Update or Upgrade?

In the last few weeks, I have spent time dealing with issues of Domestic abuse and the likes; honestly, I didn’t know how bad people were hurting until I wrote on that subject. I got several inboxes and emails highlighting some very sad experiences.  I have learnt that people are going through stuff and, yes, we will continue the campaign and help those who need it. But today, I thought to take a break and address some other “less pressing” matters.

Modified Lifestyle

One thing I like about our modern lifestyle is that we have access to lots of goodies. Internet access, faster computers, smarter phones, brilliant machines, more interesting fashion, and “faster” foods are just a few of the things we enjoy in this contemporary age. We have all sorts of social media and Apps that some claim seem to have helped communications, like Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, Viber, Tango, Skype, Hangouts, Instagram, YouTube and many more. It may not be all good, but I, for one, have benefited from lots of them. For instance, I can skype with friends and family from anywhere in the world. Amazing!

Although we may have improved means of communication, I am not too sure if it has improved communication. What I see sometimes are confused people who misinform us about their real life or those who wash their dirty underclothes in public. Maybe it has made life better, but again, maybe it has made things more complicated.

I do not think many people understand exactly the purpose of social media; or is it me? Maybe I’m taking it too seriously, but honestly, some people’s status updates worry me. Some people do not know that by their tweets or updates, we can clearly see their confusion or even their retrogression. Some are funny but stupid still. For instance, a young girl gets married and a few days later she smiles at the camera, takes a picture, posts it on Facebook and writes “marriage is good, join me friends”. She takes another one and writes “Me and my hubby, enjoyment galore”. Some of her bold single friends would reply, “Congrats!” One word! Her updates for the next few weeks look like this: 2^nd week “My husband is the best man in the world”. “Thank God for my marriage” 3^rd week “God is good to me and my husband”. 4^th week  “If not for God, where would I be”  Let’s fast-forward to 6 months later “I trust in God and not man” “The arm of flesh will fail you” By the 8^th month we know what is happening as she writes “What kind of life is this?” “Sad”. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper”. And finally she spills “must everyone marry?”

I hear that some girls don’t pray over their food anymore, they just put their phones over their food, take a picture of it and put on Facebook/twitter/BB and say “my lunch for today”. I have nothing about anybody’s update or pictures, but who post pictures that do not show progress?  Why would you put a picture of yourself showing unclean under arm or rumpled clothes? Why should your recent picture be worse than the one you posted last year? Many times we can “read” people’s mood swing by their tweet and status updates and I wonder “do they have a clue what impression they portray?” Today they speak well and sound excited but the next day they sound frustrated and needy. We saw your picture last year, your recent picture does not show improvement; you had a few “love handles’ last year, but now it’s much more. Last year you looked like you had some money but now you look broke. Maybe it is nobody’s business what you say on your Twitter or Facebook pages, but do you really think it makes sense to talk down your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend in public? Who does that? Who takes family matter to the public?

Upgrade

I believe that what we need to see is more of how you have improved in life rather than some of those things we see. Maybe what people need to see on your update is how you have upgraded yourself. How about a picture of you showing how hard work pays off? What about something that shows you look better than you used to be? It will be nice to see you graduating from college or earning a university degree, post-graduate degree or probably a PhD. Smart people use social media to promote their business, faith, or just talk about politics or social activities. I do not think it is sensible to show the world your indiscretions; if you do not have anything to say or show the world, understand that sometimes silence is golden. It is better for you to be silent and people think you are smart, than to say something and prove them wrong. And don’t be fooled, many people who like, comment or retweet your posts laugh at you secretly. You do not see most of them when they comment anyway!! If only you can see the “heart of men”, you will be wise about what you post to the public. If you must say anything, let it give a good impression of you. If you must post any picture, let it show your progress. #justmythoughts

The Beauty and The Beast

The Hilarious

Life is not always a smooth sail. We all have ups and downs. Sometimes the hard times overwhelm some people and they cry and some worry; others carry the load for as long as they can before they break down. But in the last few years I have learnt to take a break from stress and look for fun things to help relax my mind and get refreshed. Over the weekend, thinking about my childhood, I remembered a lot of things I have not had time to laugh about. For instance, as a kid we used to sing some songs which we considered “worship songs”. When I grew up I realized how ignorant we were. I wouldn’t have shared the song, but I know some of my readers would skin me if I don’t. So here it goes:

 “Amebo ele mu, Amebo ele mu, Igo meji meji, igo meji meji lo ngbe Amebo ele mu”.

Most of us in that kids worship crew didn’t know what it meant and as a matter of fact, we sang the song with interjections of “halleluiah”, “Jesus” and “amen” in between making it feel holy and acceptable to God. I was so tickled and laughed exuberantly when I learnt the meaning. “Amebo” is the name of a gossip who sells local beer in the neighborhood pub. In a popular soap that aired on the Nigerian national TV in the 80s, village men gathered at her bar every evening after work to take some shots of her local brew. When they get drunk, they sing this song to celebrate their home grown star, Amebo. Here is the meaning:

 “Amebo the beer seller, Amebo the beer seller, two bottles, she serves two bottles each, Amebo the beer seller”.

For one second can you imagine four children within the age group 7-9 singing that song, in tears, hands raised and eyes closed as we sang to the Lord a song of worship?

