Friday, January 31, 2014
Why don’t you have a man!?
The other day I saw a rather funny story of Jesus
Christ and some of his followers. One of his female followers said to him
“Jesus, I need a man”. And Jesus answered her “I sent you one, but you keep
telling him he’s just a friend”.
I’m not too sure of the origin of that joke or if it has theological roots, but it sure did two things
to me: 1) I laughed so hard and loud for
almost three minutes and 2) It got me
thinking about why many people do not have the needed help or love that they
need or deserve. I laughed because I have heard several ladies say things
similar to that; some people have the impression that the closer it is, the
more unlikely it is to be real. I was wondering “is it possible that what you
are looking for “out there” is right “in here”?
I was privileged to visit a village in Democratic
Republic of Congo called Mbujimayi and during my stay, I was invited to bless a
piece of land where a local business man and his boys were about to dig for diamonds.
Yes, diamonds! I blessed the land and left for our own mission-evangelism. We worked all day in the neighboring village,
preaching and praying for people and got back late at night. I didn’t have time
to ask if the “diamond diggers” were successful or not. The next morning, as I
did my prayer walk, I walked pass the site and to my surprise they were still
digging. I didn’t want to stop by again since my translator was not with me.
But on a second thought, I decided to go nearer and take a look. When I got
there, one of the workers thought to explain to me what was going on. He probably thought that with my academic credentials,
I was also verse in his local dialect. Well, even though I didn’t understand
the dialect, I understood his gesticulations and explanations.
He explained to me that they may dig for a couple of
hours or even days and not get a single diamond. It is a very hard and tedious
task which may or may not yield dividends. I was amazed that with all the risk
and hard work put into the project, there is a huge possibility of it being
futile; but the interesting part, I found out, is that after all that process,
they only need to find a certain kind/quality/specie/type of soil that tells
them they might have reached a diamond “zone”. Soil? Yes, Soil. And when they find that soil,
the fellow in the hole scoops them and sends them up. When they get all the
“special” soil, they go to the nearby stream to wash/sift it and hope they find
even one piece of diamond. Sometimes
they do find and they celebrate it. Other times they don’t find anything; they
wash up, go home and try another location, another day. But another very interesting part of their
search for diamond is that when they do find diamonds among the soil, it does
not in any way look as attractive or beautiful as we all know diamonds to be. Diamond in its unprocessed state is pretty
ordinary and unless you know how to identify it, you may mistake it for a piece
of worthless article.
They
come disguised
Have you ever heard the metaphor “Diamond in the
rough”? Yes you probably have. But have
you considered the reality of it? Has it occurred to you that many people you
meet as you go through life are going through a process? Life is not a bed of roses and nothing comes
easy. God did not promise any of us a smooth sail through life, so maybe it is
normal to go through hell and high waters in the process of attaining
greatness. Every one of us goes through tough times and we are at various
stages. While some are still battling with mud and miry clay, others have swum
through the river and are looking a bit more polished and clean. But the sad thing is that many are quick to
forget that they once were stuck in the mud and needed some help or attention.
Why are we quick to condemn people just because we do not consider them good
enough!? A lot of us are too busy to
take a closer look to find the solution, help or even beauty in “simple”
places/people. Has it occurred to you
that the young man, whom you consider worthless or inconsequential, may just be
the “diamond” you are searching for? There are many who moan and complain of
lack of love or help, not knowing that what they need is right around the corner.
Many have failed to see that sometimes, things of great quality are wrapped in
ordinary and unattractive packages. Yes, there are treasures in vessels of
clay.
Foolish
girls want “finished” men
To those of you who are still waiting for “Mr
Right”, I have a word for you. First let me ask you a couple of questions.
1. If
you were the one who asked Jesus for a man, what do you think He would have
said in response to you? Would he say “you have mistreated the one I sent to
you” or “you are not ready to be a wife yet”? Would he say “the last time I
sent you one you said he wasn’t your type”? Or “you looked down at the one I
sent you last time”. Be honest, what do you think Jesus would say to you if you
asked him for a man?
2. Are
you one of those who believe that once you get married, you have “entered your rest”?
Do you know that marriage is a call to “more work” rather than “rest”?
3. Are
you busy cat-walking past the right man because your eyes are set on “the
Hollywood” type man?
