinion, the same way you get all those good stuff you use is the same way you should provide for your children; but since you do not have a means to take care of them, then sell those things and pay their bills. That’s a good way to prove your good intentions.

The worst that can happen

A few weeks ago my parents went for their first major vacation. When they sent me pictures, I was amazed at what I saw. Clenched in my mother’s hand, was a copy of a book I wrote over ten (10) years ago. I called her to ask why she chose to travel with that book and not any of the recent ones, she answered “this book changed my life; it helped me understand why I am alive. I love it so much”.  When I heard those words my eyes glowed with light, my face beamed with joy and my spirit was ignited with life. For my mother to be so blessed by my book that she carries it about is a thing of beauty. The saying is that “a prophet has no honor in his hometown”; it might as well be different for me.

The effect of the book “Committed to Purpose” on my mum coupled with several other demands for it has propelled me to begin a revised version which will soon be released. And as a way of helping those who are struggling with understanding why they are here, I have decided to share some parts of it in this blog. I hope it blesses and helps you attain greatness.

The worst that can happen

Recently someone asked me a question. He asked what I think is the worst thing that can happen to a person. Before I could give him my answer, he went on to tell me a sad story of a young man whom he felt had an experience he considered the worst thing that can happen to anyone. The young man in his story was an orphan. He had a younger brother who was four (4) years old when both parents died. Before his mother’s death, she made the older one promise to help the younger one go to the University and become a great man. The older son made that vow to his dying mother and all through his life, did all he could to train up his brother. He had an opportunity to go to school, but he did not, because there was no one else to take care of his brother. Instead, he did all sorts of menial and ignoble jobs also did all sort of businesses, to pay his brother’s school fees. When it was time for him to get married, he did not marry because he wanted to fulfill his mother’s wish.

After many years of trouble, trials and toils, the young man in question was ready to graduate from one of the best universities in their country. He gathered all his friends and extended family and they all prepared to attend the long awaited graduation, which will indeed mark a new season for the family. On the day of the graduation, they got to the school to hear that the worst had happened the night before. The young graduate was stabbed to death by cultists. It was a sad end to a story I thought should have had a happy conclusion.

As the story concluded, he burst into tears. He wept so hard and asked “what can be worse than this?” Cold chills ran down my spine and I almost wept when he told me he was the one who had that experience. I sympathized with him and encouraged him to move on with life. The next day, he came to my office and as we continued our conversation, I told him what I believe is the worst thing that can happen to anyone

I believe that the worst thing that can happen to a person is to be alive and not know why. For someone to be alive and not know his/her purpose is a terrible life to live. It is not the death of an only son, nor is it loss of wealth, fame or life for that matter. If you are alive and do not know your purpose, you are probably better off dead. Lack of knowledge of purpose is the leading cause of frustration, abuse, depression and indeed so many spiritual, psychological and physical illnesses.

Someone once said that the worst thing that can happen to a person is to go to hell fire. May be I should not say he is wrong, I will rather say that lack of understanding of purpose will make people go to hell. People, who do not understand what Jesus came for, will find themselves in hell fire. People who do not understand that man was made in the image and likeness of God, so that we can worship and serve him through Jesus Christ, and that one day we shall be with him to part no more; those who lack this understanding are the ones who will live in hell fire forever.

When you identify your purpose, you smile through life while others frown through it. Not because you have all things working for you, but because you know your purpose, you will not move with the crowd or run up and down looking for the so called “greener pastures”. Those who know their purpose also know that only your shepherd (God) can lead you to greener pastures (cf. Psalm 23: 2). In addition, they understand that not all ‘green pastures’ is their ‘green pasture’. They know that God orders the steps of a good man (cf. Psalm 37: 23). They also know that “…as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God” (Romans 8:14 KJV).

Life is full of storms; in fact, it looks like another word for life is ‘storms’.  If you have not experienced any yet, then get ready, they will come. Young or old, male or female, everyone born of a woman, irrespective of your race, tribe or tongue, if your blood is red, you must face storms. You do not have to like or enjoy it, you may not expect it; one thing in life is certain-you will have challenges. However, only people who understand purpose, make it through the storms of life. They know that they are going somewhere (even though sometimes they do not know exactly where) and they know that storms come to make them strong. They know that there are seasons and times and that there is time for everything under the heaven; so even though they go through the valley of the shadow of death, they understand that it is temporal. They have understanding of purpose and this knowledge empowers them to run the race of this life with hope and faith.