You might agree with me that as children we did some stupid stuff. There is no doubt we were sincere when we sang that song, but did our sincerity make it right? Would God say “they are sincerely ignorant kids so let me accept their worship”? Maybe not! We were probably blessed that He overlooked our ignorance. We were ignorant, but it didn’t make it right.

The beastly

Lately we have been considering the issue of domestic abuse and its devastating effects on people’s lives. The feedback I received from my last two articles opened my eyes and informed me that several people are really hurting from this ravaging plague and a lot others need urgent help. I’m not too sure of which story to share and which not to, but it has reached a sickening proportion that silence on this matter would be considered worse than wickedness. Someone sent me a photo to show what her boy friend did to her. It was a sad sight to behold. Another young man sent me an email asking for help from a woman who has made him her sex slave. He works for her and his job is to have sex with her three times a day and when he does not meet the target he is not paid. As if that is not enough, the woman performs some very weird and beastly acts on him during intercourse and when he complains about the injury inflicted upon him, he gets beaten. He had tried to escape many times but this woman is influential in their community and so far his prison breaks has always been futile. A couple other women wrote in to tell me stories about how they have been mistreated in their homes by their husbands/lovers and some sent pictures to show the extent of damage done to them. 

A lady who just had a baby two weeks ago by caesarean section got a serious beating from her “husband” who also threatened to kill her. She said it was not the first time he hit her but that this time it was worse and now she is afraid that he might actually carry out his threat. Afraid for her life, she consulted a few friends and leaders, sadly they encouraged her to bear it and have faith in God that the man would change.

Contending with a sick culture

Most of the people who contacted me for help claim that they have tried to get help from friends, family and even their places of worship and no one seem to come up with any reasonable solution due to some strange cultural practices. Now, what culture encourages abuse!? Is it culture or are people afraid of something else?  I understand that for some reason, separation and divorce is not an acceptable practice in many places, but I don’t understand why people would not think of a reasonable solution when someone’s life is in danger. Someone may ask “what’s the proof of danger?” If someone shows up with a black eye, what more proof do we need? In any case even without any proof, if someone says he/she is afraid of sleeping at night because they are afraid of being hurt, should he/she not be taken serious? If anyone says they are abused can we look into the matter rather than confess faith or pray? Is fear of a spouse not enough indication of domestic abuse?

Why do we tell someone who has been hurt by a partner to hold on and keep faith when we can do more? Why are we subjecting people to bondage just because we want to keep a good name?  Is there not a better way to keep the abused safe while trying to foster peace? It beats me how some people hide their ignorance behind culture but if your culture is causing harm to people, then away with such culture. Life is more precious than any culture or belief. We cannot hold on to culture while our sons and daughters are bruised, battered and killed. There has to be a change. We can no longer continue to live in denial; there are abused people around us everyday and they need urgent help. It is time for us to break free from primitive cultures and reach out and help the needy. The only culture that makes sense right now is the one that upholds the sanctity of human life. So let’s all look around us and find a way to help hurting people in our neighborhoods. Luckily, domestic abuse is one thing that does not hide; it is easy to identify:

·       When you ask someone about their spouse and  they tell you “it is well” then something is not right

·       When a woman breaks into tears during a conversation related to her relationship, it is a sign

·       If he/she fears their spouse, there may be abuse

·       If he/she gets intimidated by their spouse in public, you know that’s not a good sign

·       Most abusive people have a bad temper so most people married to bad tempered men/women are abused. Look for other signs

·       If someone often shows up with strange injuries, it could be a sign of abuse

·       Overly possessive people in many cases are also abusive, so if you have a friend/colleague/family member whose partner is extremely possessive, he/she might be abused

·       If someone is abruptly Ostracized from the public, check, there might be abuse

·       A sudden change in temperament is a sign of abuse

·       If someone clearly says they have been beaten, even if it is once, that’s abuse. It could get worse, offer to help

Message to the rookies

Maybe it is almost late to save some bad marriages, but there is a lot we can do to help those who are still single. If you are single, here are a few tips to help you choose a good partner:

·       Make sure your purpose compliments his/her purpose

·       Whatever you do, please marry because you are in love and not due to pressure

·       Get counsel from experienced people before you choose a spouse (ladies, ask your father/male leader/male mentor to give you an honest assessment of the man you intend to marry. Guys ask your mum/female leader/female mentor to give you an honest assessment of the woman you intend to marry)

·       Ladies, never marry a man who cannot lead you

·       Look for signs of violence. If he/she has a bad temper, in your best interest don’t go any further

·       If your self esteem drops during the relationship, you might be in the wrong relationship

·       Never marry anyone who does not respect you

·       If he/she ever hits you (at most once), end it immediately

·       Whoever yells at you, especially in public, will do much more when you get married.

·       If he/she is always suspicious of your every move, it is a sign of more serious problems ahead

·       If your date mostly ends up in a fight, advice yourself. You may be in the wrong relationship

·       If you have more sad than happy days, it’s a bad sign

·       If you are not good friends, you cannot make a good couple.

Tragic end to a miserable marriage

Several abusive marriages have ended in the death of the abused partner. If only families, friends and the communities in which they lived had intervened, the story would have ended differently. A woman I know was beaten by her husband until she passed out. He left her motionless body in the house and went to the pub to drink, when he came back late that night she had cleaned the whole house, had a bath, prepared dinner and left a portion for him on the dinning table. When he came back she went to meet him at the door, knelt down and asked for his forgiveness. This was not the first time she had been beaten by the wild man. A few weeks after their wedding, she showed up in church wearing sun shades. Her pastor had described her as an angel who loved God, loved every one and would not attempt anything that was unholy; to see her with sun shades on a rainy day was suspicious. But she told the pastor she had an accident in her house.