4. If
you were quarantined to an Island for the rest of your life and you are allowed
to choose one man to live in that island with, who will you choose? (Read Chapter
15 of Winning Ways for Wise Women –J C Gogo for tips).
When it comes to relationship/marriage, I believe
that the reason why many ladies make the wrong choice is because they have the
wrong vision and some others have misplaced priorities. Some know that the guy
they say is “just like a brother” or “just a friend” is probably the right
person for them. Not in every case though, but why would anyone think of
marrying someone who is not as close as a friend? Countless young ladies have
gone into marriage to later regret because they realize that the one whom they
married is not the one whom they can laugh, pray and play with.
Worse still, I think it is foolishness to want to
marry a man because he is “handsome and rich”. Need I say more? Read about these
and more in Winning Ways for Wise Women.
Click here to Order>
In Nigeria click here>
Your comments and/or questions are welcome!
Monday, January 20, 2014
You Can Be Phenomenal
Intro
I know everyone has a right
to his/her opinion or perspective, but I have a feeling that I’m not the only
one who has observed the unprecedented transformation our world has gone (and
is still going) through. Things have changed so much that even the blind can
see a whole new World. The advent of bigger
and faster air planes, development
of advanced communication systems, proliferation
of social networking and a new
generation of smart phones; these
and more tell us that we cannot maintain the status quo ante. The world is
moving forward and my dear ladies, you cannot afford to be left behind.
My new book “Winning Ways for Wise Women” was
written to motivate every lady to rise and take her place in the forefront.
Every woman can be productive and exceptional. Every woman can be phenomenal.
Here is a short extract from
the book:
You are too smart to be ordinary
The ideology of what we call
“Woman” has changed significantly in the 21st century. There is a
paradigm shift and the world has evolved and grown beyond the old-fashioned
pattern of life. It has its good and bad sides, but on a balance of
probabilities one should say there are advantages that we should consider great
gain. In those archaic days women thought themselves to be home keepers only
and a woman who is able to take care of the home front is considered to have
achieved something enormous. Some may say the old mentality was imposed on
women by some chauvinistic people and system; well, let us not argue that but
celebrate the accomplishments so far.
These days, the woman’s place
is not just in the home- the kitchen or bedroom, it is much more. Women now
play a vast array of roles in board rooms, politics, schools, hospitals,
mission field, ministries and many other areas. A woman can be a wife and still
be a student, work to support her family, lead a local church, run a business,
be a mother to her children and still be effective in her marital
responsibilities to her husband (if you know what I mean). Any woman, who must
succeed in this fast paced age, must find a way to balance between all these
without complaining or getting agitated about being overworked. As a matter of
fact, in recent times there are few women who are not involved in at least four
of the above. It is not an easy feat, but what exactly is easy these days!?
Stand out
Since things have changed, it
therefore becomes critical for you as a woman to change with the times; not to
the negative but to become progressive and take your place at the centre stage.
This requires a change of mentality. No one puts new wine in an old wine skin;
so also, no one can survive and achieve anything meaningful in this new age
with an old-school mentality. This is not a call to conform to worldly
standards, but a challenge to rise beyond traditional values and do what you
have to do to leave your footprint in the sands of time. But you cannot do this
without a renewed attitude and deliberate effort to rise and act; “You can’t
leave footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who
wants to leave buttprints in the sand of time?” -Anonymous. You must
aggressively challenge yourself to be a multi-dimensional woman, whose
lifestyle redefines acceptable standard for the women folks.
Questions and comments are welcome.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
When the water runs dry
Curled from "Committed To Purpose"
When I was a little boy, I liked to eat more than was required.
Because of my gluttony, I had this ‘handsome’ looking potbelly. You could spot
me amongst other children with my potbelly. I would eat myself to stupor such
that it became an issue. Apart from that, there was something unusual about my
eating habit; when I ate, I wanted the food to last forever. However, it was
never that way, so every meal ended with a loud cry for more food. In as much
as I wished the food would never finish, it had to finish. Everything that has
a beginning has an end. Every phase in life has a beginning and an end. Good
experience or bad experience, as long as it has a beginning you should expect
the end because it must come.