(Culled from the introduction to the book “Committed to Purpose”, 2002)

Update or Upgrade?

In the last few weeks, I have spent time dealing with issues of Domestic abuse and the likes; honestly, I didn’t know how bad people were hurting until I wrote on that subject. I got several inboxes and emails highlighting some very sad experiences.  I have learnt that people are going through stuff and, yes, we will continue the campaign and help those who need it. But today, I thought to take a break and address some other “less pressing” matters.

Modified Lifestyle

One thing I like about our modern lifestyle is that we have access to lots of goodies. Internet access, faster computers, smarter phones, brilliant machines, more interesting fashion, and “faster” foods are just a few of the things we enjoy in this contemporary age. We have all sorts of social media and Apps that some claim seem to have helped communications, like Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, Viber, Tango, Skype, Hangouts, Instagram, YouTube and many more. It may not be all good, but I, for one, have benefited from lots of them. For instance, I can skype with friends and family from anywhere in the world. Amazing!

Although we may have improved means of communication, I am not too sure if it has improved communication. What I see sometimes are confused people who misinform us about their real life or those who wash their dirty underclothes in public. Maybe it has made life better, but again, maybe it has made things more complicated.

I do not think many people understand exactly the purpose of social media; or is it me? Maybe I’m taking it too seriously, but honestly, some people’s status updates worry me. Some people do not know that by their tweets or updates, we can clearly see their confusion or even their retrogression. Some are funny but stupid still. For instance, a young girl gets married and a few days later she smiles at the camera, takes a picture, posts it on Facebook and writes “marriage is good, join me friends”. She takes another one and writes “Me and my hubby, enjoyment galore”. Some of her bold single friends would reply, “Congrats!” One word! Her updates for the next few weeks look like this: 2^nd week “My husband is the best man in the world”. “Thank God for my marriage” 3^rd week “God is good to me and my husband”. 4^th week  “If not for God, where would I be”  Let’s fast-forward to 6 months later “I trust in God and not man” “The arm of flesh will fail you” By the 8^th month we know what is happening as she writes “What kind of life is this?” “Sad”. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper”. And finally she spills “must everyone marry?”

I hear that some girls don’t pray over their food anymore, they just put their phones over their food, take a picture of it and put on Facebook/twitter/BB and say “my lunch for today”. I have nothing about anybody’s update or pictures, but who post pictures that do not show progress?  Why would you put a picture of yourself showing unclean under arm or rumpled clothes? Why should your recent picture be worse than the one you posted last year? Many times we can “read” people’s mood swing by their tweet and status updates and I wonder “do they have a clue what impression they portray?” Today they speak well and sound excited but the next day they sound frustrated and needy. We saw your picture last year, your recent picture does not show improvement; you had a few “love handles’ last year, but now it’s much more. Last year you looked like you had some money but now you look broke. Maybe it is nobody’s business what you say on your Twitter or Facebook pages, but do you really think it makes sense to talk down your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend in public? Who does that? Who takes family matter to the public?

Upgrade

I believe that what we need to see is more of how you have improved in life rather than some of those things we see. Maybe what people need to see on your update is how you have upgraded yourself. How about a picture of you showing how hard work pays off? What about something that shows you look better than you used to be? It will be nice to see you graduating from college or earning a university degree, post-graduate degree or probably a PhD. Smart people use social media to promote their business, faith, or just talk about politics or social activities. I do not think it is sensible to show the world your indiscretions; if you do not have anything to say or show the world, understand that sometimes silence is golden. It is better for you to be silent and people think you are smart, than to say something and prove them wrong. And don’t be fooled, many people who like, comment or retweet your posts laugh at you secretly. You do not see most of them when they comment anyway!! If only you can see the “heart of men”, you will be wise about what you post to the public. If you must say anything, let it give a good impression of you. If you must post any picture, let it show your progress. #justmythoughts

The Beauty and The Beast

The Hilarious

Life is not always a smooth sail. We all have ups and downs. Sometimes the hard times overwhelm some people and they cry and some worry; others carry the load for as long as they can before they break down. But in the last few years I have learnt to take a break from stress and look for fun things to help relax my mind and get refreshed. Over the weekend, thinking about my childhood, I remembered a lot of things I have not had time to laugh about. For instance, as a kid we used to sing some songs which we considered “worship songs”. When I grew up I realized how ignorant we were. I wouldn’t have shared the song, but I know some of my readers would skin me if I don’t. So here it goes:

 “Amebo ele mu, Amebo ele mu, Igo meji meji, igo meji meji lo ngbe Amebo ele mu”.