When her husband saw how close she was to the leaders and members of their local church, he moved the family to an isolated town which meant she had to look for another church and make new friends. She left her job, family and friends and started a new isolated life with her husband. The night in question, after she had prepared dinner and apologized to him, they made up and as usual he asked for sex and she did not resist.

Early in the morning the man woke up and rushed to get ready for work. Something didn’t look normal. Usually his wife would have been up and getting breakfast ready for him. But this time she was still asleep. When asked what happened that morning, the husband said “after calling out to her a couple of times without response, I went to the room to wake her up and I found her dead”.

The police said she died of a “natural cause”, but her close friend said she sent a text the night before saying “good night girl, see you when I see you”. Her friend, the recipient of that text, said she was a beautiful woman who married a beast. She had told her of all the times she was beaten, how she had told the police of her problem without help, how her family told her they had no room for her if she left her marriage and even how the church told her they did not believe in divorce. Her good friend believes she must have chosen to exit her marriage by poisoning herself, a view her husband denies claming they were happy even though they had one or two misunderstandings.

Take a stand

We may never know the whole truth about what happened to that beautiful lady and who or what killed her, but many people will not go blameless on account of her death. Her family may be hurting but could they have done something to save her life? How about her friend who knew the story, could she have raised alarm? Her church may claim ignorance of her condition or of what they could have done to help, but does it make their action acceptable?

We can all do something to make sure we never loose anyone else to domestic abuse. Take a stand. Make a positive move to help someone who has been abused. We can make a difference. We can cause a change. Help save a life. #StoptheAbuse

Living in BondRage – A sequel to Paradox of Rotten Eggs

Intro

There is massive rise in domestic violence and now it has reached a disquieting proportion. A child was tied hands and feet to a pole and tortured for several weeks just because he stole his father’s money. No it was not a lot of money, it was about 20 dollars. Another young girl had very spicy pepper smeared on her genitals because she was seen standing along the streets talking to a boy. It was not as if they were seen doing any obscene thing(s), her offense was that she spent time with a boy and her punishment was to grease her privates with spicy red hot pepper! A mother cut over twenty-five holes on her son’s body as a penalty for lying. A woman who had suspected that her husband was cheating on her tried to get a confession from him and when he denied she beat him to pulp and decapitated his penis. A young preacher was rushing out to church one Sunday morning and his wife asked for some money. He said he didn’t have any money but his offering at that moment and would attend to her when he gets back from church. She couldn’t wait. In the “heat of the moment” she poured a hot pot of freshly cooked red soup on him and kicked him out of the house. He did not sustain much burn, but I think he lost his left eye. A woman I know was beaten by her husband until she passed out. He left her motionless body in the house and went to the pub to drink, when he came back late that night…you would not believe what had happened; she had cleaned the whole house, had a bath, prepared dinner and left a portion for him on the dinning table. When he came back she went to meet him at the door, knelt down and asked for his forgiveness. What happened next? Continue to read till the end.

Domestic violence happens every day and it affects children, men and women.

OutRAGEous  

At the root of every violent act is a bad temper. Where ever you find violence, you can trace it to a bad temper. I do not understand how some people allow themselves to be influenced by what someone called “the spirit of rage”. I know that people have a way of getting on your nerves, but some of us have learnt how not to allow anybody or anything unsettle us to the point of breaking out with violence. Not because we are super-humans but because we have learnt how to control our temper. I looked up the synonym for the word control:

·       Manage

·       Be in charge of

·       Have power over

·       Be in command of.

Everybody has a temper but some have learnt to manage it well. When you lose your temper you are completely out of control which means you are not in charge. It means that something else has taken over your spirit, mind and body. Letting your temper rule, means you are under the influence of a strange power. That is why, in many cases, people do not come to themselves until they have done harm. Have you heard about people who “woke up” after they had stabbed someone several times? Did you read about the woman who stabbed her suckling baby 90 times because he bit her while she was breastfeeding him? Read about it here: http://newsone.com/2631948/xiao-bao/ . What would you call that? Some would say a demon spirit came upon her or she was depressed or maybe she has a mental problem. Maybe it is all of the above. She lost it. She lost her mind. She lost control. It is absolutely despicable.

It may not be the same proportion of violence, but I believe that the same rage is what makes a mother hit her child on the face. Same spirit makes a man hit a woman. It is same loss of control that makes a woman attack her man. I do not mean to say that children should not be disciplined when they do wrong or that men should not correct their wives when they ere; I mean to say that whatever you do in anger can hardly ever be decent. Almost everything done in anger result in hurt and regrets. So maybe there is a more excellent way to discipline without abusing.

Discipline VS Abuse

I see many people abuse their children and when you ask they say it is discipline. But discipline does not seek to inflict pain. How can you hit a child with your bare hand and say it is discipline? I am a very firm or sometimes very hard leader, but I never at any point hit anyone with my hands. Do you know why? It is because when someone misbehaves and needs to be disciplined I take my time, go get the cane which acts as the rod of correction; then I start by explaining why I need to whip the fellow and how many strokes is good enough for the offense. Sometimes I explain the right place to “plant” the whip. If I was angry, I would have calmed down between the time I go fetch the cane and when I finish the explanation. Not once did I flog anyone in anger, I usually smile. But many people get angry and hit the person right there and then using their bare hands. That is violence. That is abuse.