Consider the experience of Elijah the prophet who called down
fire from heaven without long nights of prayer, fasting or vigils. I mean
Elijah who declared to Ahab “…there shall not be dew nor rain these years but according
to my word” (1kings 17:1
KJV). His experience in the book of 1kings chapter 17 forms the content of this
chapter.
Elijah was a no nonsense prophet and he was bold enough to prove
this to anyone who came his way. In an attempt to get Ahab – one of the most unjust kings
that ever ruled Israel (cf. 1kings21:25) – to turn back to God, he declared that it would not
rain in the land for years. God had to back Elijah up, because he was God’s man and he must
not suffer with an unjust king and a godless generation.
“Go Eastward Elijah” God said “and hide beside the brook called
Cherith just before Jordan. You will drink from the brook
Cherith and I have instructed some ravens to feed you there” (my paraphrase)
Quickly Elijah packed his luggage and off he went to the brook
side. It was fun for Elijah to have more than enough, when everyone in
town was starving. Ravens brought him food morning and evening, and Elijah had
the pleasure of drinking from his private stream. I consider it a miracle for
those predatory, stingy birds that do not eat healthy food to feed Elijah.
Moreover, where were they supposed to find the bread they served Elijah?
However, this is God’s doing, He can use anyone and anything, anytime He
chooses. God made wonderful provision for Elijah and I can imagine the
excitement in his heart as the days went by. The joy of success, the
encouragement you get when things are working right, the applause you receive
when you do the right thing, the peace you have within when things work as
planned; these and more were the experience of Elijah the Tishbite.
Not too long, something happened. Only God knows how long it
took to happen but the author puts it very simple “And it came to pass
after a while …?” Good times should not end because such times bring you joy like
a river, unbelievable comfort and incomparable peace, the fun should continue
but “…after a while, the brook dried up” What a tragedy! Why should bad things happen to good people? Is there
something wrong with a righteous man having endless pleasure? Was it God that
did this or was it Satan the devil? How do we explain to the world that our God
lifted us up and afterwards let us down? Is it not disgraceful for someone to
have tasted palace life and then crash back to the slum? Can you imagine the
pain Elijah felt when the brook dried up and the ravens stopped delivering
fresh meat and bread?
Have you ever been there? I mean have you ever tasted glory or
affluence and suddenly you are down. You used to be wealthy, but now you cannot
even find money to eat breakfast. You used to have ideas without thinking much,
but now ideas are as scarce as diamonds. There was a time when you were the
“special one”, but right now, no one even remembers your name. It happens all
the time “after a while the brook dried up because there had been no rain
in the land”.
No, it is not disastrous that your source dried up, it is not
bad news. It is not that God broke your heart or that the devil showed up. It
only means that the “brook” is not a place of permanence. God did not make it a
place of retirement. Nevertheless, many times you see people who retire and
build an empire around their “brook”. It is juvenile to expect your “brook” to
be perpetual. No source will remain forever. Only God is our eternal source and He alone can
determine what, who and where He uses to provide for us. When a source opens
up, maximize it, but do not build the whole of your life around it. It is
dangerous to believe that a particular source will never end.
The “brook” experience is an opening, there are yet more sources
to open up and there is a higher level yet ahead. If the Lord brought you to
the “brook”, then you can be sure that there is something bigger and better in
store for you, so instead of blaming God, the devil, your family, friends or
neighbours, why don’t you look up for marching orders! Do not blame yourself,
do not blame your enemies, and do not blame your family, friends, leaders or
your country’s economy. Rather than play the blame game “…stand up and lift up your heads, because your
redemption is drawing near” (Luke 21:28 NIV). Just like David declared “I will lift up mine eyes unto
the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord…” (Psalm 121:1-2 KJV), when things
fall apart and you cannot understand them, it is time to look up.
Your help does not come from anywhere else, not even the
“brook”; it comes from the Lord. Take your eyes away from the dead situation,
forget the source that is closed up, the Lord says, “look unto me, and be
ye saved” (Isaiah 45:22 KJV). You are not finished yet, God is not
through with you yet, look up to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith
(cf. Hebrews 12:2). Look up and live! The more you look at the “dried brook”,
the more depressed, disgruntled and disillusioned you get. Look up, for your lifting
is near. Each time a door shuts, God is saying that your lifting is near. Yes,
He is your glory and the lifter up of your head (cf. Psalm 3:3).