Most of us in that kids worship crew didn’t know what it meant and as a matter of fact, we sang the song with interjections of “halleluiah”, “Jesus” and “amen” in between making it feel holy and acceptable to God. I was so tickled and laughed exuberantly when I learnt the meaning. “Amebo” is the name of a gossip who sells local beer in the neighborhood pub. In a popular soap that aired on the Nigerian national TV in the 80s, village men gathered at her bar every evening after work to take some shots of her local brew. When they get drunk, they sing this song to celebrate their home grown star, Amebo. Here is the meaning:

 “Amebo the beer seller, Amebo the beer seller, two bottles, she serves two bottles each, Amebo the beer seller”.

For one second can you imagine four children within the age group 7-9 singing that song, in tears, hands raised and eyes closed as we sang to the Lord a song of worship?

You might agree with me that as children we did some stupid stuff. There is no doubt we were sincere when we sang that song, but did our sincerity make it right? Would God say “they are sincerely ignorant kids so let me accept their worship”? Maybe not! We were probably blessed that He overlooked our ignorance. We were ignorant, but it didn’t make it right.

The beastly

Lately we have been considering the issue of domestic abuse and its devastating effects on people’s lives. The feedback I received from my last two articles opened my eyes and informed me that several people are really hurting from this ravaging plague and a lot others need urgent help. I’m not too sure of which story to share and which not to, but it has reached a sickening proportion that silence on this matter would be considered worse than wickedness. Someone sent me a photo to show what her boy friend did to her. It was a sad sight to behold. Another young man sent me an email asking for help from a woman who has made him her sex slave. He works for her and his job is to have sex with her three times a day and when he does not meet the target he is not paid. As if that is not enough, the woman performs some very weird and beastly acts on him during intercourse and when he complains about the injury inflicted upon him, he gets beaten. He had tried to escape many times but this woman is influential in their community and so far his prison breaks has always been futile. A couple other women wrote in to tell me stories about how they have been mistreated in their homes by their husbands/lovers and some sent pictures to show the extent of damage done to them. 

A lady who just had a baby two weeks ago by caesarean section got a serious beating from her “husband” who also threatened to kill her. She said it was not the first time he hit her but that this time it was worse and now she is afraid that he might actually carry out his threat. Afraid for her life, she consulted a few friends and leaders, sadly they encouraged her to bear it and have faith in God that the man would change.

Contending with a sick culture

Most of the people who contacted me for help claim that they have tried to get help from friends, family and even their places of worship and no one seem to come up with any reasonable solution due to some strange cultural practices. Now, what culture encourages abuse!? Is it culture or are people afraid of something else?  I understand that for some reason, separation and divorce is not an acceptable practice in many places, but I don’t understand why people would not think of a reasonable solution when someone’s life is in danger. Someone may ask “what’s the proof of danger?” If someone shows up with a black eye, what more proof do we need? In any case even without any proof, if someone says he/she is afraid of sleeping at night because they are afraid of being hurt, should he/she not be taken serious? If anyone says they are abused can we look into the matter rather than confess faith or pray? Is fear of a spouse not enough indication of domestic abuse?