NB: In the past I whipped children and young people before I learnt a better way. If you use the right strategy, you do not need to lash anyone.

Discipline is done in love and love is never violent. Discipline seeks to correct and if you use the right approach you may not even need to raise your voice. Discipline is intended to help people improve and if it is not done nicely it is misunderstood. But how do you describe a punch on the chest? What do you call a slap on the face? What do you intend to achieve when you kick a woman in the belly or stomp on a man’s “wuhu”? Do you consider that discipline? No! Those are outward expressions of inward rage.

Dilemma of a housewife

As a young leader from a moderately traditional spiritual background, I didn’t know how to counsel victims of abuse. Not that I didn’t know how to encourage the family to embrace dialogue or seek counsel; I did all that. I prayed for/with them, did what I could to keep the family together but somehow I still couldn’t give a clear cut counsel. I couldn’t see a reason why any couple should separate until a friend of mine almost got killed. Her story is so heart rending that as I write I feel shivers all over me. I wonder why anyone would be that mean to someone he claims to love or loved at some point in his life.

They met in the university and were both involved in their school fellowship. I guess their interactions in the things of God got them closer and he proposed marriage to her. During their courtship she saw a few signs that gave her clues of his character issues and violent temper, but she probably didn’t think it was that serious. A few years later, she got married to the love of her life and that was how her life took a “Wrong Turn at Tahoe”  

The man she married turned out to be what I’ll describe as an aggressive and heartless bully who cheats on her with anything in skirt. Maybe it would have been nicer to say he cheats with anyone that comes his way, but I realize that his cheating instincts and choices are so poor that when you see who, indeed what he cheats with, in comparison with his wife, you can’t but wonder how contemptible he must be. To add to his cheating antics he violates the woman with abandon. Several times he beats her up and while she is busy nursing her wounds he goes further to rape her. I never believed that a married woman could be raped by her husband, but can someone tell me, how can you explain this? If a woman is beaten, battered and bruised and yet the same person goes on to have sex with her, what would you call that?

This is not just a story from a movie or some tale told by a wounded woman, they are true and certifiable encounters. Relatives, church members and their family doctor can substantiate that the woman was terribly abused. In one case he beat her till she had a miscarriage. And he didn’t bother to take her to the hospital. On another occasion he kept hitting the woman until a relative in the house intervened and knocked him out to save the day. Observers were wondering why a man who could not provide for his family (for whatever reason) is this iniquitous. The troubling part of this saga is that this cheating bully of a husband was also a pastor. His immoral behavior got him expelled from the church and as the manner of many proud men is, he egoistically started his own business (he calls it a church). Even at that, his wicked and atrocious behavior towards his wife did not change. It went from bad to worse. He kept abusing and cheating on her. The abuse was all inclusive, spanning across verbal, emotional and physical boundaries and even included frequent threats to kill her.

Is it worth it?

This woman remained in that marriage for many years and each time she asked for help people told her “trust God”.  She prayed, fasted and spoke to his friends to help him with his temper, but nothing changed. The police couldn’t do anything, they were probably his friends. The church could not help, they could only pray. Pastors disassociated themselves from the matter and only encouraged her to keep holding on. And she lived with that for many years until she couldn’t take it anymore. I’m not too sure we need to know how it ended.

So what makes people stay in a relationship that threatens to take their life?

1)   Love: Some say their love is so strong that no affliction can separate them

2)   Fear of  a) being alone b) being hurt by the abuser c) fear of  people’s opinion d) fear of rejection

3)   Religious belief

4)   Cultural belief

I am not very sure why people choose to stay in abusive relationships. The above list is not exhaustive and not necessarily connected to cases mentioned here. They are some of the reasons why some people remain in a bad relationship/marriage.  I do not want to delve into matters of faith and personal conviction; let everyone hold on to what they believe. But if you are involved in an abusive relationship you should ask yourself these questions:  I) is the relationship worth fighting for? II) Is your life in danger? 

After many years of standing between the lines and not taking any clear cut stand, I have seen people maimed and even some killed.  Now I have taken a stand and here is my suggestion:

1)   If you are experiencing abuse, seek counsel immediately

2)   If you have gone for series of counseling and the abuse continues, move to a safe place as dialogue and negotiations continue

3)    If all attempts to keep you safe from violence fail, stay away from your tormentor, you may not live to tell your story.

4)   If you need help before or after you leave an abusive relationship, there are several organizations out there to assist you through the process. If you are not sure of what organization to contact, send an email to ysaintlag@yahoo.com or Jaspergogo@gmail.com with your name and location and we will arrange help for you.

Do you remember the story of the abused woman in the first paragraph of this article? You are not going to believe what happened the next morning.

Paradox of rotten eggs

Recent events have prompted me to talk about abuse. Our sons and daughters are hurting, many are emotionally dead and several have died as a result of abuse. I am going to be straight forward and direct here and I hope I make my point simple and clear so that those who are responsible for such wickedness will desist and repent while those who are victims will find healing and restoration.

Trusted traitors

Children look up to their parents and grown people to love, care, provide and protect them. But sadly many have allowed themselves to be used to hurt children. Is it insanity or what makes a grown man “play” with/on little girls? What makes a little girl desirable to an adult man? How can a sane woman practice her erotic delusion with a little boy? Isn’t that a psychiatric case? Why would a man want to have sex with his wife or girl friend’s daughter? Have we become so out of control that our dignity and pride is of no importance anymore!?