Elijah did not have to cry to attract the ‘pity crew’, he did
not curse God or blame the devil for his predicament, he did not even loose one
night sleep; he looked up and the Lord looked down on him and said “Arise …” . When you see the word “arise” in
the bible, pay close attention to it, the addressee is either in a comfort zone
or in a state of despair. It is possible to stay in your comfort zone and
forget that there are greater heights to attain. The “brook” most times, keeps
people so comfortable that they do not want to move forward. That is the reason
why the enemy of your best is the good that you have. As I take a deeper look
into the situation at hand, it seems to me that Elijah had settled by the brook
Cherith. By ‘settled’, I mean ‘pitching
a tent’. It looks like he made the brook a place of permanent abode, so God
said to him “arise, this is not the end, get up, the journey continues”.
In case your “brook” has not dried up yet and you have pitched
your tent by the brook, God is saying you should rise up and move higher. The
best is yet ahead. The glory of tomorrow is greater than that of yesterday and today. It does not
matter how sweet, exciting and productive this level is; there is something and
somewhere much better than where you are, therefore rise and move up. The more
you remain at this level, the more you lose sight of greatness. A Latin proverb says “qui non proficit, deficit”, meaning to say, “He who does not progress,
regresses”. If things are going well right now, still keep moving,
do not stop or else it will amount to regression.
To those of you, who right now are in a state of despair, I mean
those who are down in frustration, God also says “arise”. You do not have to
settle for defeat. You do not have to live forever with a “dried brook”. Get
up, awake from your misery and look ahead, for something better is in the
offing. The children of Israel got to that point where they laid
down in the dust. They stayed so long in the dust that they became complacent.
God had to wake and shake them up “Awake, awake, put on thy strength O Zion; put on thy beautiful garments …
shake thyself from the dust…” (Isaiah 52:1-2 KJV).
Wake up and go forward, says the Lord. The experiences of your
past and present, all work together for your good (cf. Romans 8:28). The good and the beautiful, the bad and the terrible,
the ugly and the frightening – all things work together for your good.
Monday, October 28, 2013
What’s love got to do with it?
In my opinion, the right time to negotiate and talk about
what you can and cannot accept in a relationship is before the two parties
agree to marry. The first time you feel you like her/him, is the best time to
start asking questions about their likes/dislikes, dreams/visions/,
faith/belief, attraction and other basic issues. When you get closer and
believe that two of you have even the slimmest chance of getting married, you
may want to go deeper and talk about more serious topics like finances, sex,
family and future expectations. Not talking about these issues early can be
dangerous because when you get very close and your hearts have begun to get fond
of each other, it may be difficult to break off. Trying to detach from a
relationship after you have become emotionally involved with someone can be
very painful. Some may want to say it is better to break a relationship when you
realize that you two have more disagreements than agreements, more
misunderstanding than understanding, but maybe it is much better to not even
agree to marry, than to start and then break it halfway thereby hurting
yourselves. Before the two of you bond, before you become very attached, before
you get to the point where you spend close to half or most of your time
thinking about and missing him/her, make sure you know the basic things about
them to determine if he/she meets your expectation of a spouse.
Overrated self
Sometimes when I listen to some single people say the things
they expect from their prospective spouse, I smile and wonder why some people
have bogus expectations.
·
A lady is five (5) feet tall, wears a size
sixteen (16), can barely lift herself off the bed to workout and has a “vision”
that she will marry a six feet tall well built handsome man who works out daily.
Are you being fair on the man?
·
A man has
a three (3) feet long pot belly, can barely express himself in his lingua
franca, couldn’t finish high school and is still struggling to make ends meet,
yet he insists that he must marry a slim (size 6) Master degree holder who
works with a transcontinental company and owns a thriving business. If the table
was turned and you were the better person, would you think it is a fair deal if
you got one like that?
Even the holy book says no one should see himself more
highly than he/she is. It is not only spurious to have such imbalanced expectations;
I think it is also stupid. It is not feasible to expect someone to give you
what you cannot give. Before you set a standard, it is wise to look at
yourself, consider your peculiar condition and then determine what is good for
you. Evaluate yourself honestly and demand for what you deserve. This does not
mean you should not have a big vision. It only means your vision should not be
something that will take divine intervention to achieve. You should also be
what you expect from the other party, after all the vision is yours why not be
“it” too.