Why do we tell someone who has been hurt by a partner to hold on and keep faith when we can do more? Why are we subjecting people to bondage just because we want to keep a good name?  Is there not a better way to keep the abused safe while trying to foster peace? It beats me how some people hide their ignorance behind culture but if your culture is causing harm to people, then away with such culture. Life is more precious than any culture or belief. We cannot hold on to culture while our sons and daughters are bruised, battered and killed. There has to be a change. We can no longer continue to live in denial; there are abused people around us everyday and they need urgent help. It is time for us to break free from primitive cultures and reach out and help the needy. The only culture that makes sense right now is the one that upholds the sanctity of human life. So let’s all look around us and find a way to help hurting people in our neighborhoods. Luckily, domestic abuse is one thing that does not hide; it is easy to identify:

·       When you ask someone about their spouse and  they tell you “it is well” then something is not right

·       When a woman breaks into tears during a conversation related to her relationship, it is a sign

·       If he/she fears their spouse, there may be abuse

·       If he/she gets intimidated by their spouse in public, you know that’s not a good sign

·       Most abusive people have a bad temper so most people married to bad tempered men/women are abused. Look for other signs

·       If someone often shows up with strange injuries, it could be a sign of abuse

·       Overly possessive people in many cases are also abusive, so if you have a friend/colleague/family member whose partner is extremely possessive, he/she might be abused

·       If someone is abruptly Ostracized from the public, check, there might be abuse

·       A sudden change in temperament is a sign of abuse

·       If someone clearly says they have been beaten, even if it is once, that’s abuse. It could get worse, offer to help

Message to the rookies

Maybe it is almost late to save some bad marriages, but there is a lot we can do to help those who are still single. If you are single, here are a few tips to help you choose a good partner:

·       Make sure your purpose compliments his/her purpose

·       Whatever you do, please marry because you are in love and not due to pressure

·       Get counsel from experienced people before you choose a spouse (ladies, ask your father/male leader/male mentor to give you an honest assessment of the man you intend to marry. Guys ask your mum/female leader/female mentor to give you an honest assessment of the woman you intend to marry)

·       Ladies, never marry a man who cannot lead you

·       Look for signs of violence. If he/she has a bad temper, in your best interest don’t go any further

·       If your self esteem drops during the relationship, you might be in the wrong relationship

·       Never marry anyone who does not respect you

·       If he/she ever hits you (at most once), end it immediately

·       Whoever yells at you, especially in public, will do much more when you get married.

·       If he/she is always suspicious of your every move, it is a sign of more serious problems ahead

·       If your date mostly ends up in a fight, advice yourself. You may be in the wrong relationship

·       If you have more sad than happy days, it’s a bad sign

·       If you are not good friends, you cannot make a good couple.

Tragic end to a miserable marriage

Several abusive marriages have ended in the death of the abused partner. If only families, friends and the communities in which they lived had intervened, the story would have ended differently. A woman I know was beaten by her husband until she passed out. He left her motionless body in the house and went to the pub to drink, when he came back late that night she had cleaned the whole house, had a bath, prepared dinner and left a portion for him on the dinning table. When he came back she went to meet him at the door, knelt down and asked for his forgiveness. This was not the first time she had been beaten by the wild man. A few weeks after their wedding, she showed up in church wearing sun shades. Her pastor had described her as an angel who loved God, loved every one and would not attempt anything that was unholy; to see her with sun shades on a rainy day was suspicious. But she told the pastor she had an accident in her house.

When her husband saw how close she was to the leaders and members of their local church, he moved the family to an isolated town which meant she had to look for another church and make new friends. She left her job, family and friends and started a new isolated life with her husband. The night in question, after she had prepared dinner and apologized to him, they made up and as usual he asked for sex and she did not resist.

Early in the morning the man woke up and rushed to get ready for work. Something didn’t look normal. Usually his wife would have been up and getting breakfast ready for him. But this time she was still asleep. When asked what happened that morning, the husband said “after calling out to her a couple of times without response, I went to the room to wake her up and I found her dead”.

The police said she died of a “natural cause”, but her close friend said she sent a text the night before saying “good night girl, see you when I see you”. Her friend, the recipient of that text, said she was a beautiful woman who married a beast. She had told her of all the times she was beaten, how she had told the police of her problem without help, how her family told her they had no room for her if she left her marriage and even how the church told her they did not believe in divorce. Her good friend believes she must have chosen to exit her marriage by poisoning herself, a view her husband denies claming they were happy even though they had one or two misunderstandings.

Take a stand

We may never know the whole truth about what happened to that beautiful lady and who or what killed her, but many people will not go blameless on account of her death. Her family may be hurting but could they have done something to save her life? How about her friend who knew the story, could she have raised alarm? Her church may claim ignorance of her condition or of what they could have done to help, but does it make their action acceptable?