Everyday I read stories of rape, abuse and child molestation my heart hurts. It is just not right. If she is not old enough to live on her own, then she is not old enough for sex. Let’s assume she is old enough for sex, if she is not ready for it then she should not be made to experience it. Even if she is ready to, if she is not yours should you be looking in her direction at all!? When you touch, erotically, someone who looks up to you, it is more than moral failure. It is wickedness, for lack of better word.

Child on trial

It pains me to know that several children are abused daily but hurts me more to see that those who ought to help those kids are the ones who bully them. An irresponsible man tampers with a little girl’s genital, she grows up and has strange sexual feelings and “jumps” on boys in school and everywhere; does that not mean the girl needs help? Instead of helping her people ostracize her and call her “spoilt child”. What did she do wrong? Was it her fault that she was abused? Is it not the responsibility of responsible women and leaders around to scoop her up and lovingly help her? What are mothers turning into these days? Mothers used to know how to help children in pain and in need but these days people only care about their own children. Isn’t that self-centeredness? If Jesus was to meet that child would He consider her spoilt and not offer to help her? If that little abused child was your baby, what would you do? Do not ask what you should do, do what is right. Do what you would do if she was your child.

 Unethical realities

When people go to church they expect to get love, leadership and a closer relationship with God. The church is a place where people go to worship God, fellowship with believers and acquire spiritual knowledge. It is a place where broken people go for healing and restoration; a place of refuge in a world where anarchy is the order of the day. It is understandable if people go there also to socialize, it is expected, since we are people of the light and we are to mingle only with people of like faith. But what I do not understand is how some pastors have abused their office and some church folks have taken the house and the name of the Lord for granted.

First: Some church leaders have no business being in leadership because they either are not trained for that purpose or they do not know anything about the ethos of the honorable profession. If you are trained and learned, you know that it is unethical to abuse your followers or anyone for that matter. I have heard how some church leaders “rape” members of their congregation; this is ungodly, unacceptable and out of order. It is the highest form of abuse of office. And to think that some see it as nothing serious is ridiculous.

The Untouchables

What happened to the old scrupulous process of inducting a pastor to the holy order? What happened to the commitment to abstain from things that affect a leader’s focus and sense of judgment? What happened to the restrictions? In my opinion, since church leaders started permitting wantonness and drunkenness things have never been the same. The “God understands” message has, rather than help the cause, dragged us to the mud. In those days there were boundaries we would never cross and everyone who had the audacity to accept the huge responsibility of leading God’s people was put through rigorous trainings and certain obligations which included recitations of things we must not do. For instance, “We will not touch the girls!” “We will not touch the Gold!” “We will not touch the Glory!” We were not to crave wine, women and wealth; these were considered too sacred a vow to break. What ever happened to the “creed”!? Today, things seem to have changed and anything goes. Rather than raise the standard, we have stooped lower than the expectation. What a shame!

Some say it is not that serious an issue but it seems to me that the permission to take wine “…for your stomach sake” has warped some ministers’ minds and given them a lascivious desire for wealth and women. Many ministers have thrown caution to air and feel no guilt when they express sexual feelings towards women under their leadership. Sex with members, which was a “no, no” has become prevalent. Such libidinous orgies were never condoned in the days when there were strict regulations and tougher requirements to become a church leader. We need sanity restored to the system. Can we return to the altar, ask for forgiveness and begin a process of healing for those we have misled and abused?  

Playing the blame game

There is no doubt that this whole thing suggests leadership failure, however I do not accept the excuse that some ladies give. How can someone say she gave her body to a pastor because she saw him as a man of God and did not want to offend “God”? How can you say you were not able to walk away from an illicit relationship for fear of hurting the pastor or fear that he would tell the world how you seduced him? Are you kidding me!? Is this ignorance, foolishness or an attempt to place blame on someone else? Or is it that an adult woman does not know her body is “private” and she has a right to say no? I understand that trust can make you go into a room alone with your leader, but common sense should tell you that if he asks for sex you have a right to walk away. You cannot allow him free access to your body, it is your body and you should say no to any man who wants to manipulate you into doing what you do not want to do. I don’t care who he is, what position he occupies or his influence in the church or society; if he did not find you worthy to make you his wife, then he is not qualified to lay with you. I didn’t think any grown woman would need to be told she owns her body!

Some say they believed the pastor to the point that they fell for his antics. But what does the bible say about what the pastor is saying? Or maybe you do not even know that the bible is the final authority and authenticator of any word, message, prophecy, “sayings” or teaching. No it is not the pastor! But the problem is that many church folks do not know what the bible says so they accept anything they hear from the pastor. People have several apps on their phones, tabs and Ipads and almost all apps are used daily but the bible app. People go to facebook, twitter, and other social networks but rarely read their bibles. How will they know the truth when they do not study the bible? I agree that some church leaders have gone crazy and out of control with their lustful living, but if a lady knows who she is, what she wants and what the word says, she will not allow herself be used or abused.