When love is not
enough
I have always believed that when there is love, marital
happiness is guaranteed. I didn’t think there was anything love could not
handle. Maybe, it not wrong, but I think it should be rephrased to “all things being equal, when there is love,
happiness is guaranteed”. This is so because I realized that you can love
someone but for certain reasons you may not be able to have marital bliss with
them. Take for instance, two young fellows were in love with each other, but
they later realized that they are cousins and could not marry. What do they do?
Or, like someone asked on this blog, how can a man have marital bliss with a
woman who says she does not enjoy what is given to couples for pleasure? If
she does not find pleasure in sex, should she probably marry the other man who
is desperate to marry but is impotent? If love is all that matters,
should a sexually active lady stay with a lover who is impotent?
How about some people who are in love but found out that
they cannot have children as a couple due to certain conditions like Rhesus
factor? This does not mean that the man or woman is infertile, but that the
woman’s womb cannot carry the pregnancy of certain men and this man happens to
be one of such. Yes they are probably incompatible for marriage, but there are
many people in such condition who are truly in love; what should they do? Is
love enough to hold them together even though they may never have children together?
Should they break-up and look for someone more compatible? Is there a time when
love is not good enough?
Deal or no deal?
I asked fifty (50) men and fifty (50) women between ages 25-50
to name one major thing they consider a deal breaker. I wanted to know that one
thing they cannot take and that will end their relationship. Thirty two (32)
women and nineteen (19) men responded. Reading through their responses, I
thought that some of them, like not liking to kiss, sports club they support
and fashion sense, are a bit too trivial to break a relationship. Race, tribe,
social status, denomination, and a couple others I consider not that critical
an issue to break a relationship. Interestingly, seven (7) out of the fifty-one
(51) responses I received said nothing was strong/bad enough to make them break
a relationship with someone they love. Many men and women mentioned the same
things and I have categorized them into the following:
1)
Incompatibility in major areas
2)
Unfaithfulness
3)
Fat and out of shape
4)
Habitual liar
5)
Physical and verbal abuse
6)
Too skinny
7)
Trust issues
8)
Unwillingness to improve
9)
Illiteracy
10)
Drug use/Smoking
11)
Insecurity
12)
Dishonesty
13)
Indiscipline
14)
Over 10
inches shorter or taller
15)
Not of the
same faith
16)
Cheating
with same sex
17)
Dirtiness
18)
Much older
or much younger
19)
Impotence/frigidity
20)
Violence
21)
Lack of
self control
22)
Bestiality
23)
Laziness
Is there something you think should be on this list? Is
there any of the above you think should not be there?
One person’s deal breaker may not be the other person’s deal
breaker. For instance, I use to think that unfaithfulness was a no, no for most
people until a young lady said she had gone back to the man who cheated on her
with her close friend while they were still courting. I thought that no one
should stay in an abusive relationship, until a young lady sent me a message
that she had married the man who beat her several times. I never thought any
one could marry someone who cheated on them with an animal until someone said “love
is stronger than death, maybe there is a reason why they did it”. It is
a matter of belief and perspective. Maybe, love is all that matters, or is it? What
do you think? Let me know your thoughts.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Don’t marry this woman!
A couple of men sent me messages asking for tips on how to
choose the right woman, especially after the article “would you play Russian
roulette with your heart?” So, here we go!
Before you say “I do”
Before we start, let us first understand the purpose of
marriage. I know we live in a twisted world where things are all muddled up,
but everything has a purpose and its right timing. Marriage is a good thing and
whoever finds a wife, happy is he. Every woman may have potential to be a good
wife but only one woman is built with all you need to be happy. Therefore every
man has to take time to understand the purpose of marriage, the right time for
marriage and the right person to marry. You may be a joyful, young and
flourishing man right now, if you marry the wrong woman, your sorrows just
began. Let us ask a few questions and seek for answers:
Q: Why does a man need a wife?