We can all do something to make sure we never loose anyone else to domestic abuse. Take a stand. Make a positive move to help someone who has been abused. We can make a difference. We can cause a change. Help save a life. #StoptheAbuse

Living in BondRage – A sequel to Paradox of Rotten Eggs

Intro

There is massive rise in domestic violence and now it has reached a disquieting proportion. A child was tied hands and feet to a pole and tortured for several weeks just because he stole his father’s money. No it was not a lot of money, it was about 20 dollars. Another young girl had very spicy pepper smeared on her genitals because she was seen standing along the streets talking to a boy. It was not as if they were seen doing any obscene thing(s), her offense was that she spent time with a boy and her punishment was to grease her privates with spicy red hot pepper! A mother cut over twenty-five holes on her son’s body as a penalty for lying. A woman who had suspected that her husband was cheating on her tried to get a confession from him and when he denied she beat him to pulp and decapitated his penis. A young preacher was rushing out to church one Sunday morning and his wife asked for some money. He said he didn’t have any money but his offering at that moment and would attend to her when he gets back from church. She couldn’t wait. In the “heat of the moment” she poured a hot pot of freshly cooked red soup on him and kicked him out of the house. He did not sustain much burn, but I think he lost his left eye. A woman I know was beaten by her husband until she passed out. He left her motionless body in the house and went to the pub to drink, when he came back late that night…you would not believe what had happened; she had cleaned the whole house, had a bath, prepared dinner and left a portion for him on the dinning table. When he came back she went to meet him at the door, knelt down and asked for his forgiveness. What happened next? Continue to read till the end.

Domestic violence happens every day and it affects children, men and women.

OutRAGEous  

At the root of every violent act is a bad temper. Where ever you find violence, you can trace it to a bad temper. I do not understand how some people allow themselves to be influenced by what someone called “the spirit of rage”. I know that people have a way of getting on your nerves, but some of us have learnt how not to allow anybody or anything unsettle us to the point of breaking out with violence. Not because we are super-humans but because we have learnt how to control our temper. I looked up the synonym for the word control:

·       Manage

·       Be in charge of

·       Have power over

·       Be in command of.

Everybody has a temper but some have learnt to manage it well. When you lose your temper you are completely out of control which means you are not in charge. It means that something else has taken over your spirit, mind and body. Letting your temper rule, means you are under the influence of a strange power. That is why, in many cases, people do not come to themselves until they have done harm. Have you heard about people who “woke up” after they had stabbed someone several times? Did you read about the woman who stabbed her suckling baby 90 times because he bit her while she was breastfeeding him? Read about it here: http://newsone.com/2631948/xiao-bao/ . What would you call that? Some would say a demon spirit came upon her or she was depressed or maybe she has a mental problem. Maybe it is all of the above. She lost it. She lost her mind. She lost control. It is absolutely despicable.

It may not be the same proportion of violence, but I believe that the same rage is what makes a mother hit her child on the face. Same spirit makes a man hit a woman. It is same loss of control that makes a woman attack her man. I do not mean to say that children should not be disciplined when they do wrong or that men should not correct their wives when they ere; I mean to say that whatever you do in anger can hardly ever be decent. Almost everything done in anger result in hurt and regrets. So maybe there is a more excellent way to discipline without abusing.

Discipline VS Abuse

I see many people abuse their children and when you ask they say it is discipline. But discipline does not seek to inflict pain. How can you hit a child with your bare hand and say it is discipline? I am a very firm or sometimes very hard leader, but I never at any point hit anyone with my hands. Do you know why? It is because when someone misbehaves and needs to be disciplined I take my time, go get the cane which acts as the rod of correction; then I start by explaining why I need to whip the fellow and how many strokes is good enough for the offense. Sometimes I explain the right place to “plant” the whip. If I was angry, I would have calmed down between the time I go fetch the cane and when I finish the explanation. Not once did I flog anyone in anger, I usually smile. But many people get angry and hit the person right there and then using their bare hands. That is violence. That is abuse.

NB: In the past I whipped children and young people before I learnt a better way. If you use the right strategy, you do not need to lash anyone.