While I agree that the leader who gets sexually involved with his members is abusive, I do not know if I can say that women who foolishly and willingly give themselves to him were abused. If on your own volition you give yourself to any man, you probably abused yourself. I don’t understand how a woman who freely had sex with a man over and over again would turn around after a long time and cry “foul”. Why didn’t you cry out after the first time, first week or first month? Were you enjoying the experience or were you under a spell? Yes you may have been raped, but do rape victims wait for several sessions of the so called “rape” before they seek help?  How about “date the boss” ideology!? Is it not possible that some who claim to be abused actually seduced the boss for some reason? Could it be that when things fell apart someone tried to play another game to claim innocence and attract sympathy? Too many questions!

On the flip side, I know how some men can be very manipulative. That is one problem I have with many good looking and charismatic men; they use their charm and eloquence to beguile weak minded women. They passionately tell sorry tales about how needy they are, all in a bid to attract pity and get some asinine woman to offer her body. Unfortunately such men do not understand divine purpose for their endowment and as Myles Munroe puts it in his book Understanding the power of woman “When purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable”. A minister who does not understand why he is gifted and why he occupies the position he is in, will abuse himself and those whom he leads. It is a shame how some church leaders have besmirched the name of the Lord and the noble office they occupy.

If you are a pastor and you find yourself sleeping with women in your congregation you have a problem; a very serious problem for that matter. A mistake happens once and with one person, but it is not a mistake if you fall over and over again and with more than one person. Don’t claim you were seduced; accept responsibility for your conduct. When you signed up for the job you should have known that you will attract all sorts. If you were trained you should know and expect people to crush on you; but you should also have been taught how to manage it and turn their unreasonable desire into positive use. You are a disgrace to God, yourself and the body. You have failed woefully.

Restoration

When all is said and done, I do believe that there are many girls and women out there who have been abused by leaders and people they trusted. To such, on behalf of all leaders, I apologize for how we have mishandled you. You do not deserve to be treated the way you were treated. It was nothing you did wrong; it was wickedness of the heart and selfish desire that led to the abuse. Find it in your heart to please forgive, for in forgiveness of your offenders can you find total restoration.

All we like sheep have gone astray; no one can say he has not fallen into one error or the other. No not one. Not even me. If you have abused God’s people, then you committed a grievous offence. Do not attempt to defend yourself; accept that you have done wrong and seek to make amends. Denial of your weakness is a sign of impenitence. Humble yourself before you are humiliated. You have done damage to the name of Christ, but you can turn around and go back to God for cleansing. You might have to step down from your office and go seek His face. Peradventure, He will forgive and restore you.

A Pig driving a convertible!?

On my way to Paris in 2004 I sat beside a young man whom I considered too lively and too noisy for my liking. He sang and wiggled to the tune of his song right there on his seat and acted like he didn’t observe that I was there. Forty-five minutes into the flight he was still singing and “chair dancing” and I couldn’t take it anymore so I  glanced at him a couple of times expecting him to read my mood and calm himself down. At the second look his eyes caught mine and he looked straight into my eyes with a huge, wide, and exuberant smile and asked “are you OK Sir?” I thought to myself “I was thinking something was wrong with him and here he is asking if something was wrong with me”. I didn’t understand him at all. After a few minutes I decided to ask him the same question “are you OK Sir?” He shook his head and said “I don’t think I’m OK but I will be soon”. It was like he had been waiting for me to talk to him so when I did he told me his tale.

This young man told me the tale of his poor beginning. The microcosm of it all is that he never went to school due to poverty. His father had thirteen (13) children and feeding all of them was a huge challenge. Only the first three children could get as far as high school because their dad could not afford the cost of training all of them.

Here is the twist: At the age of 15 he was learning a trade under his uncle and because he had a creative mind, he always wanted to try different methods of doing things. One day he tried a new “move’ as he called it, but failed and in anger his uncle told him he would never succeed in life. He further told him that all other boys in the team were better than him and would fly abroad to pursue their trade, but that he would live all his life in their small village and die a poor man. Too much punishment for a minor misdemeanor isn’t it?

Rather than give up, he patiently persisted and pursued his dream and never gave up.  Few years later he performed one of his “moves’ and emailed it to some people in Europe and after all the protocols they concluded that the young man was a genius and must fly down to attend a meeting of top engineers to explain his hypothesis. When he got to this point his eyes glowed as he said “I was poor, rejected and nobody believed in me but today my story has changed”. You can imagine what happened afterwards. To cap it all, the other boys who were placed above him, were at this time, still struggling to survive; but he was on an all expense paid journey that could change his story. When I heard the story, I started “chair dancing” with him. Amazing end to a humble beginning!

The rich also cried

When you look around the world you will see that there are several famous people/ #celebrities who also come from very humble beginnings but today things are different. #Oprah Winfrey, Jay Z, Tom Cruise, Oluchi, Lucy Liu, Jim Carey, Celine Dion, J.K Rowlings, #JenniferLopez,  Jewel, Demi Moore and many more. They overcame poverty, rape, abuse, childhood illnesses and lots of challenges to be who they are. Some dropped out of school, were treated harshly, lived in unbelievable places, struggled with drugs and a whole lot; but somehow they made it through to the top.

You too can rise

I do not know what point you are at in your life right now but I chose to take this moment to encourage you; do not give up, you still can make it to the top. Are you struggling with poverty? No money to feed, no roof over your head, and it seems like you can never achieve your dream? Hold tight, keep trying your “moves”, someday something will click and you will shine. Did someone you trusted so much dump you and told you how you will never make it? Don’t believe their lie, there is something inside you that the world is waiting for and soon, very soon, you will be discovered. Did you just loose your job and it looks like all hope is gone? Did you drop out from school due to lack of finances? Did you abandon your project due to inadequate resources? Be strong, this is just a phase. There is something bigger and better brewing for you. Pick yourself up and go again, in no time you will find yourself shining.