A: For:
1) Companionship- At some point in life a man would need to
have a companion with whom he can share his joys, pains and challenges. When he
feels a void inside and when “hanging with the boys” no longer gives him the
satisfaction and happiness he needs, that is when a man needs a wife.
2) Help/support- As a boy, he probably was busy doing what
boys do-play around, show-off to girls, go back home to mama, eat and sleep.
But when he becomes a man, his brain swings into action, thinking of how to make
an income. Some men go for further training, others look for a job and yet
others start a business. Many get so busy working to meet up and take care of
their responsibility that they get overworked (emotionally, physically and
psychologically); that’s why they need a wife to support them in every area.
Note: If you are still a boy who is not working to take care of business, then
you don’t need any help.
3) Procreation- One of the reasons for marriage is to raise
children. Although nowadays, many people choose to have children before
marriage, in the beginning it was not so. No man should think of making babies
until he is ready to shoulder the responsibility of feeding, clothing and
training them. In those days, part of parental responsibility was saving up
money to give children the best education, these days people make babies without
adequate preparation. Having children is a good thing, but no man should make
babies when he is not ready to provide for them. If you can’t foot the bill,
zip-up until you are ready. Read more here:
http://coach-jasper.blogspot.
4) Balance- I wonder what it would look like if the world
was full of men only. Unimaginable! If the world was full of only women,
erm…maybe we would have lots of sweet smelling flowers everywhere, cute bow
shaped ribbons all over the streets, huge mirrors on phones, cars, trains,
aircrafts, and in most public places so ladies can adjust themselves very
often. The whole world would probably be decorated with so many pretty things;
but it would be beauty and sweetness of a boring proportion. Men are the
opposite of women so we probably expect the exact opposite if the world was all
men. What men are not is what women are. For example, a man’s body is strong
and muscular but a woman is built soft and tender. This is not bad but all
good. It is the reason why men need women and women need men- for balance. A
man’s mindset/lifestyle may be one-sided but when he marries, she is expected
to help him find a balance.
Q: When is a man ready for marriage?
A:
• When he
knows his purpose. If he does not know why he is here, he definitely is not
ready to marry. The first challenge before every man (indeed everyone), is to
know why you are here. Many young men are still struggling to figure out what
they are here for. It is not wise to start a relationship while you are yet to
understand what it is you are here to do. When you understand why you are here,
then we can say you are half ready for life.
• When he
is matured. Marriage is not for boys but for men. It is for those who are
physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. And please do not ask
me what age is the right age. It is not about the number; when you meet a
matured man, you don’t need anyone to tell you how matured he is. A matured man
is emotionally stable, mentally strong, has a clear vision of where he is
heading, and of course, physically developed.
• When he
has work. Marriage is for men who are busy with work and need help to do what
they do. It is unfortunate that these days many boys go into marriage because
they think they have to, even when they are not ready. An idle man needs work
and not a wife. A working man needs a wife. “Work” does not necessarily mean a
regular office job. It could be a project you are working on. Art, design,
farming, fishing, photography, writing, mission, computer, fashion, ministry,
weaving, import/export, real-estate, acting, carpentry, music, research…it
could be a small venture you are working on, you just got to have work. When
your work grows beyond what you alone can handle, you probably need a wife to
come in and help you; not only to help you work better, but to help you in
every area. Women are built to help and support, and where you don’t have
anything that needs support, you don’t need her.
• When he
is ready to lead his family. No man should think of marriage if he is not ready
to be a leader. In marriage, a man exercises his leadership prowess which he
has developed over time. This is not to say he has to know everything about
leadership or be a very strong leader, but he has to know the basic principles
and methods of leadership. I believe that as part of preparation for marriage,
every man should be taught leadership. God has put the responsibility of
leading the family on the man. Before marriage comes preparation and part of
the preparation is developing leadership skills.
• When he
is strong enough. Marriage is not for the weak. It is for the strong. Just like
in other aspects of life, a married man will face lots of challenges from work,
family and friends. If you are not strong enough, you would probably crumble
under the pressure and hurt the people who care about you. Many men have
destroyed their marriages because they do not have enough strength to handle
life. Others have abandoned their responsibility and ran away because their
strength failed them. It takes courage to be a husband, until you have such
courage; you are not ready for marriage.