Discipline is done in love and love is never violent. Discipline seeks to correct and if you use the right approach you may not even need to raise your voice. Discipline is intended to help people improve and if it is not done nicely it is misunderstood. But how do you describe a punch on the chest? What do you call a slap on the face? What do you intend to achieve when you kick a woman in the belly or stomp on a man’s “wuhu”? Do you consider that discipline? No! Those are outward expressions of inward rage.

Dilemma of a housewife

As a young leader from a moderately traditional spiritual background, I didn’t know how to counsel victims of abuse. Not that I didn’t know how to encourage the family to embrace dialogue or seek counsel; I did all that. I prayed for/with them, did what I could to keep the family together but somehow I still couldn’t give a clear cut counsel. I couldn’t see a reason why any couple should separate until a friend of mine almost got killed. Her story is so heart rending that as I write I feel shivers all over me. I wonder why anyone would be that mean to someone he claims to love or loved at some point in his life.

They met in the university and were both involved in their school fellowship. I guess their interactions in the things of God got them closer and he proposed marriage to her. During their courtship she saw a few signs that gave her clues of his character issues and violent temper, but she probably didn’t think it was that serious. A few years later, she got married to the love of her life and that was how her life took a “Wrong Turn at Tahoe”  

The man she married turned out to be what I’ll describe as an aggressive and heartless bully who cheats on her with anything in skirt. Maybe it would have been nicer to say he cheats with anyone that comes his way, but I realize that his cheating instincts and choices are so poor that when you see who, indeed what he cheats with, in comparison with his wife, you can’t but wonder how contemptible he must be. To add to his cheating antics he violates the woman with abandon. Several times he beats her up and while she is busy nursing her wounds he goes further to rape her. I never believed that a married woman could be raped by her husband, but can someone tell me, how can you explain this? If a woman is beaten, battered and bruised and yet the same person goes on to have sex with her, what would you call that?

This is not just a story from a movie or some tale told by a wounded woman, they are true and certifiable encounters. Relatives, church members and their family doctor can substantiate that the woman was terribly abused. In one case he beat her till she had a miscarriage. And he didn’t bother to take her to the hospital. On another occasion he kept hitting the woman until a relative in the house intervened and knocked him out to save the day. Observers were wondering why a man who could not provide for his family (for whatever reason) is this iniquitous. The troubling part of this saga is that this cheating bully of a husband was also a pastor. His immoral behavior got him expelled from the church and as the manner of many proud men is, he egoistically started his own business (he calls it a church). Even at that, his wicked and atrocious behavior towards his wife did not change. It went from bad to worse. He kept abusing and cheating on her. The abuse was all inclusive, spanning across verbal, emotional and physical boundaries and even included frequent threats to kill her.

Is it worth it?

This woman remained in that marriage for many years and each time she asked for help people told her “trust God”.  She prayed, fasted and spoke to his friends to help him with his temper, but nothing changed. The police couldn’t do anything, they were probably his friends. The church could not help, they could only pray. Pastors disassociated themselves from the matter and only encouraged her to keep holding on. And she lived with that for many years until she couldn’t take it anymore. I’m not too sure we need to know how it ended.

So what makes people stay in a relationship that threatens to take their life?

1)   Love: Some say their love is so strong that no affliction can separate them

2)   Fear of  a) being alone b) being hurt by the abuser c) fear of  people’s opinion d) fear of rejection

3)   Religious belief

4)   Cultural belief

I am not very sure why people choose to stay in abusive relationships. The above list is not exhaustive and not necessarily connected to cases mentioned here. They are some of the reasons why some people remain in a bad relationship/marriage.  I do not want to delve into matters of faith and personal conviction; let everyone hold on to what they believe. But if you are involved in an abusive relationship you should ask yourself these questions:  I) is the relationship worth fighting for? II) Is your life in danger? 

After many years of standing between the lines and not taking any clear cut stand, I have seen people maimed and even some killed.  Now I have taken a stand and here is my suggestion:

1)   If you are experiencing abuse, seek counsel immediately

2)   If you have gone for series of counseling and the abuse continues, move to a safe place as dialogue and negotiations continue

3)    If all attempts to keep you safe from violence fail, stay away from your tormentor, you may not live to tell your story.

4)   If you need help before or after you leave an abusive relationship, there are several organizations out there to assist you through the process. If you are not sure of what organization to contact, send an email to ysaintlag@yahoo.com or Jaspergogo@gmail.com with your name and location and we will arrange help for you.