Where there is faith…

There is nothing impossible to those who believe. Believe that God is with you and heavenly forces are backing you up as you take every step. Believe in yourself, there is something inside you that the world needs. Believe in your vision, nobody may believe in you and your dreams so you owe it to yourself. Your faith in your vision will push you to keep taking positive action and persevere through pain until your breakthrough comes. Where there is faith (with action) there is result.

Rich Piggy

The first time I saw the piggy pulled over by an officer for broken tail light, a couple of things came to my mind. 1) Some people look down on you so bad that they do not believe you can ever make it to the top. But everything is possible; that you are unable to afford it today doesn’t mean you cannot tomorrow. 2) The rich piggy probably has a very poor self esteem. When the officer asked “do you know why I pulled you over today?” 

He replied “Beeeeecause I’m a pig driving a convertible”. But the officer didn’t even think so. He was pulled over because of a broken tail light. Sometimes many people look down on themselves and blame it on others. You need to see yourself better than you do now. If you are from a lowly manger but now own a “convertible”, upgrade your mindset to reflect your new status. Your change will come, when it comes, change the way you think. (This piggy thing is one of my favorite commercials).  

Winners’ mentality

Every one of us has some things we want to achieve in life. From phenomenal to mundane, it is in us to want to accomplish tasks and feel important among our friends and family. Although for some reason, many have been paralyzed and do not have the faith, will and energy needed to complete their tasks, I do believe that anything can change and you can start again and realize your full potential in life.    

Sports and real life: a comparison

If I say I am a sports fan it probably is not news because these days there is hardly any man who has no interest in one sport or the other. Almost every man has one sport he is interested in and which he either participates in, supports or does both. If you know a man who is not passionate about at least one sport, you need to watch him closely, something might be wrong. As a matter of fact, ladies these days have also taken to sports even to the point that some ladies participate in Soccer, boxing, wrestling and I hear they also participate in body building and weight lifting. Isn’t that something!?

One sport that interests me very much, apart from Football (Soccer), is athletics (track and field). During my high school days I was one of the fastest sprinters in the school and I could have gone far doing that but for the fact that Football got the better of me. But during my days in track and fields, I learnt a lot from my Games Master (as we called our coach in those days) and I believe those instructions helped in forming my perspective and approach to life.

Here are some lessons I learned from my coach and my involvement in track and fields that I believe can help every one of us in our life race:

Stay fit

You cannot win in any race if you are not fit and you cannot be fit if you do not train towards it. Fitness does not happen overnight, it is a process and it takes consistence and discipline. Imagine what it will look like if there are 6 sprinters and the winner of the race is someone who is over weight and when we ask “how come?”  He responds “I had consulted my witch doctor and he gave me a special juju portion that made me fast”. Won’t that be something!? Do you think an unfit person can win a race with fit people? I know all things are possible but this has not happened yet and I do not believe it will happen soon. The challenge therefore is for everyone in this race to keep fit.

Some uninformed fellows may say “but the race is not given to the swift”. Nice quote! But that doesn’t in anyway suggest that the race is given to the unfit. Does it? It simple means that if God does not help you, your speed will not. The quote is not in the contest of fitness and only a lazy person will use that as an excuse. How about “the horse is prepared (trained, equipped, kept fit) against the day of battle, but safety is of the Lord”? It is better to be fit, prepared and then ask the Lord to help you where you cannot help yourself.

Fitness requires you to be disciplined and consistent. If you want to win in life, discipline is not negotiable. Such discipline is not for one or a few days, you have to be consistently disciplined. I am not talking of an emotional activity you want to go into when something strange happens; I am talking about a disciplined lifestyle. You have to set rules/standards for yourself and live by them. What are the things you cannot do as you keep fit for your race?  What food weighs you down and what food enhances your performance? What relationship does not help your cause and who are the friends that help you become better? What habit do you need to form and which habit must you break? 

No one achieves and maintains success without consistent discipline. You wouldn’t wake up one day to discover that you suddenly won a race; wake up, you must be dreaming.

Start well

As the adage goes “the morning tells the day”. That is so true. It is very important that you start well. Start on a strong note. Give your beginning the best push you can muster. In a race you do not keep the best for the last; start off with your best and let the next level sort itself out.

Stay Focused

As a sprinter, as well as in life, you have to stay focused on your destination while not loosing sight of your track. There are other people also running to win and everyone has his own track. You run on your track and not on another person’s lane. What it means is that you cannot afford to meddle into other people’s businesses. These days many people are busybodies in “other men’s affairs” instead of focusing on their own goal. I know a young man who does not give a report about his progress or failure without prying into someone else’s matter. When you ask him about his result in school he replies “Jackson failed and I failed too”. You ask him “what is your plan for this year?” He replies “Shane is causing me problems”. Sometimes I wonder why some people are that way. How about you focus on your business and give it your best such that your result motivates other people around you to do likewise!? How about you give yourself to pursuit of your dreams and let your result challenge “Shane” to get up be an achiever too!?

Focus on yourself and on your race. Avoid things along your track that would not help you get your expected result. There are many good people, good clothes/shoes, good food, good places and many good drinks that are not suitable for you. They may be good for someone else, but they may not be good enough for you. All things may be lawful but not all of them are expedient. Many things may be legitimate but not all of them are practicable for you. You, therefore, have to focus only on things that are profitable and can help you reach your goal. Identify what suits you and stick with it. 