Don’t try bending a dry wood
While some things can easily bend, others are tough to bend
and many others would never bend. For instance, there is a limit to which you
can bend a dry wood. Some would break as you try to bend them and others would
bend a little bit before breaking. Same goes to women. There is a woman who
will easily and willingly bend for you. When it comes to choosing a life partner,
a man should not be thinking of a woman he can bend but one who bends to
him on her own accord.
Any woman who is not ready to bend and submit to you cannot
be your wife. Contrary to popular belief, submission is not a difficult task
for women. Every woman has somebody they naturally will submit to, if you are
not that man, then she is not your woman. It is nothing to fight or fuss over.
If you realize that she is not submissive to you, it is better to look for
another rather than to go into marriage and realize that you are walking alone.
If you do not find her submissive, then don’t expect her to develop it after
you marry her. The morning tells the day. If she is not submissive to you, she
may never be. It is frustrating to have a wife who does not submit to your
leadership, so I advice you to make sure you find one who respects you enough
to submit to you.
Believers or deceivers?
Never marry a woman who does not believe in you and your
vision. Never! Understand that when a woman does not believe in you, she is
against you and when the one who you love and trust is against you, you are
treading on treacherous ground. The pain and frustration is inexplicable. When
you start dating, one key thing you must do is to identify if your vision
excites her. If it does not, please my friend, she is not the one. Do not
forget that your wife is someone who complements you, if she does not believe
in whom you are and what you do then how can she complement you? How can she
help you? Someone may be wondering “can a woman be in love with a man and not
believe in his vision?” Oh yes! Things happen these days. For some reason, some
women do not see the importance of accepting some men’s vision. Some believe
that they can love but not be committed to their husband’s vision. As a matter
of fact, some women would marry one man but give their support to another man’s
vision. I’m not sure what leads to this. I don’t really understand how, one can
be in love with a man but not believe in his vision. Or maybe she believed in
him and his vision but something changed after they got married. Honestly, whatever it is, do not wait to
become a victim of this to understand how and why it happens. Don’t be
deceived, if she does not believe in your vision, she is not the one.
Partnership that works
I have always told men to choose a wife whose purpose is
complementary to theirs. If, for instance, your purpose is to be “bread”, you
would need to marry someone whose purpose complements yours. Maybe you should
marry “butter”, or “milk” or probably “cheese”. Why would you want to marry
“sand” or “stick” or “cotton wool”, when you are “bread”? How does that
complement or enhance your purpose? Your wife should be someone who complements
you. She should help you become a more useful “you” while you help her become
more relevant. Your wife should be the woman who brings out the best in you.
To complement is not the same as to compete. Couples should
never be in competition to outshine each other, rather, each should find ways
to promote and push the other to the top and in doing so, both parties rise to
greatness. But where they are rivals, none of them progresses because when one
comes up with a creative idea to bring about growth, the other castigates and
puts it down. So guys, in choosing the right woman for marriage, make sure she
is one who balances and enhances what you are.
#Quotes: By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher-Socrates
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Would you play Russian roulette with your heart?
One of the most common issues I deal with daily is about
relationships. “Don’t you think I’m ready to be married?” “Who do I marry among
all my suitors?” “How do I know if he is for real?” “When should I start
dating?” “Are there warning signs I should look out for?” I thought to pen down
some of my thoughts here so every one else can benefit.
A choice that could
help or hurt you
I see the frustration expressed by many young single ladies
when they get to a certain age range and don’t have the right man; but like I
say, why allow worry harm your health now and damage your future!? It may take
you a long time before you find the right person with whom you will be happy,
but it is worth the wait. So many people do not like to hear anything else when
they believe they are old enough, so they rather play Russian roulette with
their hearts. Who plays such games with their heart!? Who gambles with such a
sensitive and important life decision like marriage?
Of serious concern also, is the speed at which many people
who claim they have been hurt, rush into another relationship/marriage.
Recently I was talking with a young lady who told me how much her ex hurt her
and how she had learnt her lesson. The way she sounded as she wailed and
lamented about how miserable she was, weakened me and honestly, if I was not
tough, maybe I would have cried with her. Two weeks later, while I was still
feeling her pains, she said she wanted to tell me about some other “nice” guy
she just met. I couldn’t say a word for almost thirty seconds. And she goes;
“it is not like that, he is such a nice guy and he is very tender, loving and
caring. If you meet him you will like him”. “But that was exactly what you said
about the last one that hurt you” I said, “what makes you think he is better?”