Do you remember the story of the abused woman in the first paragraph of this article? You are not going to believe what happened the next morning.

Paradox of rotten eggs

Recent events have prompted me to talk about abuse. Our sons and daughters are hurting, many are emotionally dead and several have died as a result of abuse. I am going to be straight forward and direct here and I hope I make my point simple and clear so that those who are responsible for such wickedness will desist and repent while those who are victims will find healing and restoration.

Trusted traitors

Children look up to their parents and grown people to love, care, provide and protect them. But sadly many have allowed themselves to be used to hurt children. Is it insanity or what makes a grown man “play” with/on little girls? What makes a little girl desirable to an adult man? How can a sane woman practice her erotic delusion with a little boy? Isn’t that a psychiatric case? Why would a man want to have sex with his wife or girl friend’s daughter? Have we become so out of control that our dignity and pride is of no importance anymore!?

Everyday I read stories of rape, abuse and child molestation my heart hurts. It is just not right. If she is not old enough to live on her own, then she is not old enough for sex. Let’s assume she is old enough for sex, if she is not ready for it then she should not be made to experience it. Even if she is ready to, if she is not yours should you be looking in her direction at all!? When you touch, erotically, someone who looks up to you, it is more than moral failure. It is wickedness, for lack of better word.

Child on trial

It pains me to know that several children are abused daily but hurts me more to see that those who ought to help those kids are the ones who bully them. An irresponsible man tampers with a little girl’s genital, she grows up and has strange sexual feelings and “jumps” on boys in school and everywhere; does that not mean the girl needs help? Instead of helping her people ostracize her and call her “spoilt child”. What did she do wrong? Was it her fault that she was abused? Is it not the responsibility of responsible women and leaders around to scoop her up and lovingly help her? What are mothers turning into these days? Mothers used to know how to help children in pain and in need but these days people only care about their own children. Isn’t that self-centeredness? If Jesus was to meet that child would He consider her spoilt and not offer to help her? If that little abused child was your baby, what would you do? Do not ask what you should do, do what is right. Do what you would do if she was your child.

 Unethical realities

When people go to church they expect to get love, leadership and a closer relationship with God. The church is a place where people go to worship God, fellowship with believers and acquire spiritual knowledge. It is a place where broken people go for healing and restoration; a place of refuge in a world where anarchy is the order of the day. It is understandable if people go there also to socialize, it is expected, since we are people of the light and we are to mingle only with people of like faith. But what I do not understand is how some pastors have abused their office and some church folks have taken the house and the name of the Lord for granted.

First: Some church leaders have no business being in leadership because they either are not trained for that purpose or they do not know anything about the ethos of the honorable profession. If you are trained and learned, you know that it is unethical to abuse your followers or anyone for that matter. I have heard how some church leaders “rape” members of their congregation; this is ungodly, unacceptable and out of order. It is the highest form of abuse of office. And to think that some see it as nothing serious is ridiculous.

The Untouchables

What happened to the old scrupulous process of inducting a pastor to the holy order? What happened to the commitment to abstain from things that affect a leader’s focus and sense of judgment? What happened to the restrictions? In my opinion, since church leaders started permitting wantonness and drunkenness things have never been the same. The “God understands” message has, rather than help the cause, dragged us to the mud. In those days there were boundaries we would never cross and everyone who had the audacity to accept the huge responsibility of leading God’s people was put through rigorous trainings and certain obligations which included recitations of things we must not do. For instance, “We will not touch the girls!” “We will not touch the Gold!” “We will not touch the Glory!” We were not to crave wine, women and wealth; these were considered too sacred a vow to break. What ever happened to the “creed”!? Today, things seem to have changed and anything goes. Rather than raise the standard, we have stooped lower than the expectation. What a shame!

Some say it is not that serious an issue but it seems to me that the permission to take wine “…for your stomach sake” has warped some ministers’ minds and given them a lascivious desire for wealth and women. Many ministers have thrown caution to air and feel no guilt when they express sexual feelings towards women under their leadership. Sex with members, which was a “no, no” has become prevalent. Such libidinous orgies were never condoned in the days when there were strict regulations and tougher requirements to become a church leader. We need sanity restored to the system. Can we return to the altar, ask for forgiveness and begin a process of healing for those we have misled and abused?  