Finish strong

Is it just me or does anyone else enjoy watching the new sprinting sensation of our time? As a matter of fact he is the best sprinter of all time. This Jamaican born twenty Seven (27) years old Usain Bolt who weighs 210 pounds (94 kg) is considered the fastest person ever. He has won six (6) Olympic medals in sprinting, holds both 100 meters and 200 meters world records and an eight time world champion. Indeed he deserves to be the highest paid athlete in track and field

You probably know that he did not get to where he is by mistake; we agree that for him to set these world records and win these medals he must consistently train hard. But I mentioned him here because recently he admitted the obvious- that he is not a good starter. Those of us who watch him may have observed that sometimes his “take-off’ is poor, yet there is no doubt that he is a strong finisher. This teaches us that if for some reason we do not start well we can end strong and still win. He admits his weakness, works on it and still comes out victorious.

Lesson: If for any reason you have started poorly, admit it, work on yourself and you can still win. Though your beginning was poor, you can end up great.

This is “that” time

To achieve your dream, start now. Leave your past behind and go after your bright future. You may have failed or achieved negligible success in your past, get over it because what you have ahead of you is so great. Did your parents fail you? Did your lover hurt you? Have your friends disappointed you? Is there something in your past holding you down? Let it go. Let them go. Put the past behind and press towards the mark for the prize.

Don’t push to tomorrow what you can start today. Procrastination can kill you. Start eating healthy now. Start loosing that weight right now. Start writing that book now. Start filling that form immediately. Apply for that job now. Go back to school right away. Begin that business today. Invest that money now. Sow that seed now. Pray right now. Compose that song today. Whatsoever it is, get started right away.

Make that move right now baby!

Do you want to be a Millionaire?

Those of you who are bible students know that God is in the business of raising men/women from “nothing” and making something beautiful out of them. It is not a hard thing for God to bless you. More than anything, He wants you to prosper (cf. 3John 1:2). He Raises the poor and sets them up to dine with Princes (cf.2Samuel 2:6). God created you to be a great and successful person but somehow many of us are living below God’s standard for us. Nobody was created to fail; no not one. Built into every one of us is a tremendously powerful capacity to achieve success in anything we choose to do. You were configured to be an achiever.

However we must note that nothing “just happens”. You cannot sit back and wait for something to happen “suddenly”. Go make it happen. If you want to change from a nonentity and become a person of significance, you have to get up and get into action. What God wants to do is to release grace to prosper the “works of your hands”. Observe carefully that He wants to bless the works of your hands. It could be your handcraft, business or even ministry; what ever your hand finds to do is what God wants to bless. God wants to make all things “work together” to favor you, but you have to be out there endeavoring.

Understanding the “anointing”

Many of us do not understand how the anointing works. Some people think the anointing brings us automatic success. Some say things like “I am anointed and I do not need anything else”. No! You need the anointing plus more. Anointing is the release of power; it gives you the enablement to do much more than you can ordinarily do. The anointing is spiritual empowerment that facilitates creativity. A man/woman who is anointed has divine inspiration and acts with unusual faith that produces exceptional results. The anointing makes you face life, business, work, ministry and everything you do with courage. The anointed person is bold like a Lion; bold to do what he is anointed to do.

Now that you know what the anointing does, here are more tips to help you in the pursuit of your dreams.

4 “Ps” to Successful Pursuit

Pray

The importance of prayer cannot be over emphasized; prayer should be a lifestyle. However there are two aspects to prayer: 1) Talking 2) Listening. As important as it is to talk to God, it is equally important to listen to God. Prayer will not make sense if you do not listen for instructions. If you have been praying about an issue for a long time, you might need to change your approach and start listening for answers. I know you have a lot to tell God, but He also has a lot to tell you. Listen!

Do not take any step until you know what God sent you here for and the best place to find out is in the place of prayer. When you pray, ask God to unveil to you your mission on Earth and when He does, go a step further.  

Plan

After you know what your mission here is, you cannot just live aimlessly; you’ve got to have a plan. You cannot achieve anything without a clear plan. How do you want to achieve your vision? How do you want to live your daily life? Who do you need to achieve this vision? What do you need to arrive at your destination? When do you expect to arrive there? You must ask yourself these questions and write down the answers. You must have a plan for every day, week, year and even decade. As I say, without a written plan, you are heading to failure.

Prepare

Preparation is critical for success. People do not just get Successful, you have to prepare for it otherwise when it comes you might miss it or mess it up. Opportunities are scarce these days so while you wait get yourself ready for the “big day”. It is our responsibility to prepare, but provision comes from the Lord.

Position

Strategic positioning is another key factor for success. After you pray, plan and prepare, you also have to position yourself at the right place. If for instance you are about to go into business, you should identify people and places who do same or similar business. Attend business meetings, seminars, conferences and trainings related to your area of interest. You cannot stay indoors and expect to be discovered; position yourself at a place where you can be discovered. Like my uncle told one of my cousins “if you have goods for sale, you would help yourself to go where your goods are needed”.

As you apply these four Ps, I believe that God will do His part by releasing His grace upon you to make you successful. God has given you a mandate, you can be sure that every step you take is ordered and He will watch over His word to bring it to pass.

See you at the top!