Is it just me or does anybody else out there think some people are in too much
of a hurry to get into a relationship? Doesn’t nature teach us that healing
takes time? Are you not aware that half-healed is as dangerous as not healed?
For those who are ready and need a little advice on how to
make the right choice, here are a few tips
Friendship
I’m going to talk about friendship and love as if they are
the same because I believe that a friend loves at all times and without
friendship love cannot grow. I admit that developing friendship is a process;
it might take a while but when you develop friendship you’ll be glad. As you
develop friendship you get more understanding of each other. Your friend is someone
you can laugh, play, pray, cry and share trivialities with. A friend is not
perfect but because you two can talk about everything
it makes it easier to flow and face challenges together. Your friend is not
necessarily someone who condones your mediocrity; it is the one who makes you
uncomfortable to live lower than you ought to. When you meet that friend, you
will continue to improve, learn and grow. A friend never allows you stay
stagnant
I have heard some ladies say “he is my very good friend and
I cannot date or marry him” and I’m bewildered. Maybe that statement has
another meaning but if it means that he is too close to be a husband, then you
are making a mistake. I think friendship is the main fiber that holds a
relationship together and if you find a friend in him/her, you should take it
further. Never think of going into a lifetime venture like marriage with
someone who you cannot share, laugh and play with. If you don’t have the bond
of friendship, don’t make it permanent.
Compatibility
In my opinion, the reason why many relationships fail is
because the two people involved are unequally yoked. Many people have a wrong
idea of compatibility. Some think it means being the same. It is not. It might
mean being in agreement about most things, but it does not mean being the same.
Two hot-headed people may not make it because neither of them would want to
calm down for the other. Two very slow people may have a very boring marriage
because none of them has the “heat” to warm up the relationship. Compatibility
means that even though you are different, you two are able to find a common
ground and can operate harmoniously. It means that you two can agree and work
together. Two of you should be able to perform tasks without arguing and
fighting all the time. If you two can hardly agree on anything, there is a good
chance that you will not make a good couple.
Passion
When someone is not passionate about life or what they do,
it is not a good sign. We are passionate beings. It could be Sports, School,
Church or Business; you got to be passionate about something. If he has
passion, it should also show when he is in love. If he is not passionate about
anything, then two things:
1) He might not have the drive to
make income to care for his family
2) He probably would not be
passionate even about his relationship.
That is not to say you should not settle with him, it is to
let you know what to expect before you sign the dotted lines.
The law of thermodynamics states that “Energy cannot be
created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another”
Passion is not like skill or trade. You can teach someone a
trade but you cannot teach them passion. It cannot be created, you either have
it or you do not. Someone can go to school to train as a teacher but no one can
give him/her the passion to communicate to her students. Show me a passionate
person and I show you someone whose spirit cannot be quenched. You do not need
many words to motivate a passionate person; but nothing you say will get a
slipshod person off their butt. Trying to motivate a non passionate person is
like trying to wake up the dead. If you are that anointed, save it for
something more important. As you search for the “chosen one”, make sure you
look for someone with passion.
Never settle with an
idle person
Whoever you want to settle with must not be idle. An idle
mind, they say, is the devil’s workshop. He/she must have work and work is not
necessarily an office job. If he is not doing anything then he/she is not ready
for Marriage. This a key factor to consider my dear ladies. You have no
business relating with idle boys. It is alright if he is a student, especially
if you are not going to marry him while he is still in school. But let him be a
student who is industrious and ambitious. You can know what someone is capable
of doing in the future by what they do right now. Many students are very
industrious. They find ways to make income; holiday jobs, businesses and etc.
Most of such students go on to be very prosperous after school.
Do not let anyone fool you by telling all those “pipe
dreams”; making you feel like they have great plans. If you do not see what
they are doing right now, then you can be certain that they are up to no good.
By what they do now, you know what they can do tomorrow.
There are so many more tips for singles. Let me have your
ideas and let us discuss further. I have
made it easier for everyone to comment, so send me your comments and questions.
I’ll be ready to respond.
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