Playing the blame game

There is no doubt that this whole thing suggests leadership failure, however I do not accept the excuse that some ladies give. How can someone say she gave her body to a pastor because she saw him as a man of God and did not want to offend “God”? How can you say you were not able to walk away from an illicit relationship for fear of hurting the pastor or fear that he would tell the world how you seduced him? Are you kidding me!? Is this ignorance, foolishness or an attempt to place blame on someone else? Or is it that an adult woman does not know her body is “private” and she has a right to say no? I understand that trust can make you go into a room alone with your leader, but common sense should tell you that if he asks for sex you have a right to walk away. You cannot allow him free access to your body, it is your body and you should say no to any man who wants to manipulate you into doing what you do not want to do. I don’t care who he is, what position he occupies or his influence in the church or society; if he did not find you worthy to make you his wife, then he is not qualified to lay with you. I didn’t think any grown woman would need to be told she owns her body!

Some say they believed the pastor to the point that they fell for his antics. But what does the bible say about what the pastor is saying? Or maybe you do not even know that the bible is the final authority and authenticator of any word, message, prophecy, “sayings” or teaching. No it is not the pastor! But the problem is that many church folks do not know what the bible says so they accept anything they hear from the pastor. People have several apps on their phones, tabs and Ipads and almost all apps are used daily but the bible app. People go to facebook, twitter, and other social networks but rarely read their bibles. How will they know the truth when they do not study the bible? I agree that some church leaders have gone crazy and out of control with their lustful living, but if a lady knows who she is, what she wants and what the word says, she will not allow herself be used or abused.

While I agree that the leader who gets sexually involved with his members is abusive, I do not know if I can say that women who foolishly and willingly give themselves to him were abused. If on your own volition you give yourself to any man, you probably abused yourself. I don’t understand how a woman who freely had sex with a man over and over again would turn around after a long time and cry “foul”. Why didn’t you cry out after the first time, first week or first month? Were you enjoying the experience or were you under a spell? Yes you may have been raped, but do rape victims wait for several sessions of the so called “rape” before they seek help?  How about “date the boss” ideology!? Is it not possible that some who claim to be abused actually seduced the boss for some reason? Could it be that when things fell apart someone tried to play another game to claim innocence and attract sympathy? Too many questions!

On the flip side, I know how some men can be very manipulative. That is one problem I have with many good looking and charismatic men; they use their charm and eloquence to beguile weak minded women. They passionately tell sorry tales about how needy they are, all in a bid to attract pity and get some asinine woman to offer her body. Unfortunately such men do not understand divine purpose for their endowment and as Myles Munroe puts it in his book Understanding the power of woman “When purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable”. A minister who does not understand why he is gifted and why he occupies the position he is in, will abuse himself and those whom he leads. It is a shame how some church leaders have besmirched the name of the Lord and the noble office they occupy.

If you are a pastor and you find yourself sleeping with women in your congregation you have a problem; a very serious problem for that matter. A mistake happens once and with one person, but it is not a mistake if you fall over and over again and with more than one person. Don’t claim you were seduced; accept responsibility for your conduct. When you signed up for the job you should have known that you will attract all sorts. If you were trained you should know and expect people to crush on you; but you should also have been taught how to manage it and turn their unreasonable desire into positive use. You are a disgrace to God, yourself and the body. You have failed woefully.

Restoration

When all is said and done, I do believe that there are many girls and women out there who have been abused by leaders and people they trusted. To such, on behalf of all leaders, I apologize for how we have mishandled you. You do not deserve to be treated the way you were treated. It was nothing you did wrong; it was wickedness of the heart and selfish desire that led to the abuse. Find it in your heart to please forgive, for in forgiveness of your offenders can you find total restoration.

All we like sheep have gone astray; no one can say he has not fallen into one error or the other. No not one. Not even me. If you have abused God’s people, then you committed a grievous offence. Do not attempt to defend yourself; accept that you have done wrong and seek to make amends. Denial of your weakness is a sign of impenitence. Humble yourself before you are humiliated. You have done damage to the name of Christ, but you can turn around and go back to God for cleansing. You might have to step down from your office and go seek His face. Peradventure, He will forgive and restore you.